Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

I think you should definitely go though as it’ll escalate the issue.

Honestly I would let it go unless you want to completely ruin your relationship. Of course you can feel hurt but I know of a very similar situation and it was mentioned by the parent on the day and it all kicked off and they have not spoken since . Just think it’s only a seat and you are at the wedding and try and relax and enjoy it . Weddings are so stressful so don’t make it worse . Just smile and enjoy .

It seems harsh he's having all his dad's family and none of yours, especially if you were the resident parent. I would have expected front row to deffinetly include you, his dad, any siblings, and best man. I wouldn't be expecting him to put your brother ahead of his own brother though.

That said if you push this more you risk wrecking your relationship. I wonder if there's some back story he isn't telling you, e.g. his dad is paying for part of the wedding so he feels he should put him at the front

Sounds like he is just thinking practically and not considering your feelings. I don't blame you for being upset. I don't think he meant anything by it by seating everyone this way, but his reaction was unfair too. You should still go to the wedding, don't over think it - he's done it for practical reasons not to be hurtful.

I feel for you OP, in that I'd say you'd usually have an expectation of a front row seat. As against that, to be honest, I think that the son is going to upset someone and probably you somehow whatever happens. I suspect that he has been rude because he is being defensive, partly because you have a point and partly because he has decided that pissing someone off is just inevitable.

For example, if he decides for practicality that he needs witness (dad GF), BM and flower girl on front row (which is sensible and practical - tbh not sure I would want to be on the front row with a baby unless my daughter who was the flower girl was so young that she might have an accident or get overwhelmed such that I needed to take her out - dad can't as he is BM), there are then 3 slots.

So that means parents and one other. So you will claim it should be your dad or your partner and the ex might claim it should be his mum.

If ex's mum gets the slot because she doesn't have other relatives to look after her and sit with (is that the case? You've mentioned uncles and step kids on your side but not ex side), then I can see you getting very upset too that your dad has been snubbed.

I wonder if your initial interventions on behalf of your dad might have been a bit counterproductive - you've basically told them he is an invalid who needs specific looking after, so they have put you in a place that means you can do it.

Do you get on? Would it be practical to sit ex's mum with your step kids and your dad and brother in reality? That would be the way that it would go if he prioritised parents and wedding party. I know lots of children of divorced parents just try to keep their parents apart as much as possible so they can try to relax on the day.

Also.. could someone else speak to him about it and explain why you're upset? You absolutely should be in front, you birthed and raised him. Maybe he will realise how hurtful it is when he has kids.

I understand your hurt. I remember my parents going to sit down in the front row in my brother's ceremony only to be told by him that the witnesses were sitting there. They looked so hurt. My brother has been a prick his whole adult life.

They have their uses.
I should think OP would be glad of anyone resolving the situation amicably at this stage.

Exactly this. My ex said if it was a problem he'd take the back seat, DH said if it was a problem he'd take the back seat so ex could be in front, I said if it was a problem I'd sit back with DH. In the end we were all in the front.

Isn't it nice when people are nice.

I doesn’t sound like YABU and I would be really hurt about this too. Of course we only have one side of the story here and I wonder what reasons your son would give.

It's cheeky. Don't go.

Not sure I have ever seen seperated parents sat on the same row. Second row is perfectly reasonable especially with two sets of parents. Understandable and normal for best man and partner to be front row. With lots of people for your son to accommodate you do sound demanding. You need to decide what is more important your pride or your relationship with your son.

The wedding that I attended last year (a civil ceremony at wedding venue) had assigned seats. (I was surprised and pleased to find that I'd been placed near the front - I was the groom's aunty through marriage.)

Any church wedding that I've attended hasn't had assigned seats, but it's always assumed that the couple's parents get front row seats.

Where no seats are allocated you would be one cheeky guest if you sat in the front row and relegated parents to other rows

You sound cruel and lacking in empathy. The mother of the groom is a pretty important figure in her son's wedding! What is the matter with you?!

If he has a closer relationship with his dad, why did he live with his mum from 7-28 then??

I had a, not the same but, similar experience at my son’s wedding just over two years ago. I put on a brave face and no-one at the wedding would have known. It sounds dramatic but the hurt the snub caused very nearly broke me in the build up to the wedding and I have absolutely no happy memories of the day. Even two years down the line, the emotion is raw. It’s not necessarily about the actual snub, it’s the realisation that your child disrespects you enough to stand by his poor decision rather than resolve it with an easy seating plan swap.
YANBU in the slightest to feel hurt and upset, I know I was. But for the sake of harmony and your relationship going forward, a tight lip and a brave face is necessary. Hold your head high. Good luck.

YANBU, If I was divorced and my son had lived with me from 7 to 28 and then I had to sit behind my ex husband's girlfriend then I would not go to the wedding.

It is insulting.

I'd be interested to hear the son's point of view.

How 'involved' have you been in the planning. Have you been demanding guests etc?

Is there a risk of snippy comments if sat next to his dad/ step mum?

I've worked hundreds of weddings and the only time the mums haven't been on the front row have been when they either don't have a good relationship with their son or they're having no family in the front row.

Though it is harder for blended families, because ultimately the mum and dad don't often want to be near each other and think their spouse/partner is more important than the others.
Are you civil with his dad?

This would make me so upset. I think it should be mum and dad on front row and step parents on the second row. Tell him you can get along with his dad for his special day but you are hurt that your getting pushed to the second row. What about the top table? Are you on that?

I was merely stating traditional seating arrangements in answer to your question. I wasn't giving my opinion or own personal views.

It's amazing how many people on this thread are saying very rigidly what should happen. All families are different, people have different relationships and behave differently.

I wouldn't be bothered about the ceremony seating. I'd be destroyed if the girlfriend was at the top table though.

It's hard with blended families