DP says I'm selfish for having DD's birthday cake gluten free

[IntergalacticP]

Basically thread title.

DD turns one at the start of December. I've arranged for a local baker to make a cake for her. I asked for it to be gluten free as I have celiac disease.

DP said this was selfish. His reasoning being that gluten free cakes aren't as nice as normal cakes. He can't seem to come up with any other reason.

I just wanted to eat some of DDs first birthday cake.

I cannot have gluten, soya or dairy, paid for a specialist free from free cake for my son's first birthday party and didn't feel at all guilty as he was ONE and so he and his friends weren't really in a position to comment on the cake's texture.
I did the same again for his 5th birthday because it was his first party after lock down and I wanted to be able to eat cake. Again everyone present was happy to see cake, or I should say delighted!
Honestly, I would be offended if partner hadn't supported my specialist cake purchases what with all the work that goes into organising kids parties. If yours really can't bear to support your essential dietary needs then I'd suggest he supplies his own cake, and also does all his own cooking, cleaning and laundry in the future.

Coeliac here. Processed supermarket GF stuff is shit, but so is cross contamination or the baby wanting to feed mum some cake FFS. But professional or home made Gf cakes with almond or polenta or sorghum are actually really lovely.

You’re a fucking awful human being. Proper food my arse.

They why’s re so many grown adults boo hooing about eating a GF cake at a party THEY haven’t organised. If it’s not that big a deal then they can go without this time.

She’s 1. And you did all the thinking and organising to ensure there was a cake.

If he wants a gluteny cake… nothing is stopping him organising that himself. Is there?

My DD can’t eat gluten and always has gluten free birthday cakes. I really can’t taste the difference - if anything, they are nicer than the gluten equivalent! Your DH is being unreasonable.

Because a celebratory cake is one for people to share to mark an occasion - it's a shared experience. A cake for a child is one that you'll put candles in, help them cut it, help them blow out candles, parcel it out and then, usually, eat with them.

All of that is a lot riskier when the cake contains an ingredient that a crumb, accidentally ingested, is dangerous. And after all that, to be sat with your sad cupcake, well, I think that's miserable.

Do you have any idea what it is like to have Coeliac disease? The isolation at every single event where food is involved, even in the staff room at break time.
The OP has to eat GF for the rest of her life, why can’t her partner eat GF at family gatherings, why can’t everyone there eat GF? It’s one party - the OP has to eat GF for the rest of her life. OP would no doubt also prefer the taste of a muggle cake but she can never eat one again. Ever.
It will do people no harm to experience GF food. It might help them understand the sort of thing OP has to eat for the rest of her life. Who cares if it’s not as tasty (which i actually disagree with anyway).
Think about how the OP (or any Coeliac) feels at any family or work or social event. Is the restaurant safe, will you get glutened and be really ill? Do you play safe and just have a drink and sit there and watch others eat. It’s so isolating.
Think about how stressful it is to go away from your house, to go on holiday and not know if you will actually be able to find anything to eat. Self catering there is always a risk from chopping boards or wooden utensils or the odd stray crumb.
I have a teenager with Coeliac disease and she is often in tears as her friends are going out for a meal/take away/fish and chips etc What should she do? She desperately wants to be the same as them but she usually has to either just have a drink and be hungry or take a packed lunch/tea and watch from the sidelines. So many restaurants/cafes say they can’t cater for Coeliacs because of the cross contamination risk.
If my daughter is glutened she is ill for 4 days with a whole body autoimmune response- severe headache, abdominal pain so bad she can’t think of anything else, feeling weak as though she has proper flu, vomiting and diarrhoea. A few days later she has the post gluten depression where her mood drops and that lasts for weeks.

I completely agree with that - the child and the mother should have the same cake.
What I'm on the fence about is whether everyone else should as well.
I don't think anybody else cares about the 'shared experience' of the cake. They just want to sing happy birthday and eat 'some' cake whether that's the one with candles in it or not.

But my opinion here really hinges on how good this cake is going to be... I mean, just because you can eat something does not mean you're necessarily going to like it either. There are some things I can't eat anymore as well and I'd rather not have them than the 'allergen free' version....

What he should have done actually is probably done some research on GF cake, organised some tastings etc to find some nice ones if they're in a position to do that. Even if he doens't agree with this one.

Beret’s Non GF Cake ingredients

McDougall’s Supreme Sponge Flour (Ingredients
: Wheat Flour (with added Calcium, Iron, Niacin, Thiamin),
• Raising Agents (Monocalcium Phosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate)
Butter
Eggs
Sugar

Beret’s GF Cake Ingredients

Freeeee SR Flour Ingredients

• Four Blend (Rice, Potato, Tapioca, Maize, Buckwheat),
• Raising Agents (Mono-Calcium Phosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate),
• Thickener (Xanthan Gum)

Butter Eggs Sugar Extra touch of Xantham Gum

If making Dairy Free then the butter would be subbed too.

I'm not into the concept of most 'food intolerances' (in air quotes) (though I know coeliac is different of course) but I don't find gluten free or even most vegan cakes to be worse at all. So I think he's being a pain for the sake of it, or hasn't registered that GF cakes are ok.

Wrong. It is still hard for the adults to be excluded at every. single. social occasion for the rest of their lives. Adults have feelings too. Show some compassion for those with serious lifelong illnesses.

You are ordering the cake, you order one you can eat!

Lots of allergies in this family, many gf products are rubbish but a properly made gluten free cake is delicious! It’s taken years and plenty of experimentation to get here but don’t usually bother making one with gluten if we are all here as the gf is just as good.

He is a dick, how mean that he would see you not have a piece

Gluten free cakes can be brilliant. Especially chocolate cakes. I'm turning 40 this and having a gluten free cake so my dad can have a slice. If everyone else turns their noses up at it (when I've tried it and it's absolutely bloody amazing), all the more for me! We also had a gluten and dairy free wedding cake so all our guests could enjoy it. Couldn't tell the difference.

It's easy to make a gluten free cake that's just as nice as a normal cake!

I'm loving all the pontificating about processed food. Since when was birthday cake healthy? 🤣 Also if the party is in your home then a non GF cake is an even more serious risk as the crumbs will get everywhere, especially with a one year old. It's giving me the heebie jeebies just thinking of the level of cleaning that would be needed to restore the kitchen/dining room to safety. You are 1000% NBU and thanks to everyone who has mentioned how isolating it can be to have coeliac disease and never be able to have a spontaneous meal out, cake at work, stress free holiday etc. Your loved ones should be making it easier for you.

Yes, I love cake and can't imagine being able to enjoy it if someone else had to go without. It would be incredibly rude to make a cake for a celebration and then exclude people from enjoying the cake. I think there are people here who haven't eaten a gluten-free cake in years and have no idea that skills have improved!

I vote for you to keep it GF. You aren't being selfish at all. You ordered the cake so you went for one you could eat. If you were allergic for nuts would he insist on it being a coffee and walnut cake? If it was his own birthday and he really hates gf cakes then yes by all means get him a normal cake but it won't make any difference to your dd or any other children, they only eat the icing anyway.

This is what I'm having by the way: cutterandsquidge.com/products/free-from-double-choc-salted-caramel

NB I know it says that it may contain traces of gluten but my DF is okay with that these days.

YANBU. And also cakes are one of the easiest items to make a nice GF one, there's loads of ways to do it. (There are some GF items that are really tricky but a cake isn't especially if you order from a good baker with experience in GF items.)

If you had a 4yo, and they really wanted a Colin the Caterpillar, then of course they should get what they want and you get something else. But baby is 1, she doesn't care and all she'll do is smush it in her face.

I always think a first birthday party is just as much for the parents to celebrate getting through the first 12 months as for the child, who has no blooming idea what’s going on. OP, have your cake and eat it. Love, a fellow coeliac

Unlike most gluten free foods, gluten free cakes are nicer than regular cakes. I speak from experience

Ok roughly 50/50 on whether I'm being unreasonable/selfish.

Yes I think my thoughts were that it would be a bit shit to not be able to take part in the eating of the cake.

It's a proper bakery so not the same as buying supermarket GF, although some of this I would say is ok (not mrs crumble though, they can get in the bin).

Day to day our meals are gluten free because I refuse to cook two meals. We do have plenty of gluten products in the house though- I wouldn't subject anyone to gluten free bread if they didn't have to eat it.

And yes if when she is 4 she wants a Colin then that's what she can have. I think I just feel this way because it's her first birthday- so yes she can have a piece obviously but she won't know any difference.

I would be getting two cakes. Free from cakes are usually horrible 🙈 he's being a bit mean though.

Get the GF cake and have a piece WITH her op! That is a special memory you shouldn’t miss.