Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

@Sayitaintso33

right?! What a naughty lady! Doesn’t she know her role in life is just put up and shut up, take what you’re given with good grace and a smile on your face and never expect for anything more.

"When they go low - you go high" as the saying goes.

I'd be deeply hurt (and bitter if I'm honest) if this happened to me but I'd try to rise above it and be elegant and gracious on the day. Other guests will notice where you have been placed but they'll see you behaving in a dignified manner. Make it an occasion when everyone sees you at your very best and you'll know that taking the higher path was the right thing for you.

Don't drink more than a few sips of alcohol at the wedding in case it loosens your tongue but you could leave early evening with your elderly father and go home to a bottle of wine. You might want to punch a few cushions too.

Why is Dads gf also a witness? We had our two mothers are our witnesses. I don’t understand why she is taking such a large role and you aren’t? Is there some odd drip feed coming?

I can understand why you are upset. We don’t have a lot of context. Reading between the lines here, but the fact that his dad’s GF is witness, suggests that he is very close to his dad and his dad’s partner?

ultimately, it is his choice. I think you have more to lose, than gain in this situation of communicating your expectations versus the reality.

He’s not following proper etiquette which dictates parents should sit on the front row.

Not once said it wouldn’t be difficult, I pointed out people could sit further back - I even said it was hurtful!

It’s possible your son didn’t realise sitting in the front row was important so pleased don’t fall out with him.

With things like this i would love to hear his side of the story.

Yes, there must be a reason why Dad’s gf is a witness.

Definitely weird and upsetting.

Bridesmaids and groomsmen have been stood at any wedding I have been at. Witnesses can be at the end of a row

Well he’s not following what Debrett’s would suggest. Most people would find it incredibly upsetting his dad’s girlfriend sitting in front of his actual mum.

The only thing I can think of is that his fiancé despises you and is influencing his behavior toward you and plopping you in the second row right behind his father’s girlfriend.

If so, either you were not welcoming to her when they got together, or she is a bitch.

Always the woman's fault. And a nasty misogynistic pejorative thrown in as well, for good measure.

Delightful.

Yes I can see how that is hurtful.

But you need to swallow your pride and sit down in the second row. It's his day. Please don't make him enjoy it any less.

Try to enjoy it yourself. I am sure it will be fine.

Is this what it is to be a mother? Be quiet, suck it up, put on a smile no matter how much your children insult and hurt you, forget your pride, let your children speak abusively to you...

As a previous poster said, this is internalised misogyny.

it would be if fathers didn't have to do the same things.

I am defending the mother, who is a woman. She raised her son and he lived with her for 28 years until he moved out and it is only three years later. He was very close to her up until then. Something is wrong, clearly.

A person is not automatically good or bad based on his or her sex. Educate yourself on basic ethics instead of parroting empty and false accusations.

Rock it like it was totally your decision all along...

"Oh, I know I SHOULD have been in the front row but exH has AWFUL eyesight and DGrandma had such BAD hearing I really thought I ought to let them sit in the front as DStepGC are so renowned for playing up and it would be better for them being at the front for dealing with it..."

When your DS and new DIL do the "walk out" manoeuvre yourself and your newDH to be the first couple to walk behind them / be beside them in any receiving line.

Tissues and the words, "lovely service. The bride looked beautiful" on repeat.

Then get shitfaced on G&T.

What do you think should give that entitlement if not bringing someone up? Parents and grandparents as elders of the family are completely entitled to respect.

😂 I kind of like this idea 🥳

No parent has to do any of those things! It’s one thing with toddlers, entirely different with adult children.

I actually think DH and I are better parents for not tolerating that sort of rubbish. It’s not in our DCs’ best interests to allow them to behave this way, let alone ours.

Or to put this advice more simply - cut off your nose to spite your face.

I always thought etiquette in this situation was both parents presenting a united front on the day with current partners taking a back seat. It’s certainly what’s happened at our family weddings.

Yanbu, and after his nasty messages no wonder you are feeling hurt.

What rubbish is this??

It’s his day? It’s a registry office wedding. He’s hardly being anointed a living saint by the Pope. Does getting married at 12.30am obviate your need to be a decent human being? Does it allow you to be a boorish, selfish, spineless, thoughtless child?

Please don’t make him enjoy it less??? I don’t even know where to begin with this. Does he need to insult/humiliate his mother in order to enjoy his day? Does mother not standing for being insulted/humiliated make son unhappy? Is son so tied to his mother that she can control his emotions over messenger? If so, why is she being relegated to sitting behind her ex-hsuband’s gf, stating at the back of her head and potentially hat rather than at the child she herself raised?

What utter tripe. I despair of how little some women think of themselves, and how much they think of humans who happen to be male.

@MysteryBelle

A person is not automatically good or bad based on his or her sex. Educate yourself on basic ethics instead of parroting empty and false accusations.

You have no idea about the future DiL in this scenario as the OP hasn't mentioned her. The rest is entirely speculative on your part.

An oft-recurring scenario on more MN threads than you can count is that when a relationship sours between a mother and a son, the son's partner is frequently blamed. As in the example above, this is as often with absolutely zero basis. Perhaps an honest appraisal of that situation would be easier than simply blaming the nearest available female.

What is this accusation of mine you refer to, specifically? OP wasn't blaming her future DiL. You were. Incidentally, I am not the one referring to other women as 'bitches'.