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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP says I'm selfish for having DD's birthday cake gluten free

606 replies

IntergalacticP · 24/10/2023 20:06

Basically thread title.

DD turns one at the start of December. I've arranged for a local baker to make a cake for her. I asked for it to be gluten free as I have celiac disease.

DP said this was selfish. His reasoning being that gluten free cakes aren't as nice as normal cakes. He can't seem to come up with any other reason.

I just wanted to eat some of DDs first birthday cake.

OP posts:
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8
ElliePhillips · 25/10/2023 13:13

Your husband is wrong. And he is mean.

After everything you have probably done in the past year to look after your child, why begrudge you a bit of cake on her first birthday?

goneaway2 · 25/10/2023 13:14

He's an idiot, get him a regular Supermarket cake while you enjoy the lovely, far superior hand baked one. More for you and your little one to enjoy.

Beautiful3 · 25/10/2023 13:16

@MargotBamborough It was my daughter who needed gf. Even she acknowledged that it wasn't great, and that we should do 2 separate cakes next time! It just seemed wasteful, to have it sitting in the kitchen with no takers. Of course a birthday cake should taste delicious, they can be very expensive. We rarely have cakes, so a birthday would mean a delicious cake is expected.

goneaway2 · 25/10/2023 13:18

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 24/10/2023 20:28

Er one year olds don't eat cake you absolute numpty

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Try telling that to my youngest when they turned one. He didn't want to wait for the Happy Birthday song to finish before he could have his cake, he was grabbing for it and crying!

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 13:19

Beautiful3 · 25/10/2023 13:16

@MargotBamborough It was my daughter who needed gf. Even she acknowledged that it wasn't great, and that we should do 2 separate cakes next time! It just seemed wasteful, to have it sitting in the kitchen with no takers. Of course a birthday cake should taste delicious, they can be very expensive. We rarely have cakes, so a birthday would mean a delicious cake is expected.

You should give the chocolate roulade recipe I linked to a go.

I didn't even mean to make a gluten free dessert because there was nobody who couldn't eat gluten, but it was a big hit and really easy to make.

rainbowsparkle28 · 25/10/2023 13:23

(Fellow coeliac here!) YANBU. It is being made by a proper cake maker and am sure will taste fab. And it will make no odds to anyone (apart from DP clearly) and they probably wouldn't even notice the difference unless you tell them it is GF. I would do the same - of course you want a slice of your child's first birthday cake and I am not being funny but if I am spending money paying for someone to make a cake you bet damn right I am having some of it!

JCWiatt · 25/10/2023 13:28

As it's a party for 10 and the cake is being made by a baker, I would have had the main cake not gluten free and asked for some matching themed cupcakes gluten free. Just seems a bit risky paying for a large gluten free cake, as so many of them are not delicious. If the cupcakes are fab, you'd be more confident ordering gf for the main cake in future.

Ottersmith · 25/10/2023 13:30

AhBiscuits · 25/10/2023 11:18

Of course it won't be sugar free, that would taste like arse. 1 year olds can eat a bit of cake on their birthday, it's not crack.

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I have literally never come across people having a proper cake for a first birthday. Why would you expose a baby to refined sugar when they don't know any different? This must be some old fashioned thing because non of the Mums I know do it. Recommendation is they don't have sugar until they are 2 at least.

Mostlyoblivious · 25/10/2023 13:34

Your husband is being a completely disrespectful bell end: about the cake and also about your disease

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 13:40

Ottersmith · 25/10/2023 13:30

I have literally never come across people having a proper cake for a first birthday. Why would you expose a baby to refined sugar when they don't know any different? This must be some old fashioned thing because non of the Mums I know do it. Recommendation is they don't have sugar until they are 2 at least.

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Mother of two under three here.

My son had a real birthday cake with sugar in it for his first and second birthdays. He goes to crèche full time and they have cake whenever a child has a birthday. They ask us to buy a specific cake which doesn't have any allergens in it so all the kids can be included.

One of the first things my 9 month old daughter actually ate was a small piece of cake that her brother put on her high chair tray when I wasn't looking.

I also ate plenty of sugar as a young child.

So far none of us are overweight and none of us have died.

Chill out.

Wetellyourstory · 25/10/2023 14:15

GF flour is rubbish and you can’t just substitute it for a normal recipe.

@TinChristmas I find that Doves Farm flour can be used as a direct substitute - we never buy gf cakes, always make them and successfully made Victoria sponge, lemon drizzle, muffins, ginger cake, cake-in-a-cup to name a few. When we have cake sales at work, the gf ones are first to go as everyone says they taste better than non-gf.

OP your OH is being totally unreasonable. Family gatherings are always gf cakes to cater for the two coeliacs in the family. For those commenting about how “processed” gf cakes are, like most food items, they aren’t if you make it yourself.

eyeslikebutterflies · 25/10/2023 14:54

Desecratedcoconut · 25/10/2023 12:01

Of course you can share plates and cutlery, you just need to make sure they are well washed, and use a clean tea towel, and make sure everybody washes their hands before they dive into the cutlery or plate drawer.

No, you really can't. I'm guessing you don't have experience of living with coeliac disease (it's fine, I had no idea how careful you have to be until I got diagnosed). You can't share a toaster, an oven, a pot of jam, a slab of butter or any item that has come into contact with gluten. A grain of flour is enough to trigger a reaction. I couldn't even use a tea towel if someone has already used it. Sure, I can go get a clean one, but if that clean one then gets put down on a contaminated surface .... it's no longer 'clean' and I can't use it. I can put my hand down on a surface that's had a piece of cake on it, pick up a grain of flour barely visible to the naked eye on my hand, wipe my mouth - and that's enough to make me super unwell.

My point was that if OP is giving her baby and family cake, it's impossible to ensure that all surfaces, plates, cutlery, hands, clothes, tea towels, toys, whatever, remain 100% free of any traces of gluten.

This is sadly the reality of living with coeliac disease. It sucks.

Amumof287 · 25/10/2023 16:12

My child is allergic to egg and milk. As a family we all eat vegan birthday cakes. An adult worrying over the the taste of a slice
of cake is ridiculous. Just buy the gluten free cake and if he doesn’t eat it who cares. He can pick from the multitude of cakes in the supermarket to make himself feel better.

Whyohwhywyoming · 25/10/2023 16:33

Ottersmith · 25/10/2023 13:30

I have literally never come across people having a proper cake for a first birthday. Why would you expose a baby to refined sugar when they don't know any different? This must be some old fashioned thing because non of the Mums I know do it. Recommendation is they don't have sugar until they are 2 at least.

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I have never ever met anyone who didn’t have a proper birthday cake for a first birthday. I don’t believe you. Also OP tell your husband to go fuck himself.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 25/10/2023 16:42

Whyohwhywyoming · 25/10/2023 16:33

I have never ever met anyone who didn’t have a proper birthday cake for a first birthday. I don’t believe you. Also OP tell your husband to go fuck himself.

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Could not agree with you more.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/10/2023 16:44

What a tit. No, he is going to have to be educated on being considerate and self aware, he sounds like a man child.

muggart · 25/10/2023 16:44

He's being a dick. People with food allergies miss out on so much and have to compromise so much of the time, you should be able to have safe foods at your own celebration! he will get his gf cake at literally every other party he goes to in his life.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/10/2023 16:45

Amumof287 · 25/10/2023 16:12

My child is allergic to egg and milk. As a family we all eat vegan birthday cakes. An adult worrying over the the taste of a slice
of cake is ridiculous. Just buy the gluten free cake and if he doesn’t eat it who cares. He can pick from the multitude of cakes in the supermarket to make himself feel better.

Or bake himself a 'normal tasting' one.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 25/10/2023 16:50

Why would you expose a baby to refined sugar when they don't know any different? This must be some old fashioned thing because non of the Mums I know do it.

If by old-fashioned you mean that nobody ever before about 10 years ago would have been quite so ridiculously OTT about a 1 year-old having a little bit of birthday cake, then yes you're right.

YANBU OP. Not all gluten-free cake is rubbish. There are even cakes which are 'accidentally' gf. I've had delicious cakes made with ground almonds instead of wheat flour.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 25/10/2023 16:50

My daughter Bakes GF and l can't tell the difference. They are so so yummy.

muggart · 25/10/2023 16:52

I have literally never come across people having a proper cake for a first birthday. Why would you expose a baby to refined sugar when they don't know any different?

@Ottersmith

Most of my mum-friends wouldn't do this either. But that said, it is possible to make a cake without refined sugar, just by using fruit and maybe a little vanilla. I have seen that done a few times. Can't say whether they're any good though because I don't eat eggs so never had a chance to try them!

I agree it's a little old fashioned to give a 1 year old junk food though.

UsernameNotAvailableIsNotAvailableEither · 25/10/2023 16:56

GF cakes aren’t as nice as normal cakes, but your DD is a year old FFS, unless you’re going to do that mad thing and let her smash her face into it, it’s more for everyone else than her. If she’d been 11 then I would have said something quite different, but she’s a year old for crying out loud. It’s for the adults. a baby wouldn’t know the difference between a gluten-free cake, a cheap Tesco cake and an bespoke cake, designed and baked by the foremost baker on Baker Street.

Khanga27 · 25/10/2023 17:08

I agree supermarket gluten free cakes can be quite dry. However if a baked cake from a Baker with experience making with gluten free flour then there will be very little if any difference if they use xantham gum to help bind. If you'd not mentioned to DP then I really don't think he would have noticed.

I have made GF cakes and not told people until after they have tried, and they really haven't noticed the difference.

Talkingfrog · 25/10/2023 17:36

Ynbu.

You are not being fussy or difficult- you are accommodating a medical need and need and deserve to have some if your daughter's birthday cake.

Depending on how it is made you wouldn't know some cakes are gluten free unless told.

We have had a gluten free vegetarian cake made before and it was lovely. No one we gave a piece too found any fault with it.

We sometimes get two cakes - one gluten free and vegan ( can't remember the make but from sainsburys) and one normal.

The gluten free vegan accommodate the person that isn't celiac but has an intolerance to gluten and the person with an egg allergy. However it is a cake we all like.

M&s used your do a lovely choc cake tray was gf. It had choc sauce running through it. Safly I haven't seen it gor a while.

Fink · 25/10/2023 18:03

I think you're both being a bit U:

  • he shouldn't call you selfish. That's a heavy term for something that really isn't a big deal.
  • if he's bothered about cake specifications, he should have organised it himself.
  • tasting a child's first birthday cake isn't a milestone. There are plenty of actual first things to do with her without getting caught up on things you'll never remember like a first birthday cake. I mean this kindly, I know it's easy to get pulled into the lure of making memories. But first cakes are really not something you will cherish longterm.
  • I appreciate you've gone to the expense of a professionally made cake, but I've had a lot of gf cake (celiac family members) and literally never tasted one that's as nice as the equivalent gluten cake. Ditto dairy free and egg free cakes. I've tasted some ok gf cakes, I've even made some fairly decent gf cakes, but they are never as good as real flour cakes. So it is a bit less nice for the rest of the family.