Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

My bad and I apologise.

It was this post and the one above it which I read as though you had inside knowledge.

I wasn't trying to be nasty.
I'm sorry

Incredibly hurtful, but your son knows this, that’s why he’s doing it. He sees you hurt him years ago, this is his pay-back. You, his Mum sitting behind his father’s girlfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️, vengeful, hurtful in the extreme.

I don’t think anyone calling themselves pumpykins should be calling anyone silly.

@Pumpkinpie1

I know right?! She should be grateful just to be invited! No, actually she should think herself lucky he even deigns to speak to her!

@Rogue1001MNer

thats fine, no worries! 😊

You say you "expected" and this is your problem. It's their wedding and I don't think you have a right to expect anything but an invite. You gripe seems to be over dad's new GF sitting in front of you

Unbelievable. Were you brought up by wolves?!

I doubt you have a child and I feel sorry for them if you do.

The mother who carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, brought him up 24/7 for years is relegated to 2nd "best".

How is that o.k?

So sorry you are going through this OP. So cruel of him.

@Madamum18

“and he might need you in the future”

and? That would be his luck out wouldn’t it? OP has every right to take a bit of a step back from him
now.

None of us can treat people like shit the expect people to be there for us when we need them, parents or not.

I totally agree with you op. His mum and dad at the front, with grandpa who needs legroom. His dads Gf is not his mother, you should not sit behind her.
what is sadder though, is that you two can’t have a coffee and. Civil chat about it. Texts only? There is a problem in your relationship that goes way beyond seating. I’d be really sad and I’m sorry it’s like this. Perhaps best to play the long game to fix your relationship before grandchildren arrive, and start by accepting this wrong without a fuss and then try to win him back. Good luck.

I think this is very hurtful but a time for stoical silence to avoid the situation escalating beyond the wedding.

@Toomuchtrouble4me

”Perhaps best to play the long game to fix your relationship before grandchildren arrive, and start by accepting this wrong without a fuss and then try to win him back. Good luck.”

how do you suggest she “wins him back” when it’s him who has done wrong , not Op

@LuckySantangelo35 are you the DIL-2-be?

Joking, joking, joking!
(Sorry, have had and couldn't resist. Will stop derailing the thread now!)

@Rogue1001MNer

🤣🤣🤣

Hell, I'd sit in the back and acquire some leg room for yourself and your dad. Really show him (his fiancee, really) that it doesn't matter to you where you sit, you're there for your son.

Just quietly be there for him and keep the relationship open so he can come to you if he finally sees the light and realises what a vile young woman he's marrying.

I personally really don’t think it matters who is in which row. Please try to remember that the bride and groom have a very difficult job trying to keep everyone happy and the best thing friends and family can do is be easy going and supportive.

Tho most important thing is you being there to see your son get married and him knowing that he’s got your support. Things like this forever damage relationship between parents and grown up children. Depending on how you behave in the run up to the wedding you will either be thought of as ‘my mum who was really supportive in the run up to our wedding’ or ‘ my mum who was a pain in the bum, made it all about her and didn’t show up’.

Poor you, get over yourself, it's not about you. Weddings are stressful enough without unnecessary unwanted drama.

For goodness sake what does it matter where you sit? You are there just the same and you are still his mothrr! Please just be happy for them.

He lived with his mum and her husband till he was 28 years old. Not his dad.

@Tandora do you realise how offensive that word is?

Did you have to take the time to post that nasty comment?

Or you next post down?!!

I can’t believe some of the replies on this thread - if you have a son this could be you one day
Ive been on mumsnet since the very first day and now is definitely time for me to leave.

I think you go to the wedding but no more of this taking a grown adult out for lunch. Take a break. He’s a spoilt entitled shit of an adult- he was living with you at 28 years old and thought his fiancée could talk like that about his halfsister and it’s your fault they aren’t friends? And how dare his mum ask him to move out?? But of course you still seem good enough to pay for things. And now this second row business is vindictive petty shit. Take a break from this relationship, listen to your dh.

Bringing up autistic children is stressful enough without selfish entitled adult children thinking they get to say and do whatever they like with no repercussions. A wedding is just one day, although in his case unfortunately it ties him to someone who seems just like him.

OP had already explained the backstory…. If you read it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not being unreasonable. I don't think you are making it all about you. As his mother you deserve a modicum of respect. If I were in your position, and who knows, I may be one day, I would be terribly hurt. With that being said, put on your best smile attend and sit in the 2nd row and try to rise above it. Nothing will be accomplished by not attending.

A seat is a seat. If he only has 6 seats at the front and needs the grooms men there (completely normal) then he has 4 seats to give to who he wants. Tradition would be mum & dad but doesnt have to be. To be honest the front row dont see a lot. It might not even be him that did the plan and there's nothing he can do about it.

He sounds stressed and stroppy.

You not sure you can go because you are 1 row back is over the top though. The fall out would be huge and you wont hear the end of how it ruined the day. Same goes for the ideas about arriving early and taking the seat anyway - huge scene will ensue, major family fall out over ruining the wedding... Not worth the hassle! It's his day and the ceremony is what, an hour!? Is it worth not having a relationship over where you sit for an hour? I would just go and make the best of it. I dont really care for out dated social formalities like this anyway. Same with top table, utter nonsense these days. Did away with all of it at mine.