Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Some people just use the word girlfriend/boyfriend to mean partner. It doesn't signify anything.

Nobody at the wedding, nobody, is going to be thinking "oh, look, the mother of the bride is on the second row! How outrageous.

I wouldn't find it outrageous but I would notice and I would thinks that it was strange that the best man's wife and child were on the front row and the mother of the groom wasn't.

No they don't reign supreme. They can say what they want and who they want but you can say you aren't going, they can't control that however much they think they can.

Nobody at the wedding, nobody, is going to be thinking "oh, look, the mother of the bride is on the second row! How outrageous."

haha - i come from a big family as does DH. We have been to dozens of weddings over the years. And i can guarantee that this would have had all the tongues wagging.

I'd notice and I'd think less of the groom for doing that. His best man's girlfriend in front of his mother, the woman who gave birth to him and raised him? It is insulting.

Congratulations to him for doing something that will permanently hurt his mother and damage her relationship with him. What a little asshole.

She was good enough to provide a home for him for 28 years (!) but not good enough to sit up front and sign the register? Fuck that.

OP, I wouldn't say another word to him about it. I'd attend, smile, be gracious as you mingle before the vows, but sit in the back row, and leave with my husband after the ceremony. And, unfortunately, adjust my expecatations because this is only a hint at how things are going to be from now on. Sorry this is happening to you. 💐

You sound like my MIL & how she was about some of our wedding choices. Having to discuss & justify our choices added so much stress to an already stressful time & it drove a wedge between us & her when the relationship already wasn't great. We went ahead with how we'd already decided to do things so all she achieved was making it worse. It sounds like you're doing the same. You'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Go or don't go, but if you go sit where you're asked and do not mention this again, before, during or after.

Having had to cancel my wedding due to inlaw drama (wanted to invite so many friends we wouldn’t have been able to invite our friends or my family), I’d normally side on the marrying couple’s side, but unless there is a massive drip feed this is weird.

If they need people involved on the front row it should be yourself and your ex (groom’s parents), and great grandparents etc on the 2nd row. Why is the gf a witness and not you?

I’d love to hear the son’s side and why he’s decided to do this. And if there is a reason for the coolness and lack of closeness that makes this scenario make sense.

I imagine his Dad is contributing more to the wedding than you are. Stop making it about you.

Considering how outraged you are over this it is logical to assume he thinks it would be best if you and his dad were seated separately.

Given you are considering not going to his wedding over this it is clear you are a dramatic and petty person and he was right to think you would cause some sort of drama.

Christ, were we meant to be allocating seats for the ceremony?! I've just had to go back and look at photos as I've no idea of who sat in our front row and certainly didn't 'plan' it. Your poor son, this must be worst than trying to figure out the seating arrangement for the meal.

I haven't read all the responses OP - if it were my son I would feel hurt... but what has just come to my mind is my DH telling me that at his first wedding the brides mum was furious her DD wasn't being married in a Catholic church and spent the whole ceremony scowling, she was removed from all wedding photos because she had such a grump on and she went home early.

You love your son. Don't make his wedding day memories be his mum in a bad mood or not attending, in the grand scheme of things its really not worth it.

He's doing the damage.

Step families are notoriously big and unwieldy, and there are only so many front row seats. It sounds like he is juggling a lot of priorities, and I doubt very much that it was meant as a personal insult.

So don't take it as one!

In my case, my dad and mum sat in the front row, and my stepdad and stepmum sat together behind. But all four got on well, so it was no issue. If I had chosen an alternative plan I would have expected them to understand.

Threatening to boycott the wedding is a massive over-reaction. It's your son's day - enjoy it, and stop focussing on seating plans.

Well, that's just people being gossipy little twats then really, isn't it?

At my wedding we had no seats at all, people had to stand because of where we had it, with the exception of a couple of elderly relatives who had to sit and were at the front. Nobody gave a fuck that my mum was behind some random cousin who wasn't able to stand for 20 minutes.

What part of it being his wedding don't you understand? He can choose who goes where for his own satisfaction not to kowtow to a ridiculous hen who is clucking and spitting her feathers because for some absurd reason she believes she will feel superior to her ex husband because she is in the first row and not him!

That's why the dad is in the front as he won't create a drama.

I don't think that is true at all. When my son got married he talked to me and my ex about seating and we all agreed on the best way to do it. His father and I sat together, no issues at all but if I'd been told what the OP has been told I'd have been very hurt.

I'd be really upset at this. Your mum is kind of your top tier guest! That would be really hurtful to me to not be at the front, and it would definitely be seen as a "statement" in our family/it would be discussed.

They do in terms of how things are done at their own wedding. Of course op can decide not to attend, but they have control over where she sits if she does attend.

I don't use the term partner either. I don't like it.

Maybe the dad uses the term girlfriend.

I think the opposite is more likely, he's relegated his mother because he thinks she won't make a fuss, dad and girlfriend in the front to avoid a fuss.

I really don't know whether I can go

You can't be serious.

Absolutely @LaurieStrode

I think this is about far more than the seating.

There are two witnesses. I don't think the identity of the second witness has been mentioned, but the other one is the groom's dad's girlfriend. Which infers that his dad's girlfriend means more to him than his mother does...

OP is NBU for being upset, it's completely understandable.

OP is BU for kicking off at her son and considering not even attending!

OP is also BU for not explaining why she thinks her son has picked his dad's girlfriend - who's not even his stepmum? Girlfriend sounds like somebody his dad has only been with for a short time? - over his own mother to have act as witness.

That's just a spiteful comment.