Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Regardless of age, It was still his home. He was living there with his family, and had at that moment nowhere else to go. His sister was also an adult at that time.

It’s a case of “if he wanted too he would” fact is he doesn’t prioritise you enough to have you sit up front. For what ever reason just appreciate that you have been invited and are attending the wedding for him and his wife to be. Who cares?!? Swallow your pride and be happy for him. The fact you have brought this to his attention and been met with a torrent of abuse means he really doesn’t want to deal with your extra stress. It’s his wedding and for what ever reason he has chosen the front row to be the front row. Right or wrong it’s not for you to comment. The fact that you’re debating on even going because of this shows the sort of person you are IMO. Just be happy for them. Let your issues with the Ex husbands girl friend go too. She got chosen to be a witness not you.

last wedding I went to (which was just before my own), the groom's mother was on the second row...groomsmen and best man were on the front row.It was a small church. I don't really see that it makes any difference tbh.

(My own wedding, neither of our mothers are alive so we didn't have that problem. My elderly dad watched online! My youngest son gave me away, my eldest was my husband's best man and my daughter my maid of honour...they were all front row, but it was a wide church!).

When my daughter gets married next year, I'm assuming I'll be 2nd row because of her bridesmaids sitting at the front.... as long as my ex's partner doesn't sit next to me, everything will be fine LOL😜 (not that I would cause a huge fuss ).

So what’s your solution? Switch with those in the first row?

It’s his wedding and you’re having a little drama about where you’re sitting and how it hursts your ego. So what’s your solution???

Go to the wedding. Sit where you are told to. Smile. Congratulate everyone. be nice to h your new DIL! The fiancee is going to be his wife....you have to live with each other or you will end up estranged which would be sad!!

By saying she wont see you etc the fiancee is clearly not taking responsibility for her obnoxious behaviour towards your daughter. I doubt she will take responsibility for a load of other things tat might happen in the future either. and your son clearly agrees with her or is doing so to keep the peace.

You keep the peace by just being nice and not reacting. You don't want to lose him and he might need you in the future

Yup read OP’s updates. She is NC with the bride and has a fractious relationship with her son due to a long standing conflict between him/ his bride and his step dad/ half siblings.

Its unusual to have ‘set’ places at ceremonies, though naturally it’s the parents of groom/bride who normally take the prestigious front row seats, so I can understand your feeling of being ‘snubbed’ by his choice of where to put you.
That said, arranging a wedding & trying to accommodate various logistics (e.g; flower girl needs to be close by , in their opinion, therefore so does her mother etc) without upsetting anyone can be virtually impossible, particularly if it’s a large wedding with lots of people. I’m also wondering if the reception is a sit down meal, and if so where will you be placed there? . It’s a shame your son got shirty with you, but please bear in mind he’s probably under a lot of pressure so doesn’t need any negativity from his own mum. Say no more about it, just accept & embrace everything that’s been arranged, put a smile on your face & go to the wedding in good grace. Btw he’s probably feeling crap about upsetting you, so maybe just to clear the air you can text him to say no hard feelings, you understand he’s stressed atm?

Unless there's 10 each then the bridesmaids/ushers would sit in the SAME row as the parents.

If not, they sat behind

By saying she wont see you etc the fiancee is clearly not taking responsibility for her obnoxious behaviour towards your daughter

She did take responsibility, she apologised right at the time and has since tried to make amends but has been repeatedly rejected. All because of a few words she said (not even directly to daughter, but overheard) 3 years ago. I don’t blame her for not wanting people who have rejected her in this way and refused to offer her any grace sitting front and centre at her wedding!

Well as his fiancée sounds an absolute peach I'm not surprised the OP has been 'relegated'
She sounds absolutely vile and I don't blame the others for not wanting her as a 'friend'

The fiancé is a nasty piece of work and your son is much better. Hopefully, they don't have kids before they likely split or she will try to weaponise them against you as well. This all seems very malicious. Go for the ceremony and leave ASAP. Your son is an adult there is no excuse for his poor choices and behaviour.

I disagree with this take, but regardless, it is her wedding, so hardly surprising she doesn’t want OP and family sitting front row!

The issue is that the Best Man's child is a flower girl so needs to be looked after. Perhaps suggest that the BMW, baby and flower girl could sit in the second row. This is what we did at my BIL wedding with our child on the aisle.

It does seem rude but I suspect the issue is they only have one spare chair in the front so you could sit there but not Step-Dad so they've put GM there instead. If you were still with Dad, you'd have been sat in the front. I've also presumed you are amicable with your ex but maybe the Groom felt sitting you all next to each other would be inappropriate?

ItsmeImtheproblem200 why are you baffled on mumsnet when the mum is not in the front row? Of course she is, like the brides mum. And the dads, the best man and bridesmaids. Of course.

For god's sake, OP, you and your future DIL are estranged and you have a very strained relationship with your son. You had quite the drip feed.

Your second family and your first family clearly don't get on.

Sorry... whose "special day" is this?
You feel humiliated because he put his step mum above you in a public way. But, if for some reason you can't be on the same row, what's he supposed to do? I would assume in this position that I got second billing because I'm known to be more reasonable 🤷.

YANBU. Of course he is ‘entitled’ to arrange the seating however he likes, in the sense that there are no actual laws or rules about it. But it’s not at all unreasonable that you would expect to be front row. Moreover even if he had good reasons for the arrangement he has chosen, he could have communicated with you about these in a loving and respectful way which acknowledged your feelings instead of being so defensive and unpleasant.

I’m sorry you’re hurt OP, I would be too.

So you, your husband, your Dad and your brother should take up 4 of the 6 front row seats, even though none of you are taking an active part in the ceremony? 🤔

It’s just a seat. How about trying to help your son to have as nice a day as possible, rather than making everything more stressful?

Why the fuck should the dd "make amends" with the woman who called her that vile name

Not read the updates but from the op I voted YABU because to say you might not attend because of the seating plan is very over dramatic. However I think it’s normal for divorcees/blended families to put their feelings aside for the day and both parents be placed in the front row, with step parents behind.

yeah, because the DIL used a disgusting slur about OP’s child and then blamed OP for the fact that the victim of that slur didn’t want to be best pals with her afterwards…

His wedding, his choice.
However that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel hurt that he's prioritising his father's GF over you, whatever the reason.

If I was that GF, I'd be mortified and move, quickly. Maybe she will too?

Some people's weddings are shocking in hindsight, so try to enjoy the day in the round. And congratulations on your son's marriage!

Groomsmen (horrible US word) on second row. Parents of bridal couple on front rows. Especially the mothers! We gave them life!

Because she apologised and she is family. Sometimes people say crappy things in the heat of the moment. Words are not permanent.

I just have! 😂 It was plainly obvious there was a lot more to this situation and that the mother/son aren't close.