Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

You should take priority over dad's GF. However, I do understand your son's POV that the GF is a witness, and thus part of the ceremony.
In that case, he should swap you with Dad's mum - that way both his parents are sitting in front (Dad's GF take priority over your DH in this instance, as she is a witness - your DH can stay in row behind).
Both groom's parents and grandparents (your DF, and his dad's DM) are then also treated the same by grandparents being on second row.

Your son's nasty messages are inexcusable.

And I’m sure the OP wouldn’t be upset if this wedding was unscripted and sit where you like , however it isn’t and she is .

@kittykitten Maybe it's the future wife who has made all the arrangements, not your son.
It is difficult , and I do understand why you were upset.
It's probably ''Bridezilla'' and your son is under the thumb as far as the wedding goes.

Best not make too much of a fuss about it- You definitely can't ''not go'', that would look really bad, and could cause a serious rift.

I would be upset too OP but would suck it up so as not to sour the day. My DD made some decisions in her wedding that I really didn't agree with but I bit my lip and went on to have a wonderful day (albeit without family members I dearly felt should be present)

Something similar to this was done to me 2 days before my wedding & it added so much unnecessary stress. Planning a wedding is stressful and there are sooo many things to arrange and it's impossible to please everyone, but the couple shouldn't have to, it's their wedding. I understand where you're coming from in being upset but maybe it was a logistical decision with no malice intended to you and they were trying to seat you without splitting you from your dad & people they thought you'd want to sit with

@kittykitten I think he’s been thoughtless and the order of seating is stupid. But in my experience men are useless on these things. I would just go, sit where he wants and put him and his wedding first and let it go because it isn’t worth a big row.

Sounds like it's more of an issue as the GF is in the front row. If she wasn't there at all, would you feel the same?

In this case perhaps no malice but very very insensitive and stupid

I think you are absolutely justified to think this is very off and can't believe some of the responses here. Of course his mum (although not his uncle and half siblings, etc.) should be on the front row. But I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about it and you'll have to put up with it gracefully.

And was your ex in the front row with his gf? No? So nothing like this wedding then. Well done.

How do you want your relationship to be with your son for the future?

Because honestly being upset about it, having back and fourth exchange and going into dynamite mode is going to destroy any relationship for the future if you carry on. All they will remember is you being a nightmare or looking sulky or adding stress to them!

Don't be that person just say OK, smile and keep smiling!
My MIL threw some pretty impressive wobblers about our wedding and even at our wedding (and no she wasnt payong for any of it we made sure we paid everything)......my DH has kept her at arms length since as he is still annoyed at her antics and behaviour! It's 9 years and their relationship has only deteriorated further.

So in your shoes whilst you may feel hurt at this point think long and hard about next steps.

Of course you are upset, this is your son who you gave birth to! You mumsnetters who have little ones might feel the same in 20/30 years time. How insensitive of the couple. This could be them in 30 years time when their son gets married. How upsetting to have to sit behind his dads girlfriend.

But you will just have to suck it up and be the bigger person as otherwise it will spoil the day for all. Put it down to their (relative) youth.
I know exactly how you feel. One of my sons got married 17 years ago and I was sat behind grandads, stepgrandads, friends and assorted cousins. Of the bride, as she had organised everything. I was so hurt, but decided I had to be the smiling , gracious mother in law and have never said a word about it since.
Buy a fabulous outfit ( not upstaging the bride of course) and keep smiling.

Over all yes you should be in the front row as that's traditional for parents to be

No need for rest of family. They are fine in second

Any idea on the seating plans for tables /meal

Again if a top table yes you should be on it

But be warned prob won't be

You’ve photographed some strange weddings then. I’ve been to dozens of weddings as a guest and numerous weddings as a bridesmaid and I’ve never stood during any of them, nor have any of the other bridesmaids.

If his dad’s gf is a witness it makes sense for her to have easy access and if that’s where he wants she to sit that’s his choice. Sorry OP but it’s not your wedding.

Too many people on here have a strong sense of entitlement and it shows. Just because you are someone’s parent or grandparent it doesn’t give you an automatic entitlement to a seat somewhere.

"he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28"

This is what swung me to you being reasonable. He's being very unkind. But I would still go, unless he's also demoted you from the top table at the reception in favour of his Dad's girlfriend.

@CurzonDax

Do you think that the son thought that OP would kick off if dad's girlfriend was on the front row and OP's partner wasn't?

There's quite a lot unsaid about the relevant relationships that might make a difference!

Entitlement? For wanting to sit at the front to watch your own son get married?

Whilst I can understand that you might feel a bit hurt, and I say this with kindness, I think you need to find a way to deal with your upset without letting your son know about it or asking him to change any plans.

Planning a wedding is stressful, especially so when there are divorced parents in the mix. Your son didn't ask to have to deal with divorced parents and their new partners in his life. He doesn't have to explain his decision as to how he decided who got front row seats (to be honest, from your explanation I thought maybe it was a numbers thing if he wanted his best man on the front row but then wanted you to sit with your dad and other family members, so it was easier just to seat you in second row as there was more space?)

A seating plan for the actual service? I’ve never even heard of that tbh. Guests just went were directed as in closest family within the first two rows normally everyone else behind. I can’t believe people get worked up over how close they sit to the words.

At the last wedding I went to I picked the back row it was boiling the fan was right behind me. Win win.

I would love to hear the son's side of the story on this.

I wonder what the son thinks of his relationship with his mother in general.

Another happy eloper. We did it because the identikit traditional wedding was not for us at all, with the expectation that those who loved us and knew our style and preferences would be happy for us. We are neither big on tradition nor expected convention, and we wanted to marry on the continent in a city which meant a lot to us.

Everyone was delighted for us except my in-laws. When we returned home, instead of congratulations DH got the brunt of his family's wrath. They fired the 'shoulds' at him with both barrels and were thoroughly unpleasant. So our elopement wasn't to escape family demands or expectations, but his family's later behaviour makes me even more pleased that we did.

As far as OP is concerned: son is extremely defensive on the point of who sits in which row and has made it clear this not open for negotiation. Would you really consider not attending your own son's wedding because of something as unimportant as a seating arrangement? If you want a permanent schism between you and your child, by all means rescind your acceptance but I think you'll deeply regret it later if you do.

As to your son's choice of your ex's partner as the witness but not his mother, was there any hint that this might happen, or what may have prompted it? About this, I think you can be justifiably upset.

Honestly the fact you’re wondering if you want to go based on being on the front or second row is baffling and ridiculously self centred. It’s about him, why would you miss out and make your son not have his mum there just over being on the second row.
We had really small rows at our wedding, first was MOB, step dad of bride, best man and maid of honour. Second was mother of groom with his sister and her husband and their child. Third was father of the groom and his partner and child. We prioritised people getting up and down to be first row.
It’s stressful doing seating for any wedding but for split families it’s even more so. Our table planning was tricky so we had just friends at the top table. Families being difficult about minor details can make people wish they’d eloped. Don’t ruin this for him, take it on the chin, send an apology text (heck I think you could even do with a bottle of bubbly and ‘excited for the big day’ card at this point) and go and celebrate your son and his wife on THEIR big day.

It’s thoughtless and upsetting, but you need to be

I think some of the posters on this thread must have really unsatisfying relationships with their own parents.