Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Well the thing is OP's son is still her son. Regardless of what his Fiancée (that's another thing not him) said. I don't know what 'mean to cat' even means so I'm ignoring that. OP's reaction was to kick him out. Thus she has explicitly made a choice.
It's not quite true to say that she's being 'blamed' for her daughter's refusal to accept an apology she made a clear choice.

The only other thing the son could have done other than aplogise is dump the fiancée. But he's now marrying her. So if the whole family don't like her then attending this wedding is a farce really. They're not celebrating the marriage are they? Are they happy for the couple?

It looks like a no to me. So actually. Why are they even bothering to attend?

They should all stay home really , like they actually want to. That should do it. No need for fake politeness and smiles. And they have the potential to cause an awkward atmospher

I think it's a bit of an overreach to suggest that you should not attend someone's wedding if you don't like the person they are marrying. Your love for your child shouldn't be conditional upon them marrying someone who meets with your approval. As for kicking her son out, it was only for 7 days and he was nearly 30. Presumably he just went to stay with his girlfriend for that week? To me it doesn't seem a disproportionate reaction to what had happened. Her daughter had the right to feel safe and comfortable in her own home.

YANBU OP. How hurtful, they have done this out of pure spite, plain and simple. To sit you behind his dads girlfriend is just gross.
Go to the wedding, hope your head high and keep your dignity. This marriage won’t last. 💐

But her daughter is an adult too. Why is it 'her' home and not the son's? Perhaps she can't move out but even then. The fiancé is the one who made the remark. It's an overreaction to kick the son out.

If the son was 15 and his 15 yo GF made the remark would you kick him out? If the answer is no there then it should be no here. The gravity of the remark and the punishment doesn't hinge on whether son has elsewhere to go to.

If the son was 15, bullying his sister, being violent towards his mother etc yes absolutely and we've seen some threads on here sadly with that
But a remark? That , wait for it, HE did not make?

Again, what could be have done differently that prevented him being kicked out. If he could have done nothing other than apologize or break up with the Fiancée then he kicked out for something that was not his fault. If his mother disapproved of fiancé enough to kick him out why suddenly discussing 'inconditojnal love' for the wedding if she loved him she wouldn't kick him out. For SEVEN days for crying out loud.

Perhaps this is about the cat. I can't comment there as I don't know what that's all about.

But for the remark. Completely disproportionate.

OP - if you want to make a little protest scene - why don't you and your group arrive a little late and just sit at the back and be generally disruptive - coughing etc ??

And that's a surefire way to ensure that the son goes NC with his family.

@PassTheNuggetsPlease I assume with 7 days to go before official moving in day he would be pretty much ready to go. In late 20/30s he would have somewhere he could stay for those 7 days, he’s an adult he can fend for himself, a 15yo not so much.

Therefore, I would treat an adult (and not a young adult at that) differently to a 15yo.

No-one in their 20/30s should be using language like that. It is not in common parlance anymore (not like when I was a child) it is an extremely offensive word.

I would want to protect someone in my household from hearing that language.

But the son didn’t make the comment. Ban the fiancé from the house by all means but no one is responsible for the words another adult uses.

There is the issue of the cat though. Maybe that was the last straw.

It all makes sense with your update, OP. Very difficult situation for you and your kids. Honestly, I would go along with things as they are, do your best for your son's big day and try to maintain and perhaps improve all relationships - that doesn't mean you're in any way unreasonable for your reaction. Without wishing the couple ill, the marriage may not last forever. It's important to be there so you can continue your relationship with your son.

@kittykitten you asked your DS to leave the house for a horrific remark but it didn't come out of his mouth. From his point of view you chose your "newer" family over him. Regardless of him being an adult that's probably a big catalyst in the relationship breakdown. I fully get you were stuck in the middle etc but if that's his perspective then you need to talk it through.

Your future DIL doesn't sound like a nice person at all and I agree it's not for you to force your DD to accept a friend request. It does sound like your DIL was trying for an olive branch however and although what she said is horrific it sounds like you all need to sit down calmly and discuss it through (after the wedding!) It would be a case of requesting your DD to be civil towards her (including in body language).

Don't focus on the 2nd row thing focus on repairing the family relationship

Agree with this.

You need to play the long game here. Do you want to see your grandchildren when they arrive? I think you must go with the flow however hard that feels.

What makes you think she'll get to see them even if she goes to the wedding? I can't imagine a DIL who uses language like that and then blamed her MIL for not making an adult forgive her will let her have a relationship with GC. If she's happy for MIL to be treated like this for the wedding I'm sure she will love using her children as weapons to punish.

He sounds like a prat.
And yes he is disrespecting you.
Sorry yanbu

Actually I do think their ages are relevant.

If the son had been 15 he would still have been the OP's legal responsibility. He also would not have had the ability to, say, rent an Airbnb for a week. And he would also not have been moving into a rented property a week later. If you kick your 15 year old out, then unless they can go and live with their other parent, they are a homeless minor.

Kicking your 28 year old son out a week before he is due to move out anyway is a completely different situation. If you are living with your mother at the age of 28 it is on the understanding that you do not need to be there, you are only there with your mother's permission because she is no longer legally responsible to provide for you, and that if you don't like her terms, which may include not permitting your younger sister to be called an "autistic spastic" in her own home, you can move out.

Exactly. @MargotBamborough how exactly did you expect him to stop his fiancée from saying whatever she did? Put her hand over his mouth? Yell at her? Do we even know that he didn't tell her off?

And PP like @SerafinasGoose stating that the DS is 'supporting' his fiancée. If he had done that he wouldn't have made her apologize.

You're all skirting around the fact that once she had said it. He had done all he could. Yet he was punished by being kicked out ( when he didn't say anything) because his half sister 'felt uncomfortable'

I'm sure you will rail at me about autism etc etc but I am myself neurodiverse married to the same - so you can't claim that I'm 'ableist' 😂

I'm really interested to hear what exactly he said or did to the cat now.

Also @MargotBamborough even though the son was 31. Did you miss that he had always lived with the OP. From birth.
He wasn't just some fledgeling staying there temporarily.
It was his home.
That must've hurt.

Regardless of whatever we think
Op has made her bed. She should lie in it.

So your 'D'S expected you to influence his adult half-sister to accept a friend request from his fiancée, who insulted her? How can he not see that you shouldn't be asked to interfere; it's absolutely none of your business who your adult daughter is friends with. He should never have asked this of you in the first place. His half-sister has a mind of her own and quite frankly, I can't blame her not accepting the friend request from the fiancée!

Since when do the feelings of the future DiL come before your own daughter's? You absolutely did the right thing in not interfering or asking your daughter to accept the friend request to 'keep the peace'; by doing that the bully wins every time.

You asked your DS to leave and he did so; you didn't kick him out, he's 31 for god sake and was moving out anyway! Don't feel any guilt about that. Your son has 'backed' his fiancée in this issue and has probably been told the seating plan by the fiancée because she absolutely knows it would upset you. She doesn't sound a very nice person tbh and it sounds like your son is in good company given his latest behaviour.

He could have just accepted that his girlfriend had really hurt his sister, that it was going to take time to repair the damage and that his sister needed some space from them both. He could have just moved out a week early without making a big fuss or falling out with his mother over it.

The fact that he and his girlfriend both apologised for the "autistic spastic" comment but were apparently outraged that the OP asked him to leave the house a week early, have held a grudge about this for the last three years and are still trying to punish the OP for sticking up for her daughter with their wedding seating arrangements actually suggests to me that they think the OP overreacted and that what the girlfriend said was not actually that bad.

@PassTheNuggetsPlease
Right! As a ND mum with ND child I would be livid about the remark but as a crazy cat lady I’d be just as concerned about what was involved in ‘being mean’ to the cat. Did he pull its tail or drop kick it down the stairs. It sounds like there has been a build up of stuff going on.

Here’s hoping!!
His fiancée is vile. She wants to make friends and because they won’t (rightfully so) she’s probably afraid of it being noticed and coming out the reason why. Your son should have stuck up for his siblings. There’s 8 and 14yrs between my eldest and his 2 youngest siblings who also both happen to be autistic. He maintains a close relationship with them because he puts in the effort as the older sibling to do so.
I’m not keen on his partner tbh, but there’s never been any falling out. I do think it’s affected our relationship though. We have always been extremely close and she doesn’t like/understand that as she isn’t close to her family and she puts divides in imo. That said, if she ever spoke about his siblings like that I’m 95% sure he would end it, he would definitely read the riot act.
Your update makes it seem more like it’s possibly a snub but it may still just be for practical reasons. I hope you and your son recover and you get front row at his next wedding.

In which case the OP can at least console herself with the fact that all she has paid for is her son's suit, which he can wear again.

@MargotBamborough but that's the thing though.
You think they're trying to punish OP for 'sticking up for her daughter'. And that she didn't overreact.
I think she did overreact.
So we will never agree.
Regardless of what she said I don't think kicking someone out of their home where they have lived for three decades is an appropriate reaction. But clearly to you it is.

The daughter shouldn't be pestered with friend requests either but really. There is no coming back from this. If OP hasn't actually said I am fine with you but your sister isn't over if. Maybe the son thinks she's still rejecting him. Maybe he's not trying to punish her but HE thinks SHE is punishing him. Just like she did when she kicked him out

You seem to diminish the sister’s ‘feeling uncomfortable’ @PassTheNuggetsPlease

Use of this language is the same as the’r’ and ‘n’ words in my book. No-one in my house should be using that word and certainly not directed to a member of my family.

If that was my son I would hope that he would not have been supporting the fiancée to be trying to be Facebook friends with his sister. Makes me think he and fiancée apologised not because they realised she shouldn’t have said it but because they felt pressured to, and possibly in their heads it was just banter.

The asking him to move was surely also influenced by the fact he would be moving out soon anyway. If it was early on in their relationship OP may have not have asked him to move out, but I’m guessing his belongings were pretty much packed and ready to go. If he was a decent human being he would understand why OP wanted to protect her daughter (his sister) from language and beliefs like that. I would have been horrified if a partner of mine used language like that, and not sure whether I could forgive it if it was directed to a family member.

And using the term ‘kicking him out’ is very emotive. OP asked him to leave a few days early, he was already in the process of leaving and it’s not like he was a late teen. He is an adult, quite capable of looking after himself