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Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
toadasoda · 25/10/2023 18:37

OP, your post had me pondering all evening yesterday!! Here's what I think - I agree 100% with you, I think its really shitty. Especially given the background you have explained. I think it is intentional and probably suggested by the bride to be. You have every right to be upset - so be upset, complain, moan, talk to a good friend, maybe even shed a tear. But then wear a beautiful outfit and turn up with a big smile on your face and enjoy the day best you can. Remember all the love and pride you have for this man, think about your lives together before now and all the wonderful moments you have shared. Try to feel the love in the room, everyone is there because they care about one or other of these two people. I don't agree with your sons actions but I suspect he is being manipulated by his fiancee and possibly under huge stress, plus his family background is complicated. In the overall scheme of things, this is just a blip. He is your son who lived with you for 28 years, be proud of him and show support for 1 day. Little things can fester forever, just like that nasty comment in the past, likewise if you say anything about this seating arrangement that will fester too and its the last thing the family needs. Good luck OP, please enjoy the day.

crumblingschools · 25/10/2023 18:40

@WanderlyWagonInWales no it is about her daughter being called a spastic and OP being punished for that!

Spirallingdownwards · 25/10/2023 18:40

Well the OPs last pist clearly sets out why they are second row rather than first. Frankly if you put your son out of the house what else would you expect?

Even if that hadn't happened it's one of those things that happens when there are divorced parents and 2 families.

With all OPs mob they won't fit on the front row with best man whereas Dad's side do.

This is obviously the most sensible solution. You will end up making things a whole lot worse with your son. Don't ruin their big day!! That will be with them always

Applesonthelawn · 25/10/2023 18:40

I totally agree with PP who says just go, be lovely to everyone, no drama, try to make sure they have a nice day. One day they may no longer be married and he will need you and it will serve you very well to have risen above any situations (no matter how justified you are to feel as you do, and I agree with you wholeheartedly). There are times in life when all we can do is take the high road.

SerafinasGoose · 25/10/2023 18:41

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:19

@Chunkychips23 "my DM had several strops in the run up and on the day because she wasn’t centre of attention" - in your opinion!!

You see, I don't think it's unreasonable for your mother who gave you life and brought you up, to be able to express her views about her daughter's wedding. Maybe you were a total bridezilla. Certainly sounds like it was your way or the high way.

I struggle to understand why weddings are all about the bride and groom!!! It's a big day for your guests too, particularly your parents, and if a little compromise is needed so that they enjoy their day too, then you shouldn't just stomp your little foot and moan, "but it's MYYYY DAYYYY"!!

You see, this is the attitude I in turn struggle to understand. I've had my slice of the cake. I had my own wedding (actually didn't have a cake) organized it exactly the way DH and I wanted it, in a way that made us happy. We didn't discriminate: no family came.

I'd want nothing other than for my children to have the same privilege, whether that necessitated my attendance or not (as long as I wasn't being deliberately singled out for some unkind, passive-aggressive gesture to put me in my place). If they wanted to do a moonlight flit and marry on a beach somewhere just the two of them, fine. Because indeed it is about them. My only view about my DC's wedding would be that if they're happy, I'm happy.

If you're paying for your wedding yourself - we neither wanted, requested nor got financial contributions or gifts - you are entitled to have your wedding precisely as you like it. You're under obligation to no one. But the next objection parents frequently make is that, 'well, we paid for X portion of the wedding so that entitles us to a say'. No, it doesn't. You're not buying stakes in your kid's wedding. Monetary gifts shouldn't be a bargaining chip, but it's surprising how frequently they are.

I also have a personal abhorrence of the phrase 'I gave you life'. That's coming from someone who was exceptionally close to my own mum (who, incidentally, never used it). It's a mark of the utmost entitlement. You chose to have children; they didn't ask to be born. I hope sincerely mine will grow up to like me, as any mother would. But there is no law to say this will definitely be the case.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/10/2023 18:41

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 18:20

In other words allow them to blackmail you with the prize of access to any of their offspring? They'll probably split up, they seem as unpleasant as each other, and if it's after any children then she'll be weaponising 'her' children against his family.

Show quote history

@Mischance

i wouldn’t care. I would not prioritise hypothetical grankids over the feelings of my daughter who has been so badly disrespected by the Fiance.
Not all women are so desperate for grandchildren they’ll will let their offspring and their spouses ride rough shod over them and people they care about.
op’s son will be dead sorry when he wants babysitting though!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 25/10/2023 18:42

Be grateful to be there at all. Not all of us have that pleasure. It sounds like it's the fact you're sitting behind the ex's gf that's your biggest gripe. I get that, but in the grand scheme of things, it's only for what, twenty minutes? Don't let this be the cause of your son cutting you off completely. It's twenty minutes out of a lifetime with him. Is it worth it?

Lindyloomillion1 · 25/10/2023 18:43

Seems a strange choice of seating but
don't let this spoil the whole day for you.
There are probably other factors involved you may not know about

LuluBlakey1 · 25/10/2023 18:47

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/10/2023 22:53

In which case I would go and sit on the second row, and never mention the fact that I thought I should be at the front because I think that would give his fiancée satisfaction.

Given her behaviour, it's very likely the marriage won't last and then I'm sure he'll come back to you.

In the meantime, I would just stay civil with him, talk about day-to-day things but never say anything that could be repeated to her and blown up in your face.

It's a really horrible situation. There is no doubt that it's not that they want his dad at the front, they are punishing you by putting you in the second row. If you just act like you don't care about where you sit then you will survive the day!

^^ This

Gymnopedie · 25/10/2023 18:48

Remember all the love and pride you have for this man

My love and pride for this man would be severely diminished if he didn't immediately rip his fiancee a new one for making that comment about his sister.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:49

SerafinasGoose · 25/10/2023 18:41

You see, this is the attitude I in turn struggle to understand. I've had my slice of the cake. I had my own wedding (actually didn't have a cake) organized it exactly the way DH and I wanted it, in a way that made us happy. We didn't discriminate: no family came.

I'd want nothing other than for my children to have the same privilege, whether that necessitated my attendance or not (as long as I wasn't being deliberately singled out for some unkind, passive-aggressive gesture to put me in my place). If they wanted to do a moonlight flit and marry on a beach somewhere just the two of them, fine. Because indeed it is about them. My only view about my DC's wedding would be that if they're happy, I'm happy.

If you're paying for your wedding yourself - we neither wanted, requested nor got financial contributions or gifts - you are entitled to have your wedding precisely as you like it. You're under obligation to no one. But the next objection parents frequently make is that, 'well, we paid for X portion of the wedding so that entitles us to a say'. No, it doesn't. You're not buying stakes in your kid's wedding. Monetary gifts shouldn't be a bargaining chip, but it's surprising how frequently they are.

I also have a personal abhorrence of the phrase 'I gave you life'. That's coming from someone who was exceptionally close to my own mum (who, incidentally, never used it). It's a mark of the utmost entitlement. You chose to have children; they didn't ask to be born. I hope sincerely mine will grow up to like me, as any mother would. But there is no law to say this will definitely be the case.

Show quote history

It's just an expression - not one I would use to my children - but if you have a good mother then I think you need to remember that and treat her accordingly.

What you did is fine - and I actually think more people should do it! - you pleased yourselves and did have others there.

However if you do choose to have your parents and other guests, then I absolutely think they should all be treated with respect!! If I had accepted their financial support I didn't), I'd also expect them to have some input.

Tandora · 25/10/2023 18:56

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 22:47

Hello thank you for over 600 responses. I am unable to reply to over 600 comments … however, I am not sure if I should add some background but here goes.

My son met his fiancée three years ago they get married very soon. Everything was fine and we all got on. He doesn’t have much to do with his half siblings as they are considerably younger 8/9 years than him, however, if in at same time then the occasional Chinese takeaway.

The main rift started when his half sister overheard his fiancée call her an “autistic spastic” as did my husband and his half brother. He also was mean to my daughter’s cat … but apologised. Both apologised for the terrible remark but my daughter could not just forgive and forget. It made it very uncomfortable and for the sake of my daughter I asked my first eldest son to move out earlier than his house was ready. (It was ready in seven days).

My son has never really forgiven me I don’t think for asking him to leave early… he has always lived with me From birth up to 7 years with his dad then I left his dad ,then in rented with me then when I met my new husband. He was ten when we got married. He is now turned 31. We did meet up all of us for a meal and everyone was civil but his fiancée bombarded my daughter with friend requests which she didn’t want to accept. She just wanted to keep it polite and civil. My eldest son wanted me to try and make my daughter accept the requests and just move on and forget it. My daughter couldn’t and at the age of 21 at that time and an adult it was her decision.
His fiancée around nine months ago decided she doesn’t want to see or talk to me as it so I’ve had no involvement in the wedding, whatsoever apart from paying for his tailor made suit and accessories. I last spoke to his fiancée ten months ago when we went to collect the suit. Because I couldn’t persuade the two siblings to be her buddies I seem to now be the one she blames.
My eldest son the groom to be I meet up with every few weeks but there has been a lot of tension and messages back and forth over the last few years about the situation. My daughter, son and husband are so upset how he treats me and speaks to me that they were only going to his wedding to support me and his grandad and my brother who has learning difficulties.

I have not seen his dad or partner/ girlfriend in over ten years. It was not amicable when I left his dad however we are both a lot older and I am sure his dad and partner would be civil with us as we would with them. That would not be problem even though I think my son thinks it would!

I honestly have nothing against his dad or his partner, she has been in his life a considerable time but never married. My son gets on with her but doesn’t see either of them a great deal so it has come as a shock to me that she is on the first row.

When I meet up with my son to catch up and buy him lunch (usually every six weeks or so) I always invite her but she never wants to come with him. Me and my son get on okay but it’s not the same as it was prior to him moving out we were very close and discussed everything. I just feel he resents me somewhat as I couldn’t alter his siblings opinion of his fiancée. I feel really torn tbh as our relationship is nowhere near like it used to be. He would never have spoke or swore to me like this.

I just would have liked to be sat on the first row with the rest of

I truly appreciate all your responses even the more harsh ones. I would like to speak to him but know he won’t answer me (I’ve tried)..

Eek this is one hell of a drip feed. Honestly I think throwing your son out of his home for something his fiancée said that hurt his half sibling is a fairly unforgivable offence. What the fiancée said was awful but it sounds like it was one comment many years ago and she has apologised (so has your son) and tried to make amends. I don’t think people (especially family) should be perpetually punished and ostracised for a few shitty words overheard by others. It sounds like you handled this conflict poorly and chose your sides. I’m not surprised your son is hurt. (There are also probably first/ second family dynamics going on here that make things worse). Tbh I think you reap what you sow. You should go to the wedding, sit where you have been assigned and do your best to be gracious and make amends. As should your DD.

LuluBlakey1 · 25/10/2023 18:57

tara66 · 25/10/2023 09:03

OP - if you want to make a little protest scene - why don't you and your group arrive a little late and just sit at the back and be generally disruptive - coughing etc ??

Please don't do this OP. It's pathetically childish. Be the bigger person - go, sit in the second row, be happy, congratulate them, look delighted and like a proud mum and be there to help him pick up the pieces when it falls apart.

He is in a difficult position- his fiancee clearly isn't open and welcoming of you and your second family. He is caught up by it and probably having to tread a very fine line.

Be the bigger person, a lovely mum and play the long game- there is a bigger gain in the future.

I do think at some point your DD and him need to make up. He is excluded because of her choices and it was as much his home and you and you DH his parents, as hers.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 25/10/2023 18:57

Aww, such a shame. I absolutely get how you feel. I would be gutted too. But. He's your boy, you love him. Go to your little ingrates wedding and smile and wish them the very best. Men just don't THINK the same way we do. GO

CountessWindyBottom · 25/10/2023 19:06

I think you’re being completely ridiculous and projecting your own views of your ex husband and his partner on to your son…..in the lead up to his wedding. I can understand why you may feel hurt but this isn’t about you or your ex or his wife. It’s about your son and his bride so just let it go and don’t cause bad blood based on pride and entitlement. Stop waging a war of words via text and enjoy the day.

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/10/2023 19:08

peachgreen · 24/10/2023 12:18

Also, it makes sense. The people on the front row are the ones taking part in the ceremony (best man and dad's girlfriend who's a witness).

It's rubbish for the OP to not be in the front row, as the groom's mum, especially if they are close. However, I would query how close a person really is to someone who only wants to communicate via text. And he clearly has a very good relationship with dad's girlfriend to have given her a 'role' in the ceremony. So there's definitely more going on here...

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/10/2023 19:12

OP you picked sides with favouring your daughter and asking your son to move out. You haven’t spoken to him in 10 months and have had little involvement in planning his wedding.
In the circumstances sitting on the 2nd row was understandable.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/10/2023 19:13

@Tandora

Eek this is one hell of a drip feed. Honestly I think throwing your son out of his home for something his fiancée said that hurt his half sibling is a fairly unforgivable offence. “

aye but it’s not his home though is it, it’s OP’s. Did you miss the bit about him being 28?

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/10/2023 19:13

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/10/2023 19:12

OP you picked sides with favouring your daughter and asking your son to move out. You haven’t spoken to him in 10 months and have had little involvement in planning his wedding.
In the circumstances sitting on the 2nd row was understandable.

@Pumpkinpie1

yeah cos it was the daughter who was wronged, not him

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/10/2023 19:16

SecondUsername4me · 24/10/2023 12:25

It says in the opening post that his dad's girlfriend is a witness -so I can only assume they have a close relationship?
.makes sense to have the witnesses on the front row.

This!

My understanding is, you choose witnesses based on those you want to give a role to, who can't otherwise be accommodated. In my view, he is making a significant statement with this choice.

PeachyPeachTrees · 25/10/2023 19:16

The parents of the bride and groom should be on the front row and anyone who has a part eg MOH BM and witness.
As his Dad's GF is a witness, I can see why she is on front row and I assume they have a good relationship. Who is on the top table? Definitely go to the wedding, it would be potentially relationship ruining to not go based on this.

Blunderpuss · 25/10/2023 19:17

if you miss the wedding you will never be able to get that day back and you would regret it. I know two women who missed their son’s wedding. One the next day tried to get people to dress up in wedding outfits so they could be in photos. The other although the relationship was patched up it never fully recovered ever.

i am with everyone else most people don’t notice order in cerémony. Top table is more significant and re the dad’s girlfriend in front of you. If he is your son’s best man and as her being witness she obviously has to be next to her husband. It doesn’t strike me as personal attack on you. There are a lot of logistics in a wedding and with split families hard to please everyone. If you don’t go you could be risking future relations with grandchildren etc. Let it go and enjoy the day.

Northernladdette · 25/10/2023 19:19

Haven’t read all the posts, but tbh I didn’t realise this was even a thing? I thought you sat where you wanted? 🤔

Elspeth7 · 25/10/2023 19:19

I mean, I do get why you hate this. But actually it is quite complicated and was probably stressful for your son. I think it's weird that the dad's gf is a witness, but since she is then it kinda does make sense for her to be up front. The best man is normally there, it's unusual for his wife and daughter to sit with him, but if his daughter is involved and very young then they maybe do need his wife there to help while BM has duties to perform. Which only leaves 3 seats on the front row. There are 3 of them, and 6 of you, plus she's a witness so needs to have easy access upfront, so I'm afraid I do think your son has made the best decision he could.
Try not to let it spoil your day. I think it will make you look very difficult and even self centered if you refuse to attend.

Pliudev · 25/10/2023 19:22

It's understandable to be upset but you are in danger of making it much worse. If you don't go, over what is a relatively trivial issue, you will always regret it. You will also make yourself look rather petty. It won't exactly be a good start to your relationship with the bride and groom as a married couple. Swallow your pride and your hurt and smile on through. Worse things happen.

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