Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Best with weddings to let the bride and groom decide. It’s their day and sometimes to make your son happy, best to put a smile on your face and just go with the flow.

I feel there’s more to this than what u have said, a back story maybe. Whilst I understand you think you should be front row as this is wedding etiquette, we are in 2023 and the traditional way isn’t always used! I’ve been to a few weddings where there was no top table for example… you can’t dictate to anyone how they should plan their wedding 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s weird to leave his mum off the front row but put his dad’s gf in front of you. No wonder you’re hurt.

But I’m more concerned by his hostility towards you. (Not that it stopped him letting you pay for his undoubtedly expensive suit.) He’s not a teenager. OK weddings are stressful to organise. But after it’s over, you need to talk.

You and his dad should be in the front row, unless you are unable to even sit together for the duration of the ceremony

however it’s really not worth getting upset over. In a year down the line will anyone give a shit about any of this. It seems a big deal now but it’s trivial really. Not worth a falling out over.

I understand your initial reaction is one of upset, but you need to look at the bigger picture here. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. I can’t believe you’d even consider not going?! Over a seating plan?! Please take a deep breath for your own sake, let him make his own decision and put your feelings aside for the sake of your relationship.

He probably thinks you want to sit with your father and that’s the best way to do it. You
might be overthinking a bit. Buy a stunning dress, have a glass of champagne and enjoy the day.

Am I mis-reading/being dense, or are you the daughter that was slurred @LuckySantangelo35 ?

Yes, she did. But the son didn't and OP chucked him out on the strength of what the future DIL said.

Whatever the reason (and a horrible slur about your child is a good reason) the son and future DIL are estranged from the OP so obviously she's not going to play a part in their wedding.

To be fair, I’ve been married twice and at both ceremonies never placed anyone anywhere. I didn’t even know this was a thing in the ceremony itself. Yes, I’d there ceremony was “seated” insofar as everyone has allotted seats, in your position OP I’d be incredibly salty, but I really wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.

The seating isn't the main issue, the main issue is his fiancee's vile comments about his sister, and his hostile, disrespectful and scathing treatment of his mother, the woman who sheltered him for 28 years.

So in other words, be a doormat, walk on eggshells, etc. just so sonny-boy continues to throw you the occasional bone (or let you pay for something expensive like his wedding suit.)

I couldn't live like that.

Wow, that’s a massive drip feed. The vile name calling was bad enough but he was also mean to your daughter’s cat?? 😠

I’d have chucked him out too and no, I wouldn’t bother going to their wedding either. Fuck ‘em.

Nonsense. I hate phone calls and much prefer texts or messages, nothing to do with people not keeping their word or being manipulative. I just cant be arsed with phone calls. What a strange assumption

If anyone said that about my kids id have tore the face right off them. If your son thinks thats acceptable he is either vile, an idiot or both. Not a chance id go to that wedding or if i did id make sure a bottle of jaeger went over the horrible cows white dress.

Dont go to this wedding, save your hat for the next time when he marries someone better 😉

Oh God, this is a horrid situation. To be fair the relationship has already been broken thanks to the bride’s vile slur on your daughter. Up to you if you go or not, I’d not be busting a gut given the updated circs.

@Tandora

Regardless of age, It was still his home.”

it’s not though. It’s op’s home. Is his name on the mortgage etc?

No. It’s op home and he should show some appreciation that she allowed him to live there as long as she did. He couldn’t show his sister basic care and respect so he had to go - bye, bye

I'd be heartbroken too but more heartbroken that be was marrying a cunt of the highest order.

I couldn't go but I do agree it'd be better to go and just be polite. She wants to cause drama so best not to give her the benefit.

@Rogue1001MNer

obviously no, I’m not. What makes you say that?

@Annierob

what about OP’s happiness though? Or does that not count?

I recently went to a wedding. Front row was seating for Bridesmaids, ring bearer, etc. Everyone else sat wherever they wanted.
At the wedding breakfast, Bride & Groom only sat at top table, with (divorced) parents at the next closest tables.

@pumpykins

a woman daring to express her emotions is “pathetic”?! I couldn’t disageee more!

.

YANBU to be a bit upset, but at the end of the day it's their wedding..YABU to consider not going- imagine if someone asked you why you weren't there and you had to explain, and you may hear how ridiculous it sounds! If u refuse to go over it, I wouldn't be surprised if that's the end if you and your sons relationship completely- consider whether seating positions are really worth that .

About this silly issue. Yes

More important things to get upset about

Anyone would think OP had been excluded from attending