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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP says I'm selfish for having DD's birthday cake gluten free

606 replies

IntergalacticP · 24/10/2023 20:06

Basically thread title.

DD turns one at the start of December. I've arranged for a local baker to make a cake for her. I asked for it to be gluten free as I have celiac disease.

DP said this was selfish. His reasoning being that gluten free cakes aren't as nice as normal cakes. He can't seem to come up with any other reason.

I just wanted to eat some of DDs first birthday cake.

OP posts:
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8
Ramalangadingdong · 25/10/2023 11:39

You could just agree with him, order the GF cake and see if he notices.

Desecratedcoconut · 25/10/2023 11:40

Ramalangadingdong · 25/10/2023 11:39

You could just agree with him, order the GF cake and see if he notices.

If course he'll notice if the op is eating it

Ramalangadingdong · 25/10/2023 11:40

Seriously, friends of mine used to order a main cake then order special and beautiful cupcakes for all the various allergies/intolerances.

dudsville · 25/10/2023 11:43

In my home, providing something everyone can eat is not at all selfish. I think it's greedy to assume catering for each individual, and things like intolerances come before preferences for me. He CAN eat gluten free. You CANNOT. Easy decision.

FWIW, ethical choices also come before preferences for me. I'm not vegan, but if I'm hosting a vegan then that's the food I offer.

bridgetreilly · 25/10/2023 11:43

What you want is a normal recipe that doesn’t use flour, not one which substitutes gf flour. My favourite is a Prue Leith chocolate and chestnut cake. Rich, light, moist, utterly delicious. I made it for years before I knew any coeliacs because it’s not a ‘special foods’ recipe.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 25/10/2023 11:46

First birthday baby isn't going to have a clue. They won't eat much cake, won't know the difference. You are the one arranging and organising, you're buying stuff you can eat.

I'd tell him if he wants a gluten cake he can put in the effort of arranging it himself. I wonder how recently those who say GF cakes are gross have tried them. A few years ago they were gross, but now lots of stuff is GF and really nice, same with meat alternatives. There's been a massive explosion in the quality of alternative products.

Bimblesalong · 25/10/2023 11:47

I have SO MANY thoughts about the replies on this thread ...

DH is GF as he has coeliac. No way would I expect him to eat gluten as this makes him ill. No one in our family has ever been ill after eating gluten free cakes either made by ourselves or bought, so something else has happened to the poster who was unwell after eating gluten free. As for the same poster saying that people who are gluten free need gluten - are you on glue ( or gluten?), as this makes them seriously ill longer term and very unpleasantly unwell shorter term.

OP, I hope you have a lovely first birthday party for your child. Personally, I do a gluten free cake, and my baking is delicious, thank you very much! The alternative is to provide a "leaded" (with gluten) birthday cake and some GF cupcakes or a smaller GF cake - easier just to go with one that everyone can eat.

DP is going to have to get his head around this, as he needs to be teaching his child that all are included in a family, that's how it works!

Lostmyway123 · 25/10/2023 11:48

My DD is one on Friday (3rd DC). For us, 1st birthdays are more of a celebration for the parents for managing the first (arguably hardest) year. My DCs have not really had any clue what was going on. So in my view it would be really unfair to have a cake that the mother cannot eat as this is as much (if not more) your day than anyone else's. Get the GF cake and if DH really doesn't want to eat it then get him a smaller regular cake.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 25/10/2023 11:49

We had separate gluten free cakes when we got married. They were put to one side so the two ceoliacs definitely had them and everyone else had the other cakes. I didn't want to risk paying for cakes that weren't as nice and that would be wasted.

toomuchfaff · 25/10/2023 11:49

your DH is a dick... my wedding cake was GF and lactose free because multiple guests had issues. Husband didn't have any allergies, neither did the 90% of other guests, did anyone notice? No... bakers know how to bake cakes.

nettie434 · 25/10/2023 11:52

The answer is to do a cake smash. Order two cakes, one GF and one ordinary.

if you are really kind, you will cut off 2 slices of the GF cake for you and the other GF person and let your daughter smash the remainder of the GF cake.

I'd be tempted to let the baby smash the ordinary cake and then say if he wants cake, it has to be GF. Everyone else will be so busy admiring the cute baby playing with cake, he will look like a killjoy if he starts moaning about wanting cake.

Workawayxx · 25/10/2023 11:52

YANBU. Especially since you are the one arranging it! If he really insists then why not get the main cake gluten free and a few "normal" cupcakes for him or any other GF whingers.

Kittensat36 · 25/10/2023 11:52

I bake for work events an sometimes make something gluten free to accommodate colleagues who can't have flour. Fitwaffle's pineapple cake is marvellous, although you would need double the recipe for a sandwich cake as you don't get a tremendous rise. Cakes made with almond meal are gorjuss

And your DH is BU - you deserve a bit of cake

But how about a cheesecake? If you use a packet mix* and gluten free bikky base, who's to know? Easy to whip up (even if you make from scratch) and decorate how you like.

*I can't swear packet mixes are GF,so take that with a pinch of salt.

Bellaboo01 · 25/10/2023 11:53

I personally wouldn't get a gluten free cake for everyone if it was only me who was gluten free.

I have a similar situation like this a lot but, i don't expect everyone to follow my diet restrictions.

KookyAndSpooky · 25/10/2023 11:56

For a first birthday, I think it's fine to have a GF cake. It's more of a celebration for the parents than the baby anyway. Going forward, I would say that future cakes shouldn't be GF.

eyeslikebutterflies · 25/10/2023 11:56

OP, your DH is also missing the issue around cross-contamination. It takes only a crumb to make a coeliac unwell. You can't share plates, cutlery, even a toaster. It's an autoimmune disease, not an intolerance: your immune system goes all-out no matter what quantity of gluten you (inadvertently) ingest.

So if you have cake crumbs all over the place, and are clearing up or feeding it to your little one, chances are you'll end up being exposed.

My lovely DH suggested we decontaminate our house when both me and DS were diagnosed. As a result, we don't have any gluten in our house at all, and as a result we don't get ill (very often). And as result, I love him even more. Your DH is a selfish dick.

Lights22 · 25/10/2023 12:00

You're fine, he's being weird. My DD's friend is dairy free so my DD's cake was dairy free so they could all share the same cake. Appreciate that's different to GF but it's about inclusivity. And especially for a 1 year old.
When I run Brownies and do food, everyone has the same. So pancakes with no eggs one year, GF pancakes another. It goes on. It's not hard. It's not terrible. You're not selfish x

Iamnotalemming · 25/10/2023 12:01

I am GF and often bake GF things and offer them to DH without explaining ingredients. He can never tell the difference and says they are delicious.
I agree if you buy packet GF products they can be less nice but freshly made by a pro baker should be delish.

I'd be tempted to buy a GF one, don't tell him it's GF, and see if he can tell the difference.

Desecratedcoconut · 25/10/2023 12:01

Of course you can share plates and cutlery, you just need to make sure they are well washed, and use a clean tea towel, and make sure everybody washes their hands before they dive into the cutlery or plate drawer.

terraced · 25/10/2023 12:02

I'd get 2 cakes.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 25/10/2023 12:04

One of my 3 kids is coeliac. Every birthday cake is GF regardless of who's birthday it is. Your child is 1 and won't give a shit. DH is being an arse.

Sorry, didn't read other comments so may just be saying same as others.

HoppingPavlova · 25/10/2023 12:11

If there are 10 people then I would get 2 cakes, unless you already have a go-to gf cake that is as good as regular cake. We always get a gf cake at work for those who need it but the reality is it costs nearly double to get a decent gf cake than a decent normal cake, so we get a smaller gf and larger normal. People don’t crack it if there are two cakes or insist everyone eat the same, so just get 2 with one being gf and you and the other person eat that?

Taketheplunge · 25/10/2023 12:12

I wouldn't have bothered to tell him. I'm thinking why is this an issue.

tabulaisrasa · 25/10/2023 12:13

Tell your DH if he feels that strongly about enjoying cake, he can organise a non GF cake. Bet he won't, though.

Ariela · 25/10/2023 12:18

IntergalacticP · 24/10/2023 20:20

About ten people total- one other celiac besides me.

SO you're catering such that 1/5 or 20% can eat the cake. Perfectly fair, but for him I'd just get a 2nd party cake cheapest of the cheap supermarket bought will be fine, but buy a cake box for it. Decant shop bought cake into box so it looks like a bakery one, and dispose of evidence.
Bet he eats the baker's GF cake in preference. I know which I'd prefer (can't stand cheap supermarket birthday cake)