Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP.

If either of my DSC got married I couldn't imagine sitting in the front row if it meant their Mum sat behind me. Just no, on principle. Likewise I couldn't imagine my own mum sitting in the second row at my wedding.

I always understood the the front row is parents, wedding party and grandparents if enough space and the rest is free for all, depending on whether you're the bride or grooms side. The best mans wife and children could easily sit on the second row, incl. the flower girl who could sit on the aisle. So I wonder if there is something going on and saying you're 'making a drama of it' (you're not) is projecting some actual background drama he's dealing with?

Witnesses aren’t involved in the ceremony. They just sign the register afterwards.
Wife of best man doesn’t need to sit with bestman, that’s unusual if he has a ‘priority seat’
Seating is all over the place at this wedding.

People really go to weddings and take notes as to whether certain people are sat in row 1 or 2?

If that's true, than these people really just need to get out more.

I mean, it's obvious why the people chosen are on the front row. It makes sense, it's just some stupid made up etiquette being argued here.

Wonder where the GF will be sitting if there is a top table, and where the OP will be?

Exactly that @crumblingschools and @Desecratedcoconut

A dreadful way for the son to treat his mother

For all the people saying OP is being unreasonable, ask yourself how you would feel in OP’s shoes.

Yes, it’s his choice. Yes, it’s his wedding and he can make the seating arrangements whatever he wants. That doesn’t stop it being hurtful.

I think a common sense thing would have been to place you and his DF in the front row and the DFs GF second row. That makes the most sense and causes the least pain. She shouldn’t take precedence over his actual mother unless there’s been some real issues in the past.

Misinterpreted it then. Sorry!

It's a civil ceremony. They sign the register during the ceremony. It's a fundamental part of it.

No, it really is @muimper point.
She said she was involved but didn’t need to sit in the front row

Sorry OP. Your ds is a selfish a*hole but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do.
Go to the wedding, smile and nod.
You will cause a huge rift if you don’t go.
Just remember to apply similar boundaries when they want childcare in the future.

Oops @Treesinmygarden you got there before me.

That's what I get for skipping pages...!!🙄

They sign after the i dos.
I now pronounce you….blah, blah.
Not before
Unless she’s disabled she can walk to the front, to sign. (If she’s in a wheelchair she can wheel herself to the front for that matter )
Previous poster did a reading and got to the lectern from 3 rows back with no great hindrance.

Yes - all true
BUT you can choose to just ignore the questions around slights, which is what I would do

I think muimper is trying to say that being involved in the wedding doesn't mean you have to sit on the front row.
So, for example, grooms father and his partner could sit on the second row, with the partner who is a witness in the aisle seat.
Or best man's wife could sit in second row with her children and flower girl in the aisle seat.
In any case OP's son isn't going to do this and, although I agree it's hurtful, she's better off just going with the flow.

^ this.

Ironic that half the people saying that no one will remember or interpret this seating position as meaning anything bad about OP, are also saying that OP must be a terrible person for being seated in the second row by her son. Way to prove OP's point.

The reality is that the woman seated in the front row on the groom's side, of the most likely age, will be assumed, by anyone who doesn't know groom's family well (i.e. by most of the bride's guests) to be the groom's mother. Because people will assume that if the groom has a good relationship with his mum, he would obviously seat her in the front row. The actual mother of the groom will just blend into the draperies. If people know OP is the mother of the groom, no, they won't remember in two years that she was seated in the second row, but during the actual wedding, if they work out that she's the groom's mother, they'll assume she's not close to her son or that she was not a very good mother and that he quietly holds a grudge against her for her misdeeds during his childhood. If they don't work out that she's the groom's mother, maybe they'll even congratulate the ex-husband's girlfriend for her son's wedding and ignore OP, the actual mother of the groom.

It's just a mean thing to do to your own mum.

That said, I know young men and many of them aren't particularly thoughtful. It might even be a case of "like father, like son." I think, as the mum, you have to play the long game, and also, just as when they were little, you have to do your job as their mum, whether or not it's rewarding. So if your child back-benches you (literally!) at his wedding, that's not great but it's not in your control. What's in your control is your own behavior. Missing the wedding would be an escalation of this conflict when your job as his mum is to de-escalate.

Hopefully, on the day, there'll be someone sane there (best man's wife) who's sensible enough to give up her seat for you.

Show this post OP and a few others on here to your son.
Then he’ll see you are not being unreasonable in any way

I've done readings at family weddings before. I make sure I'm sat at the end of a row (any row) so I can get out easily.

No way do I plonk myself on the front row with Bride or Grooms' parent behind me on the pretext of 'I am involved in the Wedding'. Totally inappropriate

You're misinterpreting the post, it's saying that having to have the witnesses on the front row is nonsense, they can just as easily be seated a few rows back and walk forward when needed.

@aloris Ironic that half the people saying that no one will remember or interpret this seating position as meaning anything bad about OP, are also saying that OP must be a terrible person for being seated in the second row by her son.

No people are saying there is likely a reason she wasn't seated next to her ex husband.

Isn't it that she's sitting with her own husband? Why would she sit next to her ex-husband and not next to her actual husband?

The OP's dear son will probably be expecting her to do the washing up, know thy place.

I am certain there is a huge backstory to this

Because her ex-husband and herself are the parents of the groom, so they should both be sat on the front row together as the groom's parents.