DP says I'm selfish for having DD's birthday cake gluten free

[IntergalacticP]

Basically thread title.

DD turns one at the start of December. I've arranged for a local baker to make a cake for her. I asked for it to be gluten free as I have celiac disease.

DP said this was selfish. His reasoning being that gluten free cakes aren't as nice as normal cakes. He can't seem to come up with any other reason.

I just wanted to eat some of DDs first birthday cake.

No getting cake is wimmin’s work. How dare she not centre his needs.

She can have a crap GF cupcake in the corner if she feels the need to be properly involved in celebrating her child’s first birthday.

Why will she enjoy a rank cake?

Then he can buy one or make his own. He has hands and feet just like OP. He can moan about it and even go as far as calling OP selfish yet has not gone out and get a cake he prefers or even thought to do that from the read of things.

Buy 2 small cakes and see what your daughter prefers then order a larger accordingly.

Get two small GF ones made but tell DD one is not GF. Get him to try both and see if the GF one is less tasty.

Absolutely.

I'm just saying that his opinion is based on what he wants and nothing else.

A birthday cake is more symbolic than anything, anyway. Most of the time, when we go to a birthday party, the cake is not the most delicious thing we have ever eaten and it is quickly forgotten. It's the symbolism of blowing out the candles and everybody sharing a cake to celebrate the person's birthday that is important.

Of course the OP wants to be able to eat a piece of her daughter's first birthday cake. It's a big milestone for her as well. Her husband can eat gluten free cake and so can all the other guests. The OP can't eat cake with gluten in it and neither can one of the other guests. It will not kill anyone to eat a piece of gluten free cake.

100% of the attendees CAN eat the GF cake. Only 80% of them can eat a gluten-y cake.

There is no genuine reason why non-coeliacs cannot just eat GF cake. It not being their favourite kind of cake is really not a concern. They might equally not be keen on coffee and walnut cake and arrive at a party to find that’s what’s on offer. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is like those threads where some people with omnivorous diets throw their toys out of the pram about how they need to be served meat etc.

I’m an omnivore, but I can eat - and even enjoy - vegetarian or vegan food. I might not necessarily choose it if I’m cooking myself or ordering in a restaurant. But if I go to someone’s house, I won’t die from
the lack of ham sandwich provision.

Similarly, I can eat gluten. I would prefer to eat gluten. But I absolutely can eat GF cake. And I would think nothing of it if a person with coeliac disease served it to me at a party they’re hosting.

But, if the DH feels strongly about his human right to consume gluten in cake, he is capable of buying a second cake and having that instead.

It is mean to deny his wife the opportunity to share her child’s birthday cake on that child’s first birthday. The baby will not give any shits that it’s GF. But sharing the cake with mummy and daddy might mean something. (I know mine were very keen on force feeding me stuff from their plate at that age!).

As someone who ran a cafe for nearly 30 years I can tell you that gluten free cakes can be amazing.
He's being a dick

Her daughter is turning one!

My son ate a thumb sized portion of his first birthday cake and then mashed the rest into his hair. He rejected his second birthday cake altogether and ate crisps instead.

The cake is for the adults.

I wouldn't put everyone else through a gluten free cake just because I can't eat it (and I can't). But I think there's no reason why you should miss out if you don't feel that way.

Not even a nice one from a bakery?

Come to think of it I have made cakes which were accidentally gluten free, such as a chocolate log which contained no flour at all and was more like baked chocolate mousse than anything else. You could quite easily cover that with chocolate and make it into a Colin the Caterpillar and nobody would be any the wiser.

But the OP isn't asking about homemade cakes.

I always bake with Doves Farm GF flour now, as I have some GF relatives and friends. I'm a lifelong baker, and can testify that my cakes now are indistinguishable from those made with ordinary flour. It just means I can offer a slice of cake to all my guests, and not worry about the GF ones. Maybe ask your baker to use that flour? Or arrange a blind tasting for your DH. I would bet he can't tell the difference!

Absolutely.

And getting to share the birthday cake with her daughter is important to the OP. the communal aspect of the birthday cake matters. It’s about sharing.

Why should she be a martyr just because her husband would prefer a cake his wife cannot eat?

Why is it OK to tell a mother that she isn’t allowed to participate properly in the birthday cake ritual at her own child’s party because her husband simply likes eating cake with gluten in it more than GF cake?

It’s different if the child is old enough to care about what the cake is (and, even then, my 3 year old only cares about how it’s decorated not what the cake is composed of - I suspect this will be the case for a while yet). But this is a baby. She’ll just eat the icing or crumble it all up and throw it on the floor or try to force feed it to her parents or any of the other things that are baby behaviour.

She won’t say ‘well, I feel this cake may have been more moist and had better mouth feel if you’d got one with gluten in it mummy’. Because she’s 1.

Or the other thing I'd do is tell him you changed the cake to NOT GF. Hang back yours and the other GF servings till last, ask him his opinion before you serve up your pieces and then confess the baker baked GF after all

I think people who go 'im not having gf' havent tried it...my stepdad is ex butcher .. he said other week that he would never have gf meat substitute as its just 'mushroom' lol...i said well thats unfortunate for you because the bolognese i made other month that you ate was vegetarian gluten free...😂 His face was picture.. he didn't realize...to save face he then said 'i meant id never eat gluten free bakery stuff .theyre dry' i said...thats weird because everytime i bake you something its gluten free 😂 and hes complimented me on them 😂. Its all this 'im man meat' crap isnt it

Gluten free food isn't as nice as normal foods. We've had a gf birthday cake before, to include someone. It wasn't great, not as good as a normal cake. No-one wanted seconds! Next time I would get a normal cake with a gf cupcake.

I think it's sad that the niceness of the cake is considered more important than everyone being included.

Especially when the person being excluded is the baby's mother.

OP has a disease, this isn't a lifestyle choice. Allowances have to be made if a family member has a condition, ffs. You wouldn't book a standing ticket for a show if your partner was in a wheelchair would you? Agree with you 100% OP. DHgets to choose every day what he eats, you do not. F* him and get GF cake. He can eat nicer cake late if he wants.

I wouldn’t bother.

I’d go with: I have organised a party and ordered a nice cake that everyone can eat. I am not willing to be excluded from this because I have a health condition and you’d just prefer a different kind of cake. If you want something different, feel free to buy yourself a cupcake and eat it quietly in the corner.

This.

I’ve made gluten free cake for a friend and it was lovely.

the only thing I’d worry about in your case is trusting the baker not to contaminate because of your health condition. I might sound paranoid but worry is my personality

How is it selfish for you to order a gluten free cake so you can all share, whereas it's not selfish for him to demand one you can eat at all?

Who is actually being selfish here?

Gluten free cakes really can be nice. You shouldn't have told him - I bet he wouldn't have even noticed.

https://www.maryberry.co.uk/recipes/baking/the-ultimate-chocolate-roulade

Accidentally gluten free chocolate log recipe, for anyone who is interested.

Easily converted into a Colin the Caterpillar.

Been Gluten free (and dairy free) for years and GF cake techniques have come a long way in the past 10 years. Xanthan gum is the secret to a lovely fluffy cake to take the place of the gluten in flour. Even my wedding cake was gluten free / dairy free and you honestly couldn't tell the difference! Especially if it's baked by a professional baker it will be just as good as any other.

Your daughter won't care so he is being the selfish one. He can eat gf, you can't eat normal.