Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

If you think it is the right decision to spoil relationship with your son over "tradition", then sure. Maybe the mother also expected them to get married in a church, seeing that it is traditional.
The bottom line is, it's his wedding and he is the one organising it and can make whatever arrangements work well for him.

YANBU, his own mum should be in the front row.

Not sure about the grandad and the uncle and all that lot tbh.

Don't see why the Best Man's family has to be in the front row, even if they are involved.

I'd be really, really hurt by this. That said, it sounds like he's a bit stressed and touchy about the wedding, I'm assuming he feels a bit overwhelmed as it approaches. Small things can feel like a big deal when it comes to weddings and family events. If my son was being snappy like this I'd be checking if he was ok.

Try to just go and enjoy the day. You are the mother of the groom and nothing will change that. The best approach is to rise up - smile, relax and enjoy the day, be the mum he needs.

You are right to be upset, I would find that extremely hurtful and am not sure I could get past it to be honest.

When we got married my (long divorced) parents both sat in the front row on one side with my bridesmaids, my stepmother sat in the second row immediately behind my Dad (this was communicated to her well before the wedding and she understood completely due to space constraints) and my DH’s parents sat in the front row on the other side. It wouldn’t have occurred to us to do this any other way.

In fairness to your son I can understand not sitting his other relatives on your side in the front row (step dad, grandfather etc) but you, as his mother, absolutely should be there. Since he won’t speak to you about it in any kind of respectful way, is there someone else who could attempt to talk to him in order to communicate just how hurtful this is for you?

I would never normally say this but in this situation I actually would contemplate not attending if I was in your shoes and explaining to your son - in writing if need be - exactly why you were forced to make this decision. What he is proposing is disrespectful and hurtful on a scale that you shouldn’t have to accept.

I can see where you're coming from and can totally understand why you'd want to be on the front row. But it sounds like there's nothing you can do about it, they've made their mind up. I think you need to let it go.

You are being ridiculous and dramatic.

You are letting your own feelings about his dad's girlfriend become an issue. Just go with the flow and be the cool one. Send a message saying you are sorry and it's fine.

My mother in law made a fuss over essentially ex partners jealousy at my wedding. It's not about you.

Do you have divorced parents?

Rose ceremony 🤢

The issue is seeing this as the son “valuing” others over his Mum. What a load of garbage. I’m sure he doesn’t “value” his best man’s partner over his Mum but he wants his best man beside him and his daughter is a flower girl so her Mum is sat with her. Placing value on a seating arrangement that is completely practical is unhealthy and ludicrous. To consider not going to your sons wedding over this has to make anyone question what their relationship is actually like. & what is parents divorce was actually like for him.

And yet I had no problem sitting next to my ex but I would have been terribly upset if I had been in the 2nd row and his girlfriend was in the front.

The slight isn't perceived it is real but it is the son who is slighting her, not his father unless the father is forcing the issue in some way.

Anyone with any class will be looking at that set up thinking, he put his dads new girlfriend ahead of his own mother and his grandads comfort, even though he gets on well enough with the whole family to invite them, so there’s obviously no bad blood. If he disliked anyone; he wouldn’t invite them.

i’d look at that groom and think ooh there’s a bastard.

I suspect it is less about where OP is sat and more that the GF is in the front row

I don't know if etiquette books are up to date on blended families etc but it might be worth checking there.

I think it's totally wrong that your ex's gf is in the front row. Divorced or not, your son's parents should both be in the front row. If I were the gf, I would just quietly move myself back.

My BiL & SiL's wedding was over 40 years ago. Me, exH and then little DD were seated at the far end of the over-spill room at the reception.

I've never forgotten it, as you see.

Wow I always think the feelings of middle aged women are just not worthy of consideration on mumsnet and this thread proves it!

you have to put up, and shut up no matter how badly others treat you - not just that, you have to do it with a smile on your face!

Fuck that!!

I split with my ex over 20 years as he had anger problems and we divorced due to unreasonable behaviour.

And if you don’t go or make a fuss, then you’re the bastard.

Go. Sit where he put you. Smile and be happy for him. If people ask why his set up was non traditional and he sat his step mum where his mother should go, say ask the couple, they made the plan…

Where does it say the girlfriend is “new”? She is a witness so clearly has a long-standing and important relationship with the groom.

YANBU, that’s very hurtful.

Don’t contribute to the wedding.

Don’t get them a present.

Attend the wedding like a guest and go home as soon as you can.

Yes, if he is happy to sacrifice his relationship with his mother on the altar of ‘it’s his wedding’ and he can do whatever he wants! This is nothing to do with respecting tradition and everything to do with completely disrespecting his mother. Disgusting.

This. Unbelievably hurtful thing for him to do. I wouldn't go. And I don't say that lightly.

How to put the boot in 🙄

I would be very hurt by this. I don't know what has gone wrong with your relationship, but my instinct would be to ask him about that rather than worrying about the seating, because the front row of any wedding or funeral is a very clear statement. Try to be clear and simple "I've clearly upset you very much somehow, and I would like to speak to you before the wedding to try to work things out. Let me know when suits you."

She is newer than his mum

I say this with kindness.

This is a massive overreaction and you are focusing your attention on something that isn’t a big deal in the slightest.

To say you’re considering not going to your own son’s wedding because you might be sat a row back is genuinely baffling.

It’s at best a “feel slightly miffed and get over it” situation and you really do need to stop it being a big deal in your head.

come on, it's her SON.

Who will miss out by behaving like a petulant teenager?

Who will be resented for creating drama and will loose out?

You can imagine the opinion of the bride about her MIL.

I never thought “the front row” at a wedding was a thing! I don’t think it’s is a thing.

I can see why you’d be anxious that your Dad has space but otherwise I really think is only now an issue because you’ve made it one.

I think this is partly caused by the enquiries about his granddad's seat. Has he assumed that this is the priority for you and assumed that you want to sit your dad as a result?

Anger won't get you anywhere. Just ask if you can swap with your Ex's GF.

There has got to be more going on here than you are putting in your posts @kittykitten , like why is the exs gf a witness ? There must be some reason why someone who lived with you until they were 28 has decided to suddenly put his dad’s gf above you in his wedding .