Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

You may say and think ‘respect for elders and those who gave us life is an ingrained value in many cultures’ yet every day there is a post on here complaining about mothers or MIL’s, or going NC or LC due to their behaviours. Just look at the stately homes thread.

Others guests may take notice but majority will probably not care. Not everyone is that judgemental. And who knows what the bridge and groom may have already told other guests going by the OP’s new post.

You do realise it is not your wedding? this is coming across as the biggest thing in your life, seriously?

If you carried like this to me you would not be coming at all good grief

She will know. Stop nullifying her feelings. She is allowed to be hurt. However I think she has to take the high ground here & suck it up for the sake of her future relationship with her son.

I would not be happy to be sitting behind his father's girlfriend. Not in the slightest.

When my husband's mum died, we were on the second row at the funeral.
He was an only child and his mum's world.
His stepdad (his mum's husband) sat on the front row with his own son/DIL and granddaughter.
This was contentious only because his mum hadn't spoken to her husband's son for years. They hated each other's guts and she'd have turned in her grave.
At the end of the day, a funeral is for the living and her husband was also grieving.
We had enough on and so seating was the least of our issues.
You want to see your son get married, so do that. Hold your head up high and take the higher ground xx

Exactly what do you gain by posting such a nasty post?
Some people on here need to take a good long look at themselves.
It's really not a good look.

Yes I totally agree it’s hurtful and I too would be upset (devastated) But it is for a very short time and as we all know Wedding’s are stressful. Is it worth losing your relationship with your son ? The wedding is one day. Smile and enjoy seeing your son marry. If you don’t go you can never change that. I have had 2 children marry and I very quickly learnt to say - that’s lovely darling- and take deep breath’s I have another child’s wedding in the near future and will do exactly the same. It’s not my wedding and I will do my upmost to support them because I am their mother. No one can take your place as your son’s mother - it doesn’t matter where you sit. Please think hard before making any decisions you might regret. X

People aren't all the same so what your grandmother needed has no bearing on what the OPs father needs. My husband is tall and in considerable pain due to disability and legroom is an issue for him.

So your not actually that close and he holds a huge grudge because you kicked him out early because his fiancée said something horrible, plus he said something mean about a cat. Fiancée has maybe tried to make good with the friending, but obviously Dd and Ds are not interested. Fair enough there again what she said was terrible. She’s decided eugh fuck it I tried fuck em and is now Nc.

So rather than the whole poor me in the first post it boils down to son I kicked out and made homeless 7 days before his new home was ready, who only meets up with me if I buy him lunch every 6 weeks doesn’t want me on the front row. Shocked face.

It should have been clear to see it coming tbh.

Possibly the role has been bought for her with a contribution to the cost of the wedding. There's often money at the bottom of it when these unsual decisions are made.

Having read OPs update i stick by my original suggestion of saying no more about it, turning up on the day and do the polite smiles and so on and then leave as soon as it feels uncomfortable.

Don't rise to any sleights, perceived or real, and don't get into any hissed slanging matches (or any other type of slanging match)

Then wish your son and his new wife well, and sit back and wait to hear from them.

Astonished that people are so focused on perceived "status" and link it to something as inane as where you're sat for 20 minutes. Of course I'm aware that there are some who like to read all sort of gossipy shit into social minutiae but didn't imagine it was so common. Grow up! It just sounds like primary school classroom politics. Never heard anything so petty as throwing a dramatic fit about having to look at another woman's hat.

On top of that there's a massive drip feed about what sounds like a serious rift between the OP and her son/his fiancee in any case. Personally I don't expect star treatment - if a seating plan even counts as that - from someone I've had a serious rift with.

I don't know whether the fiancee is as awful as the drip feed suggests, or if she just said an awful thing once that she regrets, but if the former I'd not want to be heavily involved with her wedding anyway.

Given the background it’s playing into their hands to say anything at all. I would advise you just to attend the wedding, act in a dignified way and give them nothing to complain about. I’m sorry you are caught up in the rift between your son and his fiancé and your other children. What was said was nasty and you can’t force your daughter to accept an apology. If your son tries to involve you again I would tell him that your daughter is an adult now and you can’t control her response to things so you don’t want to hear about it again. If you want to keep contact with him don’t criticise his wife, say nothing.

Given OP's update the seating arrangements seem inconsequential: it's much the smallest in a whole raft of problems. I do know that I'd never consider asking a stepmother, no matter how positive my relationship with her, to be a formal witness to my marriage ahead of my own mum. It's clearly an intentional snub.

As to the son's fiancée, had the original post mentioned that she and OP were already NC the responses to this thread might have taken a very different tone. It seems impossible to conceive of someone making such a hideously ignorant and hurtful comment as 'autistic spastic' in this day and age - one would think people know better than that by now - but if she did, she's a horror. And if DS is endorsing this by supporting her, so is he. OP, your attitude of allowing your DD herself to decide whether she's willing to overlook such behaviour was the right call, and I do not blame your daughter in the least for her refusal. This certainly falls under the category of unforgivable.

But it's your son who endorses these wedding arrangements and he is the one who sent you nasty messages. The responsibility for this is all on him.

You're being punished for daring to take a stand against their behaviour toward your other child. And to punish his grandfather at the same time: what has he done wrong?

If you don't want this breach to be insurmountable, unfortunately you'll have to plaster a smile of your face, go to the wedding, and behave with grace. But you're wholly justified in being very disappointed in your son.

The way the son is behaving is absolutely disgraceful.

I know lots of people always like to blame a woman for a man’s behaviour but there really isn’t any way to here.

@PassTheNuggetsPlease I’m assuming the son wasn’t living on the streets for those 7 days.

I’m not sure I would want to marry someone who saw my sister in that light, doesn't matter that she apologised. That is awful language

@kittykitten
where did your son go to when you basically made him homeless for a week? If he stayed with his dad and the gf then that could explain why she has been asked to be a witness?

It is not OPs place to accept an apology on behalf of her adult daughter. And it is not up to OP to make her adult live in a house with someone who seems to think what his fiancée said is ok as long as she says "soz, lols" afterwards

Again: i think the only way out of this with anyone's dignity intact is to take the higher ground, and see how it all falls into place afterwards.

If the remarks are unforgivable it doesn't really matter if they apologised does it.

It is - but was it a one off? What exactly was being said? Was it just a phrase used in anger and she's been fine the rest of the time? Does she really think that?
We all say things we don't mean at times. I have ADHD and DH has autism if someone was otherwise ok to me I would not cut them off for one comment. Of course if that's what they really think of me then yes.

The other thing is OP's son has made his choice. If the family decide that his wife-to-be is not acceptable and for that reason, they want to ostracize the son - there's nothing more to be said is there?

They're lucky they even got a wedding invite at this rate. If they've all decided this is unacceptable they can't be so surprised that they've been snubbed.

The real world isn't so black and white. It's not social media where people get cancelled for comments.

I didn't go to siblings wedding due to a slap in the face to me, not quite the same as OPs situation but was very hurtful. I can't say I was heartbroken when they divorced and was glad I didn't waste a day of my life.

So 7 days living with dad are more than the 28 years he lived with mum. I’m assuming the apple didn’t fall far from the tree where your son and your ex are concerned.

She also didn’t kick him out for some silly reason, that was an awful attitude from the fiancée, and she may have apologised but doesn’t mean she still doesn’t think it.

I would hold my head high at the wedding (accept that you will probably be downgraded for the seating plan at the reception too), and then leave when you want to with your dignity in tact. Your son and his fiancée have no dignity at all

Yeah I've had worse arguments than that with my mum (although neither of us has ever managed to accidentally call someone an autistic spastic). She still got a front row seat at my wedding. Because she's my mum.

I was invited to my partner’s son’s wedding.

I made sure that I wasn't seated in front of the mother of the groom. My partner was sensitive to that too.

( in reality it didn't work, mother of the groom was stuck in traffic and the wedding started without her….)