Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

YABU

There's definitely and underlying story here if he's chosen to put you in the second row and has chosen the new partner to be a witness.

When I got married, I didn't find the planning etc stressful in the slightest. However, I actually found guests ridiculous demands about food and their opinions on how the day should go, the most stressful. People need to realise that it's not their wedding and it's actually about the bride and groom and if they are going to make a fuss and demands- then not to go!

I can see why you're upset, but his wedding, his choice. Try to focus on the joy of watching your son get married - no need to feel humiliated as no one else will notice or care who's sitting where! Absolutely do not be petty and go early to take a front row seat.
Info that would be interesting:

• how's your relationship with your future DIL?
• seating arrangements for the reception/dinner?
• have you or his dad contributed financially to the wedding?
• how's your relationship with your son other than this? If it's all otherwise good and open, then this shouldn't be an issue and you could ask to have a chat and explain why you're upset. BUT you have to agree to accept his and his bride's decision. If you make a drama over their wedding it will be hard to make up for that.

Also: I’ve been married twice (!) and genuinely no idea where anybody sat during the ceremonies.

I don’t think we allocated seating. Perhaps half our families have been livid ever since due to some perceived slight.

Not sure about this, OP.

You seem to be very hurt about this and I think suggesting you might not go to the wedding is over the top.

But I too would be upset if my son put his stepmother in the front row and me in the second row at his wedding.

I'm not sure there's much you can do about it, however.

Answering my own question here, but I Googled wedding seating for blended families and the mother & partner should be in the 1st row, with the father & partner in the 2nd.

Yes, that is the established etiquette.

Never heard of flower girls mother & siblings in front row. Absurd. 🙄

Why will she miss out? I didn’t say she shouldn’t attend?

Maybe his dad has already got angry with him, and he’s acting as he has thinking you’d understand as his calm and steady parent. It sucks as a role to fill but it might be as he sees it.

Then when you pushed back as well, he just boiled over, not used to getting stress from both sides.

Not fair of him to be angry with you but maybe this is why he’s saying “it’s been so stressful”. Could be a sort of compliment

The thing is, even if there is something the OP isn’t saying; it’s obviously not enough for the son to not invite her.

So instead he just chooses to invite her her but put her behind his step mum.

No one will look great in this scenario unless you go, smile, show all the guests you aren’t a dick, and believe me - from just looking at the seating arrangement; they’ll see he isn’t being kind. If you don’t like someone, don’t invite them; don’t invite them along and make them beg for a seat at the table.

Women being deprioritised due to male aggression is not a compliment.

Absolutely this!

This happened to my mum last year at my brother's wedding. But she was put on the bride's side several rows back. She was fuming but received no apology.

She's still quietly seething but speaking with him hasn't changed anything. She found out on entering the church which made it quite upsetting for her.

No one from our family were on the top table either. We were all shoved down the back in preference of the bride's family and friends.

I don't know the answer but you're probably best just getting on with it and doing as asked otherwise you'll look like the unreasonable one in his eyes.
Is it really worth potentially falling out over?

Glad you clarified you were the victim of DV, OP. That will put the snarky back story comments, to rest.

I don't blame you, I would feel exactly the same though I'd probably swallow my pride and go to avoid a drama.

Absolutely. It will be noticed and it won’t reflect badly on op. The tradition of seating parents together at a wedding serves a purpose. It shows respect and acknowledgment for the people who brought you into the world, no matter whether they are still together. Second wives/girlfriends don’t factor in the same way. Obviously there are exceptions; abusive or absent parents for example.

Why “should”?? There aren’t rules about this stuff! And this is frankly ridiculous.

Sadly not, apparently it’s a ‘compliment’ to OP 🙄

It does matter to OP.

This. His wedding his rules. And the fact that you would consider missing your sons wedding because of where you're sitting makes me think he's spot on tbh. Ridiculous

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

This!! Why are women prepared to accept so little for themselves??

& this is the issue. The son having an important relationship with his step mum is automatically seen as a slight to his mum when it absolutely shouldn’t be.

I imagine he has her as a witness because she is important to him and his Mum already gets to be “Mother of the Groom” & I’m sure she’ll be in the speech and get given flowers etc.

A son having other women in his life who are important to him is not a slight on his mother.

Exactly. God forbid a mature woman should have any expectations.

OP, i hope you aren't contributing financially to the wedding.

I my mind the front row is for the wedding party and parents usually sit in the second row. I feel that is pretty normal protocol. I remember now at my best friends wedding as I was the bridesmaid and required to sign a document during the ceremony that I was then seated at front and the mother of the bride was in the row behind me. Also the wedding party walks in last and need to sit down fast to give the bride her moment. I do feel you should drop this as organising a wedding is stressful and you are making a big deal out of something that you shouldn't do.

Are you in the same position?

Well she’s not the one getting married, either accept an invite with good grace or throw a strop and not attend, thereby missing out on a huge family occasion, because you weren’t made to feel important enough. Not surprised the groom is keeping OP at arms length tbh.