Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

You sound incredibly petty saying that you are considering not going to the wedding just because you aren’t in the front row. Maybe time for a little self reflection on why he doesn’t want you by his side as he gets married. If you want a good relationship with your son going forwards, you turn up to the wedding and sit in the second row with a smile on your face. Do not kick up a fuss and cause stress for him on his special day. It’s not about you.

Yes they can control what happens there but they don't control everything because people aren't their puppets.

Thank God for a sensible and honest reply. OP of course you're upset as mother of the groom of course his parents and the brides parents sit on the front row.
Can't the gf sit in the second row on an aisle seat where she still has access to be a witness.
I hope you have a lovely day.

Some of these responses are just toxic.

Going off at a tangent….what’s the purpose of “groomsmen”. Are they what we used to call ushers? If that’s the case, once they’ve done their ushering job, that’s them done and they sit with their partner/family. The only one your son “needs” at hand is the best man who generally plays a part in the ceremony.

Your son is a total fanny and groomzilla on this!

A mother threatening to not attend her own child's wedding because of some perceived slight between her and her ex husband on the day comes across immature, petty and unreasonable.
Probably not the sort of person to engage in meaningful discussion and would almost certainly have an issue being seated beside the ex anyway.

Weddings are just about the only absolutely old-fashioned formal event most people in the UK attend these days. There is a form to these which isn't exactly cast in stone, but it's a bit like the Pirate's Code. They really are "guidelines" but in the normal course of a wedding most people would expect (unless they know there are issues) to see both parents close to the groom (either in church or in the registrar's office).

So to see the "natural order" of things not being adhered to will make a lot of people thoughtful. We're human, it's our nature. And yes, "your wedding your rules" but we have all seen agony columns and maybe threads here where a woman gets married, has had no input from her father all her life, to all intents and purposes her step dad IS her dad, and yet she gets her bio-father to walk her down the aisle. And all the advice to the step-dads is to accept it with a smile.

If i were at a wedding where that happened? too bloody right i would be judging. But only in my head because I'm not a complete arse. My own wedding wasn't without drama, so much so that my usually calm and brilliant in a crisis dad stepped in - gave my MIL a stack of invitations and said "give us the list of names when you've all stopped arguing about it, so we can make a table plan".

Meow

I think people are being unkind to you on here. It is usual for parents to be in the front row and I'd feel humiliated and devastated too about not being. Things still hurt even though you know you have to rise above it, it's his choice etc. I think wanting grandad and uncle there too isn't right though. I think you have to assume there is some complicated stuff going on for you son and try and see it like that and try to support them. Slap on a smile , you dont really have a choice.

Toxic for calling OP out for attempting to ruin her sons wedding.

Children of divorced parents have to deal with the fall out for decades to come and this is a prime example.

OP is the only toxic one.

Yes parents should be on front row

If both have partners then both partners sit in second row if not enough room

Do not do this under any circumstance!
Your son has explicitly told you that you are to sit in the second row and that the front row seats are allocated for other people. If you rock up and start trying to switch seats when your son has been very clear about his wishes on HIS wedding day you would be an absolutely CF and I wouldn’t be surprised if he threw you out the Church.

I think your post shows why you’re on the second row.

Dont be a dick and sit where you are asked ffs.

Yes and I bet you would be so understanding if it was happening to you.

I can understand your hurt. There is protocol and etiquette associated with weddings, and it feels like a deliberate snub.

However, your son is either not aware of this, or is putting practical considerations ahead of etiquette/ your feelings, e.g the best man’s partner managing the small children in the wedding party. Is there an acrimonious relationship with your ex?

If your father’s mobility is very limited, I think I would be inclined to ask for a chair for him to be set up near the entrance to the room, and sit with him so that he is comfortable. Other than that, don’t raise it again with your son, as it will just lead to further ill feeling.

He is, but who will end up being hurt?

Perhaps OP should reflect on her relationship with her son and how her relationship with her ex husband has impacted her son. I imagine the wedding links into both of those things.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel hurt. But I think you need to make peace with the situation as it’s not going to change from the sound of it.
Be gracious, get yourself a gorgeous frock and a hat the size of a cartwheel. You’re a very lucky lady to have such a big family around you including your lovely Dad. Don’t let the stress of the position of your chair affect the wonderful memories and moments you will experience with those you love the most.

I think you are turning this unnecessarily into a competition with your ex's new partner.

I don't think there's any expectation about where grandparents and uncles sit in the church, and to pressure him to have them in the front row is silly.

Ultimately, it is his choice. If you are being honest, is it that the seating has driven hope some broader difficulties in your relationship? Communicating by messages seems like there could be something else going on. Ultimately, if you are less close, then it makes sense to have his closest family at the front, and that isn't defined by your biological relationship.

It does sound like you were asking him to prioritise everyone else's needs and feelings, rather than his wishes.

Some nasty replies here and people making big assumptions based on very little. It’s quite possible to be a lot of thought into something and still come to a terrible conclusion, especially when you’re stressed. My guess is that they’ve thought “well X and Y need to be at the front and couples should sit together” and not thought through what this means for op. Especially if they haven’t been to many weddings and don’t understand how unusual it is to put your mum in the second row.

I suspect this will work out. If I were either of the GFs I’d feel really uncomfortable and offer to swap with op.

Ah Op You won’t get much sympathy here - it’s mumsnet according to most posters you should be grateful he is has even invited you at all! In fact you should be thankful he even acknowledges your existence and that he hasn’t gone no contact!

in the real world, you are not being unreasonable and you have every right to feel put out

Yes, perhaps you have much more of an insight than the OP.

his dads GF is a witness

Anyone else thinking that behind this throwaway statement buried in the middle of the post there's three chapters of backstory that probably explains exactly why the seating arrangements are the way they are?

this is ridiculous. sorry you are having to go through this.

This is not something I could get worked up about. I wouldn't care where I sat as long as I was invited.