Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

I'd go the actual wedding then leave tbh

And this bullshit is why couples choose to get married on a beach somewhere, just them.

Was her dad's girlfriend sat in front of you, maybe she was one of the bridesmaids? It isn't the same situation is it.

We had really small rows at our wedding

Anyone else read this as rows ie arguments, rather than rows ie lines of chairs. 🤣🤣🤣

This is mind-boggling to me.

Esp with dad's girlfriend in the front row.
Why on earth will she be signing the register??

He chose to live with her till he was 28, so around eight years longer than most young men. I don't imagine the OP held him prisoner.

I'm amazed that on a website marketed to mothers, a story of a mother being treated with such lack of respect and sensitivity attracts such judgmental attention. She gave birth to him, she was the parent he stayed with till he was 28. And he's relegated her to the second row, behind his DF's girlfriend. And none of you seem to see how insulting that is — and that's before the son is abusive towards her.

Of course it's hurtful OP. It's far less than you would be entitled to expect from a son with whom you've always had a good relationship. And far less respect than you deserve as his mother.
But then, I'm not from the school of thought that says however our sons treat us, we must humbly bow in gratitude that they've deigned to acknowledge us at all, like some on here seem to be. So perhaps I'm biased.
If it were my DS I'd have raised it with him too.
Unfortunately now you have and he's doubled down, you don't really have anywhere else to go, so in the interests of harmony for his wedding, I'd feel there was no option but to accept it gracefully.

Should she rise above his vile, disrespectful messages, too?

But then, I'm not from the school of thought that says however our sons treat us, we must humbly bow in gratitude that they've deigned to acknowledge us at all, like some on here seem to be.

Right? I'm particularly enjoying the refrain that if she doesn't keep quiet that she might hurt their relationship - with no acknowledgement that he has hurt their relationship by having such an apathetic disregard for her feelings.

Posters seem to think that mothers will just beg for crumbs. I wonder if these are the same posters who bemoan the lack of 'family support' down the line?

He’s treating his Mum with a huge lack of respect. I imagine Dad’s paying for the wedding which is why his regular shag is on the front row & signing the register? Go to the wedding OP but don’t go the extra mile - your son is an absolute shit.

I think that your priority should be pushing for a comfortable spot for your father, although this doesn't need to be on the front row. Weddings are really stressful to organise and I suspect that he hadn't given it a huge amount of thought, but now that he has worked out a seating plan, you should stick to it. It's not about who he loves the most or etiquette. If you say that you used to be so close, then pushing this issue won't help that. I would back off and stop focusing on his father's gf.

He’s putting two people who are part of the ceremony in the front row for easy access, it’s obvious he has a big family numbers wise so someone is going to be upset somewhere.

This is why people elope. It’s him and his wife to be’s choice who sits where. They can’t keep everybody happy and someone would be pissed off somewhere. OP will still have a great view and she is still part of the wedding party and part of his day. Sitting a few inches behind is not that big of a deal in the long run

This is hurtful op but please still go to the wedding. It’s not your day, it’s theirs and they will be so torn over what to do.

Arranging seating is horrible, especially if a family is split. At my wedding I had my parents, siblings and bridesmaids up front. I couldn’t allowed for grandparents and uncles/ aunts etc. I don’t think aunts and uncles need to be there so your brother could easily sit a few rows back. I think the best man’s wife and child could easily sit a few seats back too, unless they have a part in the wedding.

I wasn’t a part of my brothers wedding, didn’t even get to sit in the second row and I was massively hurt but I needed to remind myself that it wasn’t my day and I was still getting to celebrate with them.

Don’t argue with your son over this. You’ve made your point and he knows it.
I would send one final message and say you don’t want to fight, you want to celebrate with them and would have loved to sit up front but you accept his wishes and then leave it at that.

I can see both perspectives and can see why you are miffed.

I would change tack slightly here, and think about what you can do. Mother of the Groom is a difficult role. My caterer suggested that my MIL-to-be took charge of inviting people to sign the guest book (or whatever it is they are doing).

If that is too twee I also went to a great wedding where the Mother of the Groom and mother of the best man were great friends who had hosted boozy cocktail parties together for decades and just went around being excellent, welcoming hostesses who were charming and made sure everybody had enough to drink! Is this an option for you?

How well do you and your partner get on with your ex-husband and his wife? Can you smash up expectations, go oh fuck it, and play the role of excellent hosts and makers of fun?

She’s obviously very close to the groom/bride.

People on here are forgetting we are only getting OP’s side to the story. Is he really sending abusive messages or is she just taking them that way? Messages can often be misconstrued and tones can be taken wrongly.

I didn’t read the thread, only your first post. Your 31 year old son is being very disrespectful to you. He acts like he doesn’t care if you come or not. He won’t speak to you in person or on the phone, only text and there he is very hateful. The things he’s said to you via text are classless and ungentlemanly. Of course you belong on the first row. He lived with you his entire life, you were close to him until he moved out at 28.

The only thing I can think of is that his fiancé despises you and is influencing his behavior toward you and plopping you in the second row right behind his father’s girlfriend.

If so, either you were not welcoming to her when they got together, or she is a bitch. So it depends on if there’s a good reason or not that they’re doing this.

If you have truly been welcoming to her, and they’re doing this because they’re assholes, then I wouldn’t go to the wedding. It’s not even all about the second row, if there were a logical reason ok. (It’s not logically though, because the flower girl can sit near the end of the second row and have full access to the aisle etc, your son is spewing excuses.)

But it’s how he speaks to you, via text since you’re not allowed to see him in person or contact him by phone, as if you’re a piece of dirt. You would not feel welcome attending as clearly you’re not wanted. Leave the entire row empty and let have what they really want, your absence. They are the ones who made it all about you being put back on the second row. I have never ever heard of a mother of the groom or bride having to sit on 2nd row. You were ok with it, just asking to see what it meant, if both mothers were having to do that. Nothing wrong with you asking. Because it’s weird.

This is so sad.

but at this wedding the grooms mother is the only parent not on the front row. All the other parents are. Its obviously upsetting for OP

Wow, that is.... awful. I am so sorry.

How well do you and your partner get on with your ex-husband and his wife? Can you smash up expectations, go oh fuck it, and play the role of excellent hosts and makers of fun?

Not sure about you but I don't think I'd be a fun host to the man I had to divorce because he had 'anger issues'.

You’ve a right to be upset by it. But not to attend? I’d only chose that option if you want your relationship to be tarnished for life. Is it really that important to you that you’d consider not going to your own son’s wedding over it?

She's his mother, he's got his father's father sitting in the front, the best man's girlfriend. It really wouldn't have been difficult to put his mother in the front row, I don't know why people are pretending it would be so difficult.

I imagine the Bride and Groom, especially, would be delighted.

The relationship is tarnished, even if he changes his mind now it is tarnished. That's his doing not the OPs.

That is exactly why OP is on the second row. 20 years on and she still cn't behave.

Soooo much INTERNALISED MISOGYNY on this thread!!

Ladies, start knowing your worth!