Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

I have had not read all the response but your son sounds disrespecful. It is strange his dad girlfriend is the front row and not you.

i can totally see his POV. He’s trying to juggle everything and you’re causing extra stress. It’s really not a big deal. Don’t spoil it for him or yourself.

The seating plan to me is not the issue, but the unwillingness to speak to you and the nasty messages.

If you choose not to go, I would not blame you.

I would expect to be in the front row before the dads GF aswell.

It sounds like you guys haven’t been close for awhile as this is an odd way to treat the parent that raised you primarily… as your post suggests.

Has your relationship become turbulent in recent years?

It’s heartbreaking OP. I have bought my son up alone for most of his life. Had real apprehension about how I would be treated at his wedding. It was in Australia and rearranged three times due to COVID so I really didn’t know what was planned.
As it happens I (and his mother in law) were the special ones and I was blown away by how much their wedding included me and honoured our relationship.
However I was very concerned before hand and had half steeled myself for your scenario.
They have no clue how much they hurt you.
You have every right to be upset. 💐

YABU, suck it up and make the most of the day. It sounds like he knows his boundaries and has the strength to stick to them whilst you're doing all you can to overstep them.
If there were a MIL equivalent of bridezilla I'd say you're stepping into that territory.

Is there anyway the seats can be set out differently?

I would just accept that happy couples often turn into "Bridezilla and Groomszilla" before the ceremony. The wedding becomes about appearances..

The ceremony lasts about 30 minutes, so I'd just go with the flow.

Not important in the great scheme of things.🙂

Well maybe they should think about the appearance of sitting father's girlfriend in front of the groom's mother.

I’d be raging about this. Sorry, I know it’s their day, their decision and I should be the bigger person but I would see this as a massive slap in the face. I truly believe most Mums (people I know) would too.

Is it possible his Dad has pressured him into this?

I also think it will show your son in a bad light to others. I would very gently tell him how I felt as I think he’s making a big mistake. I wouldn’t need my Dad, husband etc with me on that first row. But I would expect to be on an equal footing with his Dad - you are both his parents. Your son is being insensitive and quite rude.

Sorry OP, ignore all the cool people - you have a right to feel offended.

That is very hurtful. You should be on the front row. x

Come back and tell us this when your adult child who's lived with you for 28 years decides his dad's girlfriend is more important than you are.

Of course it’s his decision ultimately, but I’d be devastated as you are. I’m not sure I could forget this. I might sound dramatic but it’s so very hurtful. So sorry for you OP

They usually have a front row at both sides what's wrong with you being front row other side? Either way not a huge issue as long as your there

The bride's family are on the other side.

Presumably the brides parents are sitting there

I was a witness at my sister’s wedding. I sat on the second row aisle. No problem. Dad’s GF shouldn’t take priority over mum

I agree with this.

So is how the photos are organised.

Unpopular opinion here probably, but you asking for your dad to receive special treatment was cheeky. Unless he’s un in a wheelchair I can’t see why you’d ask for anything more special. It implies his plans wouldn’t be comfortable and you had to challenge it in my opinion.
Your expectations were already too high and this may have annoyed him.
leave him be and get over it! Not your day hun!

That’s actually vile behaviour from your son. I have photographed weddings as a career for over 10 years. The front row is most definitely for parents of the couple (and GPS too if there’s room. The bridesmaids and groomsmen do not sit during the ceremony. The should be standing to the side of the bride & groom. It’s utterly ridiculous for mother of the groom to be in the second row. I would personally consider this a slap in the face, especially since Dads g/f is in the front row. I’m you OP, I’d be hurt and upset.

Parents should be front row. It's the norm.
It's hurtful for the girlfriend to be prioritised. A witness can be on the end of the 2nd row.
It stings to be considered less important than a girlfriend. He is being very thoughtless.

Well I would say you are spouting rubbish.

How can you be so spectacularly tone deaf that you can't see this for the kick in the teeth it is?

The man is 90-fucking-3!! What's the matter with you?!!!

A MIL equivalent of a bridezilla?

As previously stated, most mothers of adult children would feel OP’s pain, she’s really not making a fuss over nothing.