Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

If son isn't budging could you and dad's GF swap so she can sit in second row with your DH etc? Do you think he means it's been stressful working it all out, perhaps his dad has also been giving his opinions and he's found it hard? I would be hurt enough that I wouldn't want to attend if he couldn't find a place on the front row for me as his mother, even if it was just me and not my DH etc. YANBU re where you sit, but I do think it would be unreasonable to insist on all your relatives and DH being with you over your exH's/best man etc.

I've already acknowledged that further up. I skipped a few pages and picked it up wrongly.

Missing the wedding would be an escalation of this conflict when your job as his mum is to de-escalate.

This is a grown man. Sorry, but the OP doesn't have any "job" when it comes to a grown man. He should be able to look after himself by now and, ideally, other people. Why on earth should OP continue to actively manage his emotions, make his life an ideal environment for his happiness and wellbeing at her own expense? He's not 13yo.

If he's old enough to act like an adult, he's old enough to be treated like an adult.

See what happens when you miss a few pages 🤣
this is a full time job on MN you know🤣🤣🤣🙃

and there’ll be more….just wait

Oh dear, wedding do bring out the worst in people. They are so stressful to arrange, please grit your teeth and go to be a supportive mother.
I had a wedding my Mum didn’t like and her behaviour completely ruined it for me.
We are really close as well!!

OMG. This isn't a 7yo's Christmas play. He's a grown man! I think he can handle his parents sitting next to their partners fgs. It would be utterly farcical and, frankly, a lie for the parents to show a united front when quite clearly they're not at all united.

I would find this a bit hurtful, but not enough not to attend - that would really be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

The mother of the flower girl is the wife of the best man. So she kinda does need to be there to look after the flower girl when her dad is doing his best man bits.
Unless flower girl sits elsewhere with her mother...
Seating IS all over the place at this wedding which makes me even more dubious that there was any ulterior motive on the groom's part.

My son is getting married in 18 months time. Obviously it's a while away yet so definitely no seating arrangements! I would definitely be upset and hurt if his dad was given priority over me.
However I would absolutely realise that if I want a meaningful relationship with him, my daughter-in-law and any grandchildren going forward I would pin a smile on my face and assume there was some explanation for it and try and enjoy the day. If you show how upset you are you will give whoever is driving it oxygen.

it seems like the people sitting in the front row are mostly in the wedding party or connected of the wedding party.

his dad, his dads girlfriend, who is also a witness, his dads mum, best man (wedding party), best mans wife and their daughter & baby (all there for the flower girl, who is also in the wedding party) sit in the front.

I understand that it may feel like a slap to the face to sit behind her son’s stepmother/his father’s GF.
But I do think that the stepmother/DF’s GF being a witness is relevant.

The flower girl and her mum could easily sit in the second row next to the aisle though, and nobody would find that weird.

I wouldn't be happy about it at all. I doubt any loving mother would be happy about being sat behind her ex's GF at her sons wedding. So YANBU.
That said, I wouldn't kick up a massive fuss. I'd tell DS and his bride how you feel hurt by it, but it's their day to do as they please. I'd still go and wouldn't threaten not to.

OP, you have every right to be hurt. I would feel the same - you should be on the front row the gf and wife of best man can sit on the second row. I’d be mortified if I went to a wedding and sat in front of the grooms mum - I’d be insisting on swapping places.

The obvious answer here, surely, is that the BM's girlfriend, kid and baby sit in the second row behind the best man, & you and granddad get first row.

Utter madness to have it any other way?

Also, where are you sitting at the reception?

I've been to a lot of weddings in the last few years and all of the weddings the front row both sides were bridesmaids, groomsmen, or other people involved in the ceremony
Parents were second row both sides.

That's not the case in this scenario.

But in that case the parents are treated equally so nobody is wondering whether one of the parents being treated differently is a deliberate snub.

As upsetting as this may be for you, why would you cause your son extra stress by making a big deal about this? I would honestly let it go and perhaps discuss with your son a while AFTER the wedding day is over with how sad it made you feel.

I doubt the Op would be making a fuss if she were sitting in the same row as her ex husband and his gf , wherever that row is .

My dp’s have been separated a long time.
I absolutely know that my df would ask for my dm to be thought of before him and would never take a place at the front if it upset my dm.
Your ex dh is also selfish here.

Patriarchy! What patriarchy? Thank heavens for men.

Your son doesn’t respect you. As his mother you should be on the front row along with his dad (your ex). Then whoever else your son wants.

All these people telling you it’s not up to you/it’s your expectations that are wrong should just wait until it happens to them. Until their child pushes them out. Then they’ll understand how bloody hurtful it is.

I really feel for you.

I was kind of with you until you said you're considering not going.

If you are putting your own jealous feelings about your ex-husbands girlfriend before your own son's wish to have you there on his wedding day then you don't even deserve to be on the back row.

I’d be upset in your position too, however there’s not much to be done as you’ve already voiced your issues. Unfortunately your son can’t see things from your POV. Maybe in the future he’ll reflect and realise how it made you feel.