Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

You are not automatically entitled to respect because you are someone’s parent or grandparent. OP’s son has made the decision of who sits where. We don’t know his reasons, they could be completely understandable and reasonable. She is still going to have a great view and be part of a brilliant day. Its not her wedding day.

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor

err you’re wrong

growing someone in your body for 9 months then pushing them out your vagina (or having them cut out of you, whichever both equally awful) absolutely DOES entitle OP to a front row seat at said persons wedding, FFS!

whyyyy so much internalised misogyny?!

@Sayitaintso33

come off it, we all know fathers are not held up the same standard and expectations as mothers.

You said arranging seating is horrible and I pointed out there was nothing horrible about allocating a seat on the front row to his mother. I mean the agony of deciding if you should give a seat to your mother or your best man's girlfriend. That's a real tough dilemma.

Hello thank you for over 600 responses. I am unable to reply to over 600 comments … however, I am not sure if I should add some background but here goes.

My son met his fiancée three years ago they get married very soon. Everything was fine and we all got on. He doesn’t have much to do with his half siblings as they are considerably younger 8/9 years than him, however, if in at same time then the occasional Chinese takeaway.

The main rift started when his half sister overheard his fiancée call her an “autistic spastic” as did my husband and his half brother. He also was mean to my daughter’s cat … but apologised. Both apologised for the terrible remark but my daughter could not just forgive and forget. It made it very uncomfortable and for the sake of my daughter I asked my first eldest son to move out earlier than his house was ready. (It was ready in seven days).

My son has never really forgiven me I don’t think for asking him to leave early… he has always lived with me From birth up to 7 years with his dad then I left his dad ,then in rented with me then when I met my new husband. He was ten when we got married. He is now turned 31. We did meet up all of us for a meal and everyone was civil but his fiancée bombarded my daughter with friend requests which she didn’t want to accept. She just wanted to keep it polite and civil. My eldest son wanted me to try and make my daughter accept the requests and just move on and forget it. My daughter couldn’t and at the age of 21 at that time and an adult it was her decision.
His fiancée around nine months ago decided she doesn’t want to see or talk to me as it so I’ve had no involvement in the wedding, whatsoever apart from paying for his tailor made suit and accessories. I last spoke to his fiancée ten months ago when we went to collect the suit. Because I couldn’t persuade the two siblings to be her buddies I seem to now be the one she blames.
My eldest son the groom to be I meet up with every few weeks but there has been a lot of tension and messages back and forth over the last few years about the situation. My daughter, son and husband are so upset how he treats me and speaks to me that they were only going to his wedding to support me and his grandad and my brother who has learning difficulties.

I have not seen his dad or partner/ girlfriend in over ten years. It was not amicable when I left his dad however we are both a lot older and I am sure his dad and partner would be civil with us as we would with them. That would not be problem even though I think my son thinks it would!

I honestly have nothing against his dad or his partner, she has been in his life a considerable time but never married. My son gets on with her but doesn’t see either of them a great deal so it has come as a shock to me that she is on the first row.

When I meet up with my son to catch up and buy him lunch (usually every six weeks or so) I always invite her but she never wants to come with him. Me and my son get on okay but it’s not the same as it was prior to him moving out we were very close and discussed everything. I just feel he resents me somewhat as I couldn’t alter his siblings opinion of his fiancée. I feel really torn tbh as our relationship is nowhere near like it used to be. He would never have spoke or swore to me like this.

I just would have liked to be sat on the first row with the rest of

I truly appreciate all your responses even the more harsh ones. I would like to speak to him but know he won’t answer me (I’ve tried)..

In which case I would go and sit on the second row, and never mention the fact that I thought I should be at the front because I think that would give his fiancée satisfaction.

Given her behaviour, it's very likely the marriage won't last and then I'm sure he'll come back to you.

In the meantime, I would just stay civil with him, talk about day-to-day things but never say anything that could be repeated to her and blown up in your face.

It's a really horrible situation. There is no doubt that it's not that they want his dad at the front, they are punishing you by putting you in the second row. If you just act like you don't care about where you sit then you will survive the day!

Extremely hurtful. I'd feel the same and would be devastated at the thought of being second fiddle to a GF of ex husband when you've brought your son up and provided for him. Is your ex a bully and talked his way into getting what he wants. Sorry OP I think leave it til nearer time and take your son out alone and casually ask if you've done something to upset them as you feel really hurt.

It’s got fuck all to do with misogyny.

There was always going to be much more to the story than the OP originally stated otherwise why would her son have his dad’s gf as a witness etc and voila a new lengthy post from the OP drip feeding what sounds like a cunty moment of the highest order from the fiancée.

I stand by what I said. Being a parent or a grandparent does not mean you are entitled to having a front row seat or involvement to whatever milestone they have in their life, it is an honour not a right in my opinion.

From how you describe things it’s possible the fiancée has influenced the seating choice and the worst thing you could do is to not go to the wedding over it or kick up a fuss as she might be happy to distance you from your son.

I mean, it was quite the drip feed but if the OP's account is what actually happened it sounds like this is actually a deliberate snub, and it has arisen out of a row that was not the OP's fault.

The "autistic spastic" comment was horrendous. Of all the reasons why the OP and her other children might feel awkward about attending this wedding, being seated in the second row seems like the least significant.

I think in the OP's shoes I'd still go to my son's wedding and I'd always want to keep trying to have a relationship with him, and yes, I'd feel hurt about being relegated to the second row, but I'd feel most upset about the fact that he is marrying this woman in the first place.

Well, most people disagree with you. Respect for elders and those who gave us life is an ingrained value in many cultures.

Snubbing one's own mother is a social breech ad well as a relationship killer. It makes things awkward for one's other guests, many of whom WILL notice and think ill of the bride and groom.

@thisismynewnamefornow

if you can’t see that it’s misogyny then you must have a serious case of internalised misogyny. Do you really seriously think people should not revere and respect their mothers enough to give them front row seating at their wedding?! The mind boggles.

Well, given your update, OP, i think none of you should attend. He's chosen to cast his lot in with some truly vile people.

Let him crack on alone. He'll be back when the marriage inevitably fails, but you need not be a doormat in the meantime.

Sorry this is happening. 💐

I understand why you would be hurt but there is definitely more to this.
you cannot possibly have the healthy loving relationship with him you think you do. Because if you did, it wouldn’t occur to him to not have you front and centre.
He has cut contact with you until the wedding, communication before that was only by message, you are not wanted on the front row... he is setting some clear boundaries with you… intrigued as to why he feels he has to maybe it’s because you are the type of Mother who feels too hurt to possibly attend! That thought should never have been entered your brain. That is a selfish and toxic move and will likely cement the end of your relationship with him.
you are the parent, suck it up, apologise for even causing a stir, tell him you love him, offer to help, get yourself excited and do better.

I give it six months, OP.

As I suspected the asking about leg room for OP’s dad was a ploy to manipulate. There was an agenda. Like who asks for leg room? A special chair or other of course, but leg room us an excuse to angle a situation for personal gain. Nonsensical.

OP this is a really shitty situation. But threatening to not attend your sons wedding or not attending at all will end any hope of a relationship with him for ever. By threatening it, it’s blatant manipulation and it won’t ever end well for you.

Given your history, go to the wedding, perhaps leave your daughters at home (as they aren’t there for the right reasons based on your update). Maintain the relationship and do the right thing. Let the seating go for your sanity.

I suspect you’re also worried about what others will think of you being relegated to the second row. Are you? If so you need to rise above that and realise people
probably assume that’s just the way it landed in the day due to your ex arriving first for example. Nobody will notice really other than you. So let other opinions stress go.

Go to the wedding. Do the right thing, leave your expectations in bed that morning and make the best of the day.

Good luck

I mean, anyone who is experiencing severe joint issues.

My DH can't sit in standard seats ATM because of his hips (he's 35). He just can't get in or out.

It's really not a wild thing to ask about accessibility.

I would be hurt and heartbroken by this op. Sorry, but your son and his fiancé sound like a nasty pieces of work.

In your position I’d be dignified on the day and rise above it. Sit where you are asked and keep your counsel.

But then I would be very cool with the pair of them afterwards now that you know where their loyalties lie. Shouting down the phone and calling me names would mean that the boundaries with my son going forward would be very, very robust and clear.

Leg room is not accessibility. Personally I’ve never been to a wedding where I have ever heard of leg room being a concern. It’s not a Ryan Air flight, it’s a wedding! I’m sure there is plenty of room for ones legs.

there was no request for a special seat/chair from the OP. That would make much more sense. Leg room….. nah! A red flag that there was more to this than meets the eye.

I’m all for people’s comfort, my own grandmother was older than this at my wedding and I took special care of her, but leg room was never an issue. Hard seats and being cold more so!

Ah fuck MN. Sorry, the thread wasn't loading properly on the app! I still stand by the leg room thing not being abnormal but with OPs updates, its less relevant

Tbf, as a former wedding manager for over 20 years, leg room certainly does matter. Without pews, venues will often overstate how many guests can be seated which means there is less leg room than there should be which is a massive barrier for many. I've seen so many setups with unacceptable spacing between chairs because staff have been trying to fit as many as possible in, its ridiculous.

Well, your DH and daughter are being great in all this. Sadly, your second row seat does sound like you’re literally second rank. Your son is stuck between a few people but lacks the spine to do the right thing.

I’m sorry for you. This so isn’t about you. He’s told you what he thinks, what his stance is and priorities are. There’s nothing you can do. Sad. I’d go, sit in the second row. What else can you do.

Me too.

I can see how that could happen with squashing in seats. But can the groom know that this is the case before the wedding? Would a couple ever be informed that the guests are going to be squashed in like sardines without leg room?

Can he do much else other than assume there is enough room without assuming extra leg room will need to be provided? If it does, troubleshoot there and then, such as place the person at the end of an aisle maybe? Or if their individual seats move one back and explain to the person behind?

It’s not something you raise with your son whom you already have a strained relationship with, so you can try and get in the front seat!!!!

(my mother would pull something like this, so I can spot the type of manipulation a mile away!)

Yeah generally.

When you go visit a venue 9/10 it's 'set' for a wedding which gives you an idea of seating plus the venue has capacity. If you're at the top end of capacity after viewing the venue you can tell if the seats will be squashed in or well spaced out.
I mean, most venues will fill up the space with the right number of chairs if you know what I mean. Fewer chairs = more space.

Often brides and grooms are told about this and advised on the best place to seat those with accessibility requirements and the venue know to make sure that this space is appropriate for such and such. Especially for weddings at the top end of their capacity.

Tbf, this should be something the son cares about (since he's invited him) so he should be the one who enquires about spacing etc.