Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

oh gosh yes. And then which ones are displayed on the hall table at home... it is neverending!

Please don't be sad OP. I married over 30 years ago, but I still remember the agony of trying to accommodate everyone. It was so stressful.

I think an aisle seat for his grandad would be all that is required so he has sufficient leg room but yes absolutely both parents should be sat at the front be it at the service or the reception. Partners take second place and the bride and groom should understand that, it isn't rocket science.

I hate all the 'their wedding their rulez' mentality we see nowadays. Yes it is but a teeny big of sensitivity isn't too much to ask surely.

Oh it isnt agony at all, just needs a bit of common sense.

Separated parents shouldn't rule the roost but their feelings should be considered obviously.

It certainly explains why you have no empathy with the OP feeling hurt over being left out. Id certainly be hurt to find someone else in my place and as the thread shows so would many others.

Hmmm. To be considerate of elderly people is now too high an expectation? Ok Satan.

I personally think “it’s your day hun” has gone too far. On wedding days do we all get to commit one criminal act scot free because it’s “our day”. Should we expect our friends to take out loans because its “our day”

Is it ok to ask people to stop being so old/fat/pregnant/hairy/disabled/unattractive/poor or you aren’t getting in to my wedding. Not a wedding l’d want to go to tbh. I see why so many women wear white to each others weddings now. The brides and groom are probably arseholes 🤣

Surely you don't have to work very hard to accommodate your own parents? I mean, fuck, shitty relationships aside, you accommodate your parents and then work from that point out. Mind you, this is MN, were family is only ever a burden, I guess.

It appears to be assumed that the chairs wouldn’t have leg room.
But of course they would? Why wouldn’t there be?

Unless requesting a special chair, asking about leg room is a bit odd.
as a bride, I would find this annoying. The assumption is, unless the person is unable to sit on a normal chair regardless of age, for the 30 minutes, why make a deal and ask for something extra?

' I personally think “it’s your day hun” has gone too far'

I know! Strangely even though it's 'their day' I bet the bride and groom will be quite happy to accept whatever financial treats their parents will be expected to cough up.

His attitude towards you is awful, I'm afraid I wouldn't go because of that 💐

The idea that you can honestly slate an entire life’s relationship because it’s “your day” also says to me the amount of emphasis people put on the idea of being married too. it’s actually my day everyday.

being married doesn’t give you free reign to boot old people out of comfortable seats.

Stop making it about you

Yep. How about it's a day for family and friends to enjoy and share with the b&g. We really need to lose the 'their day' crap. Seems to be free rein for being selfish arseholes in many a scenario we see on mn.

I can understand how hurt you must be feeling. You were not wrong in any way to expect some thought to be given to your father and to expect to be in the front row. He is your son, not your ex's girlfriend's son. And no one else in that front row has played a more important role in his life than you.

His disrespectful way of communicating you is also hurtful and, frankly, rude.

We don't know any of the back story here and no one should presume to do so.

Weddings make people act in extremely strange ways. Things become heightened and out of all proportion. You don't know all that's going on in his relationship and the planning of this event. Perhaps your future daughter-in-law has become a bridezilla. Perhaps she's come up with this plan and he can't bear the thought of over-ruling her. Perhaps your ex has made a demand and made life difficult and he's gone along with it. Of course, none of this excuses his behaviour towards you.

Yes, there will be people on the day thinking it's odd you're in the second row. They may or may not ask you about it. But you must go to the wedding. Otherwise, this will ruin your relationship with your son and over what?

On the day, do as others have suggested: hold your head high; act with all the dignity you have. If anyone comments, simply say, "You'll have to ask the groom" and then change the subject.

And the ceremony IS only a short part of the day. It will pass. As will this issue with your son. You must think of the future.

If you're not careful you'll always be remembered as the one who made all the fuss and ruined the wedding.

Family relations require a lot of work and you will want to be part of your son's life for a long time still

Yeah but get out the seat grandad, I need it for this woman my dad just married.

As for anyone over 80, you can fuck off too, don’t be expecting me to give a shit you might have trouble sitting on a wooden chair in a freezing barn watching me walk down the aisle to a shit Ed Sheeran song in a white dress I spent 3 years saving up to buy. Btw it’s not even a free bar because it’s MY DAY.

I'd be upset too OP. You should be in the front row, however, you can't not go because of this, you will regret it.

I was MOB earlier this year, bridesmaids were front row and me, her dad (walked her down the aisle) and flower girls were second row. Didn’t think anything of it.

I’d be gutted in your shoes. Hard to know what’s going on here, but for some reason he is not playing fair. He needs to listen to your feelings (whether it makes him change his mind or not who knows.) If he can’t listen to another’s worries or hurt he is not fit to be a husband. Yes he is free to make his own choices but he is not free from the consequences of his choices.

I agree. The ex and gf will no doubt love it if you don't show.

Just wave, smile profusely, look like your loving every minute and push to the front at every photo opportunity .

You maybe would have thought something about it though if you and your dh were divorced and he was sat in front of you with his gf?

And was the MOG on the front row, and were you dumped behind your ex....or were the two situations without comparison?

YABU and massively overthinking it, when I got married we told everyone to sit where they liked and only reserved seats on the front row for groomsmen, bridesmaids and witnesses. I honestly could tell you where anyone sat and I doubt any guests could - my grandma ended up right at the back as she was too busy getting a last minute whiskey 😂it was actually perfect as she was able to give me a lovely hug on our way back down the aisle and it’s one of my favourite photos from the day

So, not at all like a wedding with a seating plan then?

I understand why you’re upset op, I would be too. However, please don’t miss the wedding. Go, sit in the second row and behave with good grace. Behave with dignity and know you are doing the right thing by your son, even if he isn’t doing the right thing by you. Don’t let this tarnish what should be a joyous occasion. If anyone notices the seating arrangements it will reflect on your son, not you. Rise above it.