Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 17:53

Changedmymind99 · 24/10/2023 23:57

As I suspected the asking about leg room for OP’s dad was a ploy to manipulate. There was an agenda. Like who asks for leg room? A special chair or other of course, but leg room us an excuse to angle a situation for personal gain. Nonsensical.

OP this is a really shitty situation. But threatening to not attend your sons wedding or not attending at all will end any hope of a relationship with him for ever. By threatening it, it’s blatant manipulation and it won’t ever end well for you.

Given your history, go to the wedding, perhaps leave your daughters at home (as they aren’t there for the right reasons based on your update). Maintain the relationship and do the right thing. Let the seating go for your sanity.

I suspect you’re also worried about what others will think of you being relegated to the second row. Are you? If so you need to rise above that and realise people
probably assume that’s just the way it landed in the day due to your ex arriving first for example. Nobody will notice really other than you. So let other opinions stress go.

Go to the wedding. Do the right thing, leave your expectations in bed that morning and make the best of the day.

Good luck

Don't be ridiculous!! My granny for example had painful leg ulcers and we always had to make sure she had plenty of space in front of her, and wasn't sitting worrying that someone was near enough to bump into her. You have no idea why a 93 year old man might require this, and you are very lacking in imagination if you can't see so.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I could not disagree with you more.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 17:57

WandaWonder · 25/10/2023 00:40

You do realise it is not your wedding? this is coming across as the biggest thing in your life, seriously?

If you carried like this to me you would not be coming at all good grief

Edited

How tone deaf can you be...

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 18:06

Buy a fabulous outfit ( not upstaging the bride of course) and keep smiling.

Better still buy a fabulous white outfit and frown on any photos they deign to invite you to be on!

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:13

gannett · 25/10/2023 12:55

They're not OK, but what we don't know is whether the fiancee said that in a one-off moment of frustration, was mortified and has since tried to make genuine amends - or whether she said it out of contempt and it's part of a pattern of nastiness.

To be clear I don't think the sister is required to forgive her either way. But the OP does need to accept that the fiancee will be around long-term and act accordingly. If she wants a closer relationship with her son then she will need to forgive and forget with the fiancee, to an extent.

If the fiancee has consistently shown herself to be a nasty piece of work along those ablist lines, and the son has backed her all the way, I would not be tempted to mend the relationship though.

Show quote history

If she said it on that occasion, you can be damn sure that's what she thinks - and it's unforgiveable. And to use the phrase within earshot of the girl. There's no minimising that. It's a disgusting thing to say. I'd probably have kicked the fiancee out at the point.

She doesn't sound one bit mortified. She's out for revenge and OP's idiot DS is enabling her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2023 18:16

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 22:47

Hello thank you for over 600 responses. I am unable to reply to over 600 comments … however, I am not sure if I should add some background but here goes.

My son met his fiancée three years ago they get married very soon. Everything was fine and we all got on. He doesn’t have much to do with his half siblings as they are considerably younger 8/9 years than him, however, if in at same time then the occasional Chinese takeaway.

The main rift started when his half sister overheard his fiancée call her an “autistic spastic” as did my husband and his half brother. He also was mean to my daughter’s cat … but apologised. Both apologised for the terrible remark but my daughter could not just forgive and forget. It made it very uncomfortable and for the sake of my daughter I asked my first eldest son to move out earlier than his house was ready. (It was ready in seven days).

My son has never really forgiven me I don’t think for asking him to leave early… he has always lived with me From birth up to 7 years with his dad then I left his dad ,then in rented with me then when I met my new husband. He was ten when we got married. He is now turned 31. We did meet up all of us for a meal and everyone was civil but his fiancée bombarded my daughter with friend requests which she didn’t want to accept. She just wanted to keep it polite and civil. My eldest son wanted me to try and make my daughter accept the requests and just move on and forget it. My daughter couldn’t and at the age of 21 at that time and an adult it was her decision.
His fiancée around nine months ago decided she doesn’t want to see or talk to me as it so I’ve had no involvement in the wedding, whatsoever apart from paying for his tailor made suit and accessories. I last spoke to his fiancée ten months ago when we went to collect the suit. Because I couldn’t persuade the two siblings to be her buddies I seem to now be the one she blames.
My eldest son the groom to be I meet up with every few weeks but there has been a lot of tension and messages back and forth over the last few years about the situation. My daughter, son and husband are so upset how he treats me and speaks to me that they were only going to his wedding to support me and his grandad and my brother who has learning difficulties.

I have not seen his dad or partner/ girlfriend in over ten years. It was not amicable when I left his dad however we are both a lot older and I am sure his dad and partner would be civil with us as we would with them. That would not be problem even though I think my son thinks it would!

I honestly have nothing against his dad or his partner, she has been in his life a considerable time but never married. My son gets on with her but doesn’t see either of them a great deal so it has come as a shock to me that she is on the first row.

When I meet up with my son to catch up and buy him lunch (usually every six weeks or so) I always invite her but she never wants to come with him. Me and my son get on okay but it’s not the same as it was prior to him moving out we were very close and discussed everything. I just feel he resents me somewhat as I couldn’t alter his siblings opinion of his fiancée. I feel really torn tbh as our relationship is nowhere near like it used to be. He would never have spoke or swore to me like this.

I just would have liked to be sat on the first row with the rest of

I truly appreciate all your responses even the more harsh ones. I would like to speak to him but know he won’t answer me (I’ve tried)..

This background changed my view entirely - I wasn’t ever saying YABU but thought it might all be without any malice on his part.

Now I’ve read this, I think it’s obvious he’s just being a complete dick, and I’m really sorry this has happened to you Op.

You can’t change it but he is being really unfair to the parent who brought him up.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2023 18:17

What his fiancée said is terrible and I would think unforgivable btw

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:19

@Chunkychips23 "my DM had several strops in the run up and on the day because she wasn’t centre of attention" - in your opinion!!

You see, I don't think it's unreasonable for your mother who gave you life and brought you up, to be able to express her views about her daughter's wedding. Maybe you were a total bridezilla. Certainly sounds like it was your way or the high way.

I struggle to understand why weddings are all about the bride and groom!!! It's a big day for your guests too, particularly your parents, and if a little compromise is needed so that they enjoy their day too, then you shouldn't just stomp your little foot and moan, "but it's MYYYY DAYYYY"!!

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 18:20

Mischance · 25/10/2023 09:35

You need to play the long game here. Do you want to see your grandchildren when they arrive? I think you must go with the flow however hard that feels.

In other words allow them to blackmail you with the prize of access to any of their offspring? They'll probably split up, they seem as unpleasant as each other, and if it's after any children then she'll be weaponising 'her' children against his family.

SerafinasGoose · 25/10/2023 18:22

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 18:06

Buy a fabulous outfit ( not upstaging the bride of course) and keep smiling.

Better still buy a fabulous white outfit and frown on any photos they deign to invite you to be on!

Hell NO! I'm sure the above is only a frivolous suggestion and not meant seriously, but playing into DS's hands won't help the OP and might scupper any chances of reconciliation with him, if not his wife.

I've known of someone who did this. It looks terrible. But the one it reflects upon badly isn't the bride. It will also enable them to tell all the other guests: 'You see? That's why we didn't want her as a witness'.

As to the more general pervasive myth that the son's evil wife doesn't 'let' him see her family, as several PPs upthread are seizing upon, any man with half a backbone isn't going to jump to it, be happy to be told what to do, and obey orders about who he can and cannot see. It's perfectly possible for a mother and son to maintain a relationship without the DiL's input. Mumsnet posters testify to it all the time, saying their DH goes to see his mum and takes the DC, but leaves them well out of it. I'm sure this is the happiest solution for all concerned.

The Grand Gesture at this wedding is down to the son. He's the one sending his mother fractious messages about creating a 'drama', which seems a bit rich given the more recently posted backstory. It seems that on the occasion of his wedding he's choosing, rather than a celebration of his happy union, a chance to score cheap points against his mother.

How sad, and what a wasted opportunity for happiness. For all concerned.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 25/10/2023 18:23

We still don’t know the context in which the fiancé uses the words. If it was said in anger or to hurt then it’s absolutely unacceptable but some people are just dense when it comes to special needs. A woman in my SPD group had someone ask if ‘that’s what we used to call spastic’ and I’ve had well meaning mums ask if my son needs a special diet for his ASD - “You know like diabetics do”.
Of course she could just be a cow and I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt!

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:23

@PassTheNuggetsPlease your post baffles me!!

"But her daughter is an adult too. Why is it 'her' home and not the son's? Perhaps she can't move out but even then. The fiancé is the one who made the remark. It's an overreaction to kick the son out".

No 1 - if this was 3 years ago, then the DD was just 18, while her brother was 27.

No 2 - Her brother's fiancee had upset her with her cruel, vile remark.

No 3 - I am guessing that brother had been cruel in some way to his sister's cat.

Now, who would you kick out???

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:23

EmptyYoghurtPot · 25/10/2023 18:23

We still don’t know the context in which the fiancé uses the words. If it was said in anger or to hurt then it’s absolutely unacceptable but some people are just dense when it comes to special needs. A woman in my SPD group had someone ask if ‘that’s what we used to call spastic’ and I’ve had well meaning mums ask if my son needs a special diet for his ASD - “You know like diabetics do”.
Of course she could just be a cow and I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt!

There is no context that makes this comment in any way acceptable.

Odin2018 · 25/10/2023 18:24

You as mum should always be in the front row. Ex wives and ex husbands in the second if they cant fit.
Your son may be angry as he may have suggested that but was persuaded by his wife to be that there wasn't enough room for everyone and so his mum is relegated to the second row. So to appease the wife to be he agrees, for a quiet life, and therefore gets angry with you for bringing it up as he knows deep down that his mum should be in the front row.

Tell you what, just go. Rewrite your will and put him in the second row after the first 10 people you can think of. After all, it is your money.....

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 18:26

Throughout this long thread I keep being reminded of the Coronation, Anne's hat with a huge red plume and Harry scowling behind her!

Ramalangadingdong · 25/10/2023 18:26

GRex · 25/10/2023 15:47

It's clear why there are a range of issues OP, so starting a naive "why am I on the second row" post was pointless. Throwing your DS out for the STBDIL comment was a strange decision, saying she needed to back off for a few weeks would have been fine, but it is not remotely clear why HE had to leave his home with nowhere to go for a week. Nor why you don't see that you created the rift by that action, and why you can't be in the front row when you won't communicate with STBDIL. The STBDIL was way out of line with her abusive comments, but forgiveness can still be possible, explaining clearly why it's hurtful and working towards a resolution would have been more appropriate, but your DD is being led by you here.

Presumably ds was kicked out because he and dd had beef that was getting out of hand. She couldn’t kick ds out.

Bludyhelltobenutz · 25/10/2023 18:27

I think GladysH is right about your son’s feelings of insecurity. I can relate.

roarrfeckingroar · 25/10/2023 18:28

You're being ridiculous and petty . Why does it matter so muchv?!

JustAMinutePleass · 25/10/2023 18:29

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 22:47

Hello thank you for over 600 responses. I am unable to reply to over 600 comments … however, I am not sure if I should add some background but here goes.

My son met his fiancée three years ago they get married very soon. Everything was fine and we all got on. He doesn’t have much to do with his half siblings as they are considerably younger 8/9 years than him, however, if in at same time then the occasional Chinese takeaway.

The main rift started when his half sister overheard his fiancée call her an “autistic spastic” as did my husband and his half brother. He also was mean to my daughter’s cat … but apologised. Both apologised for the terrible remark but my daughter could not just forgive and forget. It made it very uncomfortable and for the sake of my daughter I asked my first eldest son to move out earlier than his house was ready. (It was ready in seven days).

My son has never really forgiven me I don’t think for asking him to leave early… he has always lived with me From birth up to 7 years with his dad then I left his dad ,then in rented with me then when I met my new husband. He was ten when we got married. He is now turned 31. We did meet up all of us for a meal and everyone was civil but his fiancée bombarded my daughter with friend requests which she didn’t want to accept. She just wanted to keep it polite and civil. My eldest son wanted me to try and make my daughter accept the requests and just move on and forget it. My daughter couldn’t and at the age of 21 at that time and an adult it was her decision.
His fiancée around nine months ago decided she doesn’t want to see or talk to me as it so I’ve had no involvement in the wedding, whatsoever apart from paying for his tailor made suit and accessories. I last spoke to his fiancée ten months ago when we went to collect the suit. Because I couldn’t persuade the two siblings to be her buddies I seem to now be the one she blames.
My eldest son the groom to be I meet up with every few weeks but there has been a lot of tension and messages back and forth over the last few years about the situation. My daughter, son and husband are so upset how he treats me and speaks to me that they were only going to his wedding to support me and his grandad and my brother who has learning difficulties.

I have not seen his dad or partner/ girlfriend in over ten years. It was not amicable when I left his dad however we are both a lot older and I am sure his dad and partner would be civil with us as we would with them. That would not be problem even though I think my son thinks it would!

I honestly have nothing against his dad or his partner, she has been in his life a considerable time but never married. My son gets on with her but doesn’t see either of them a great deal so it has come as a shock to me that she is on the first row.

When I meet up with my son to catch up and buy him lunch (usually every six weeks or so) I always invite her but she never wants to come with him. Me and my son get on okay but it’s not the same as it was prior to him moving out we were very close and discussed everything. I just feel he resents me somewhat as I couldn’t alter his siblings opinion of his fiancée. I feel really torn tbh as our relationship is nowhere near like it used to be. He would never have spoke or swore to me like this.

I just would have liked to be sat on the first row with the rest of

I truly appreciate all your responses even the more harsh ones. I would like to speak to him but know he won’t answer me (I’ve tried)..

I think based on this post this marriage isn’t going to last & eventually your DS will need you. Go to the wedding and any events he wants you to go to, but don’t bother getting involved in their drama. Just go in (and leave) as a wedding guest.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 25/10/2023 18:30

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 18:26

Throughout this long thread I keep being reminded of the Coronation, Anne's hat with a huge red plume and Harry scowling behind her!

Not to mention Uncle Nonce shoved up the corner! Totally off topic but my cousin was at the Coronation but so far in the back that he only saw Ant n Dec 😂

InSpainTheRain · 25/10/2023 18:33

I understand why you are upset - but you can't all sit on the front row, and when families have split and new relationships are formed it is difficult. You could end up with you ex and whilst you may "win" by getting on the front row, you are then with you ex not your dad. All seems a bit silly! I'd go, enjoy the day as much as possible and wouldn't worry about the row.

Buffs · 25/10/2023 18:34

I am afraid you are going to have to be the bigger person here. Of course you have to go and I strongly suggest you go with a big smile. Buy yourself a fabulous outfit.

JustAMinutePleass · 25/10/2023 18:34

Ultimately, OP, you don’t lose out. There will be other family weddings for you where you will get pride of place as mum on the first row. If anyone’s lost out it’s your son - he’s the one settling for his Dad’s gf in the front row / as a witness because he’s too much of a wimp to protect you against his gf’s shit. Ultimately everything here is HIS problem. Not yours. You have 2 other children who won’t do this to you.

Mumto1boyo · 25/10/2023 18:35

Sounds like fiancee has your son right by the bollocks. She sounds like a nasty cunt. Hopefully he sees sense too.

WanderlyWagonInWales · 25/10/2023 18:37

If you would really prefer to miss your son’s wedding over a seating plan then go ahead. It’s THEIR day, not yours. Swallow your pride, put on a smile and show up for your son. It’s not all about you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.