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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my learner driver on fast dual carriageways

149 replies

Laundryandtoil · 24/10/2023 14:59

DS is nearly 18 and has got a driving test booked next month. He’s had loads of lessons (think I’ve paid for 70 hours of instruction at least!) and his instructor says he is test ready and should pass. I bought him a little car a few weeks ago and I’ve been taking him out in it to practice. DS wants to drive to visit his grandma (my mum) an hour away, accompanied by me obviously as he is still a learner. The route involves fast dual carriageways and then winding country roads. I’ve said my nerves aren’t up to sitting beside him at 70mph on the A3 but AIBU? He thinks I am because he has been on similar roads with his instructor and had no incidents - and he says how can he get experience if I won’t let him.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 24/10/2023 15:00

It's important that he gets the practice. Won't you feel better sitting with him than him driving alone next month?

I understand how scary it is when a child becomes a new driver but being a passenger while they drive is a good way to be reassured about their driving ability.

AdultingIncorrectly · 24/10/2023 15:03

Tbf I totally understand.
I have been in the passenger seat for a couple of drives around town. DH has been passenger on the faster roads and dual carriageway. My nerves can’t take it!

SaltyGod · 24/10/2023 15:04

I think I’d be happier on the A3 than on winding country roads.

Give it a shot and you can always get him to pull over if it’s going badly but if he’s at test level he should be absolutely fine.

He doesn’t have to do 70 and bits are so congested that they are rarely 70mph if it is anything like it used to be when I drove on it

thaisweetchill · 24/10/2023 15:06

There's only one way he's going to learn how to drive them and wouldn't you rather be with him when he's doing so?

Maybe do a test run on an evening when it's not so busy so he can get used to it?

Almondmum · 24/10/2023 15:07

Will he potentially be on those types of roads during his test? If so it is important he practices.

However if you're going to struggle to hide your nerves it's probably best you don't take him as you may be more hindrance than help!

Could you ask his instructor to prioritise those types of roads if you struggle with them?

PuttingDownRoots · 24/10/2023 15:09

Its better to do it with a competent parent than a car full of teenagers.

TheCatterall · 24/10/2023 15:10

A driving instructor often has the luxury of training to deal with possible incidents and dual pedals.

I’m in the same position now. I take my son on wider country roads in quieter times. Will do a bypass on a quiet time etc. and maybe a motorway..

but off peak only. Generally later in evening or very early.

my bum is clenched so hard being a passenger on this days in my one and only pride and joy.

WhatInFreshHell · 24/10/2023 15:11

TheCatterall · 24/10/2023 15:10

A driving instructor often has the luxury of training to deal with possible incidents and dual pedals.

I’m in the same position now. I take my son on wider country roads in quieter times. Will do a bypass on a quiet time etc. and maybe a motorway..

but off peak only. Generally later in evening or very early.

my bum is clenched so hard being a passenger on this days in my one and only pride and joy.

If a learner, they can't use the motorway

SaltyGod · 24/10/2023 15:12

If you’re in the UK I’m afraid that you’re not allowed to take him on the motorway. It’s only allowed with a driving instructor in a dual controlled car.

SaltyGod · 24/10/2023 15:12

SaltyGod · 24/10/2023 15:12

If you’re in the UK I’m afraid that you’re not allowed to take him on the motorway. It’s only allowed with a driving instructor in a dual controlled car.

Apologies, this was to @TheCatterall

HeavenKnowsIamMiserableNow · 24/10/2023 15:14

As long as joining the A3 does not involve joining from the Hogs Back, I would consider it.

The HB junction despite all the efforts of SCC is dreadful, I have always been wary of it, and I have been driving for 34 years without an accident.

If it does involve joining from the HB I would say I will do that, we can pull in at the RSCH junction and then swap.

Floralnomad · 24/10/2023 15:16

It wouldn’t be a problem for me .

VisionsOfSplendour · 24/10/2023 15:17

70 hours of lessons? I don't think my driving age children had that much actual driving in total before taking the test, that must have cost you more than a car

I dont know the road youre talking about but I don't think anyone who isn't confident in supervising a learner should be on the road with them

dcsp · 24/10/2023 15:18

I've never supervised a learner, and I'm not familiar with the road in question.

But if by "fast dual-carriageway" you mean stretches of dual-carriageway which are all-but-identical to motorways, then I'd point out that they are the safest roads. So I'd be more worried about the winding country roads, would allow them to drive on the dual-carriageway and then swap with them for the unfamiliar (I presume unfamiliar, because far from home so won't have driven it with his instructor) country roads.

Userwithallthenumbers · 24/10/2023 15:19

If he is test ready, he should be able to drive the A3. I took my son up and down the A331 and A3 as a learner once he had a basic grasp, let alone just before his test.

LadyDanburysHat · 24/10/2023 15:19

DS1 drove 90 miles to my parents house when learning, I took him to a busy dual carriageway specifically so he had that experience before he was out on his own. He learned during Covid so there was a long time waiting for a test. I don't understand why the big worry.

HamBone · 24/10/2023 15:20

I feel your pain, OP, but he needs as much driving experience as possible. I gritted my teeth and did the same with my DD(18).

Tempnamechng · 24/10/2023 15:20

It'll be a hell no from me. I have a dc learning to drive and I had visions of lots of little rides out to give them experience. In reality, as I found it, it's much better (for my nerves and our relationship) to leave it to the actual professional instructors with the dual controls.

HeavenKnowsIamMiserableNow · 24/10/2023 15:22

@Userwithallthenumbers

The A331 is positively civilised in comparison to the A31 and A3 junction. 😂

Legendairy · 24/10/2023 15:23

My DS went on A roads incl A3 lots when learnnig, he drove everywhere he could outside of his lessons as its the best way of getting the experience in order to pass. If he is test ready then he could take his test tomorrow and be driving on those roads alone.

I do hope that the poster who said their take their learner child on the motorway made a typo ...

Legendairy · 24/10/2023 15:26

Tempnamechng · 24/10/2023 15:20

It'll be a hell no from me. I have a dc learning to drive and I had visions of lots of little rides out to give them experience. In reality, as I found it, it's much better (for my nerves and our relationship) to leave it to the actual professional instructors with the dual controls.

All instructors will say that going out driving outside of lessons is the best chance of passing and also being ready for driving alone. DSs instructor told him when he was ready to go out without the dual controls. I was really nervous at first so DH and my dad took him out then a few weeks later I did. We waited a little while before doing the bigger A roads though.

InTheRainOnATrain · 24/10/2023 15:34

HeavenKnowsIamMiserableNow · 24/10/2023 15:14

As long as joining the A3 does not involve joining from the Hogs Back, I would consider it.

The HB junction despite all the efforts of SCC is dreadful, I have always been wary of it, and I have been driving for 34 years without an accident.

If it does involve joining from the HB I would say I will do that, we can pull in at the RSCH junction and then swap.

I used to drive this as a learner all the time! It was the route to the driving test centre. Still drive it regularly to visit my parents. Never thought of it as a big deal at all, and apparently neither did my mum as pretty sure it was the first ‘big road’ I did.

OP if he’s test ready and done 70 hours, he’ll be fine as I’m sure he’s done plenty of practice in his instructors car.

EBearhug · 24/10/2023 15:35

If you pick the right time, the A3 won't be a fast experience...

Yes, he needs experience, but if you're not feeling confident about supervising him, then it is probably better for him to wait. However, a big wide road like the A3 is probably easier than some of the small lanes just off the A3 - yes, you won't be going fast on those, but what of you had to reverse back to make room for a tractor or lorry?

Bluevelvetsofa · 24/10/2023 15:36

I have memories of going out with mine. My foot was permanently on the non existent brake. The A3 going into Guildford is horrid.

Mariposista · 24/10/2023 15:37

I can see both sides. On the one hand, DS NEEDS the practice. That is non negotiable - it's not fair to expect him to perform in his test if he has not practiced and it is very responsible of him to say that he wants to do so.
On the other hand, if you are in the passenger seat screeching to high heaven, you will just bash his confidence, make him angry and not set him up well for his test. Given that he must practice is there another responsible adult he could practice with? An uncle/aunt/family friend? You are perhaps not the right person to support him in this (not necessarily your fault).