Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Tbh I don't see how adults need to be at the front just because they are taking part.

On the end of the 2nd row would be enough?

I had a friend as Bmaid & my husband had a friend as Bman.

Neither of them would have sat at the front if it meant that any parent couldn't!

We wouldn't have wanted it & neither would they.

OP did an expected line up of the first row including the dads gf.

The dads not involved in the ceremony.

Exactly this.

Nobody will notice or care. Who sat where will be forgotten in about 5 minutes after everyone starts drinking and dancing etc.

Wow some people have some really low standards for the treatment they expect from their children. OP that is incredibly hurtful from your son and not how anyone would expect to be treated by somebody they raised with love and care. You deserve better and I hope your son realises that.

I’d be upset too, OP. And I’m not even sentimental about this stuff, but as I read it I put myself in your shoes. Yes, I’d be upset. Best mans baby and wife do not need to all be up there.

if I were a girlfriend, Id speak up and say “NO! Your mum sits up here” but you need a level of thoughtfulness to think that.

There wasn't any discussion or planning before the wedding day! That didn't used to be a thing - front pew would have 'Reserved ' on it (for bridal party) and everyone just filtered in to 'Bride' or 'Grooms' side and leave rows near the front for closest family

Bullshit. Ofíciese people will notice and comment. It’s a wedding!!!!!

@Sayitaintso33 no I am saying that if I was the girlfriend I would be questioning why I was being (on the face of it) made to be important than the groom’s mum.
In same way if I was the mum’s boyfriend and I had a role in the wedding party and the dad had been relegated, and I was not aware of any issues between the groom/bride and their respective parent.

Of course it could be the dad who had been putting pressure on the groom for the girlfriend to be more involved.

@Sayitaintso33 no I am saying that if I was the girlfriend I would be questioning why I was being (on the face of it) made to be important than the groom’s mum.
In same way if I was the mum’s boyfriend and I had a role in the wedding party and the dad had been relegated, and I was not aware of any issues between the groom/bride and their respective parent.

Of course it could be the dad who had been putting pressure on the groom for the girlfriend to be more involved.

Exactly this. You’d have to be so tone deaf to displace someone on such a day.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. It's an insult. I would be very unhappy if that were I. He's not thinking about it properly. You as the groom's mother of course should be in the front row. But I don't know how you go on from here. I think you will just have to go with it to be honest.

The dad's girlfriend is a witness and the little girl is the flower girl. Since the best man is going to be involved in a ceremony, the mother of the said girl is there to look after her, presumably, unless you think a small child should be seated separately from her parents.
I suspect, the OP would be equally unhappy to be seated next to her ex's girlfriend (and potentially offended too since she wasn't asked to witness) or for her to be seated next to her ex but on the second row.
I suspect there is a lot more to the story that OP is not willing to disclose that would explain her reaction and, in fact, seating arrangements.

FFS! Not at all! You’ve very aggressive for someone with no actual involvement!

I think it’s very clear what I meant in both of my posts so I’m not going to get into it any further

Or they could try what my son did and talk to parents about how to work it out. My ex and I had barely spoken in over 20 years but both said we were happy to sit together but if the other was uncomfortable we'd sit in the next row. Amazing how grown up people can be when you treat them like grown ups.

OP, I understand why you are hurt, personally I think your son is being rude.. However you have now brought it up with your son on several occasions and he has not changed his mind.

If your relationship is otherwise OK ( although the text only thing puzzles me), please try to let it go, put on a brave smile and wish the bride and groom well.There is nothing to be gained from trying to dissuade your son, and even if you did, surely any victory would be pyrrhic.

At this point, given that your son is clearly under some pressure, to refuse to go would seem rather petty.

Once the wedding is over and the dust has settled you may be able to have a conversation with your son about your relationship in general, if one is needed, but you need to let this one go.

I did a reading at a friends wedding and sat in the aisle seat 3 rows back. Weirdly I didn't need to be on the front row to reach the lectern.

If you were the girlfriend you'd know why you'd agreed to be one of the two witnesses. So knowing your place regarding seating arrangements wouldn't be relevant.

Honestly, my mum made less of a fuss when she wasn't invited to the ceremony.

Don't be so obtuse and unfeeling - of course it matters!! It's not the seating per se - it's the thought behind it. It's rude too and not correct wedding etiquette.

The damage to the relationship is being caused by the son, and unfortunately his mum is going to have to be the one to suck it up for the sake of peace.

Why be so nasty to a woman who is clearly very hurt by it? Why minimise it? It's a public dissing of the mother who brought the ungrateful sod up and for a fucking girlfriend to take precedence over her is a horrible thing to do.

I'm sick of all "it's up to the bride and groom" shit. It may well be up to them, but surely unless you're utterly up your own hole, why wouldn't a B&G go out of their way to ensure that their wedding is also enjoyable for their guests? The two are not mutually exclusive.

@kittykitten - there are some pieces of work posting as usual. Pay no heed to them. I feel for you. I would be upset if my son did that to me.

Somebody does care, the grooms mother. I’d be upset if it happened to me.

You're being ridiculous. I have no idea why you didn't invite your mother nor does it matter here.

Are you trying to tell the OP that she isn't allowed to be upset?

Why is the bloody GF a witness anyway? Surely that's normally the best man and chief bridesmaid? It's just weird.

You were not the mother of the groom. Entirely different. It wouldn't have mattered if you sat in the back row.

2nd row is fine but you shouldn't be behind your ex or his GF or the best man's family. When we got married we had the front row on the right side was me, dh and the best man. Then on the second row there was dh mum, dad and grandad. On the left side of the church my bridesmaids were in the front row, then my mum, dad and grandparents on the 2nd row. Dh's witness was his best man but my witness didn't have a reserved seat, she just sat with her dh somewhere in the middle. Dh has been a best man once, for his brother. He sat in the front row and I sat in the 2nd with his mum and dad. If it had been dh's friend rather than his brother I would have sat at the back.

Clearly, that's muimper's entire point.

@Treesinmygarden I think that poster is trying to demonstrate the GF doesn't need to sit in the front because she is a witness

What a load of nonsense. Of course it will be noticed.

Most importantly, the groom's mother cares, and her feelings matter.

A horde of tone deaf people minimising her hurt on MN isn't going to change that.

As for whoever mentioned further details - doesn't look like the OP is going to add any, and no wonder reading some of the totally unempathetic and frankly stupid replies!