Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

@Desecratedcoconut precisely better to hurt her feelings than hurt their own and not have the wedding the both want

Yikes...

I would actually not recommend going to the wedding and getting plastered, even in order to rinse a free bar. Which there probably won't be, anyway, a free bar at a wedding is as rare as hens' teeth these days.

The goal here is for the OP to emerge with her dignity intact.

She can't control whether people are gossiping about the fact that she's been relegated to the second row of the church.

She can control whether people are gossiping about the fact that she got absolutely shitfaced, had a showdown with her son or her ex husband and then set her own knickers on fire.

How is standing at the back or side, quietly, "making a massive fucking scene"?

You know what is making a scene? Sitting your mum, who raised you and housed you until you were a grown ass man, behind your dad's girlfriend. Which woman with a shred of self-respect would allow herself to be relegated to literally BEHIND her dad's girlfriend at her own son's wedding??!

As for not attending at all, personally I don't put much store behind weddings (my own was included). It's so not a big deal to me. The important thing happens between the two people making a commitment to each other. I really couldn't - and didn't at my own wedding - give a shit about the rest of it. The joy is the relationship between bride and groom, which you see unfolding and developing before and after the wedding.

It's utterly unforgivable for a grown mad to treat his mother - who he lived with until he was 28 bloody years old - to treat his mother with such disregard and disdain. He's humiliating her. It's not to do with first row and second row. It's to do with 'less worthy than my dad's girlfriend, and I haven't got the spine to stand up for you'.

MN loses its collective mind over weddings, all the "it's their day, their rules" BS. What a load of bollocks. You don't get to be a shit for a day just because you're getting married.

‘I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband….’

This is what I'd have, best man and family in the row behind. Flower girl could easily do her work and then dart back to the 2nd row to sit with her mum.

BUT you cannot not go to your son's wedding because of this, it will make you look dreadful and you'll regret it forever.

Debatable. You left out the rest of the quote. 'a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am'.

The other side is OP repeatedly moaning to her son about seating at the wedding when he has enough stress and things to think about. It is selfish.

From OP's own admission she brought it up with her son at least 3 or 4 separate times!

Surely though we are all thinking this -that mum is less close than him with his dad or there is some back story

Now if there is not, that is very hurtful that everyone else is speculating about what the issue is.

(I think the same when a bride is walked in by someone not her dad -when dad is there-it's a clear message -beyond obvious exceptions such as if she walks with both parents or her partner or her own kids)

@Sayitaintso33 because if I was the girlfriend I would be putting the groom’s mum (who has brought him up) ahead of me

Surely end of aisle in row 2 also works for that purpose?

I may be projecting because I have this fucking situation on a daily basis with my children. But its a fucking seat. You will be able to see. Its really not a competition and someone has to sit in every seat. It sounds like all your ex's crowd and your crowd would never fit on one row so somebody is always going to be unhappy.

But seriously OP, do you need your DS to explain to you that there isnt actually a pecking order with stupid seats and are you really so insecure?

(Sorry, probably a bit harsh but I swear to god people fighting over 'the best seat' is the bane of my life).

This last paragraph is hilarious! You should write for one of the soaps!

I'm obviously not being very clear. Do you suspect it is the girlfriend causing trouble behind the scenes because you believe that it is usually women who cause this sort of drama at weddings?

@MargotBamborough

where did I say get shit faced?
many adults can enjoy quite a few drinks and enjoy themselves and still have their dignity in tact.
basically what I’m saying is that needs to look after herself and think about her self (cos evidently no one else is!)

I wonder if his wife to be has done the seating plan and she wants it that way and he doesn't want to upset her so instead chose to upset you, the lesser of two evils in his mind.

This is very true.

I didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle for feminist reasons, and there is no issue between me and my dad at all. But I did it anyway because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I very much did not want people speculating about the completely non-existent circumstances between me and my dad which might have led to me not wanting him to walk me down the aisle.

I think this is cruel. He had probably thought of it as practical, sitting families together in rows, but the etiquette would be that you sit guests in order of importance. Sit behind the girlfriend with your head held high. The faux pas is on him by sitting you incorrectly, however if you refuse to go because of it you will be creating the bigger snub.

It’s not about you. It’s about him and his wife.

I know you didn't say shit faced, I'm just saying that at a wedding where there is a lot of alcohol and emotions are running high, the line between "merry" and "shit faced" often becomes - literally - blurred, and people end up doing things they later regret.

I really hope all of you justifying the son's behaviour have children who treat you with the same contempt. She's his mother. You don't treat your mum, who supported you and housed you till you were 28 years old, like this. You just don't.

All of the people who would actually be ok with this have you actually thought about the scenario of going to your child’s wedding and being the only parent on either side that has not got a front row seat . It is absolutely a snub , there is no other way to see it .

I think when people are talking about who sat where and nobody cared, that's when seats weren't allocated. In this case the couple have allocated seats and have deliberately made the OP less important.

I don't think any of us (as a wedding guest) would walk into the venue and sit on the front row - we'd know that was for very close family. The OP's son is choosing his dad over his mum - that might be because of his dad's anger problems but if he's old enough to get married he's old enough to say "Well Mum needs to sit on the front row, of course".

I would be the gf in this situation in my own life, and I'd just sit where I'm told. I wouldn't feel it was up to me to start swapping with his mum when the bride and groom have said otherwise.

I walked up the aisle on my own.
I left home to go to uni, no animosity, very close family.
However
I lived and looked after myself financially and in every way from age 18 so I didn’t see that I had to be ‘given away’ to another man by my father.
My dad told me he would have been shocked if I’d asked him and if anyone was going to ‘give me away’ it should be my mum as she gave up everything for us.

No one thought it wired, everyone thought it was liberating

But currently the dad's gf and dad's mother are sitting in front ahead of the OP. So exactly what you are saying the OP would be unreasonable to expect is happening against her.

It should be groom's mother and father and groomsmen etc and everyone else behind.

How is the dad and his gf in the ceremony?

You aren't wrong, I don't think anyone other than people who subscribed to very dated wedding etiquette would think twice about something like this, nor would they think "it sends a clear message".

You can't just apply your own views onto other people. I've seen several brides walk themselves down the aisle and I've never once thought "oh she must hate her dad!".

I ditched the tradition of taking my DH's name, does that send a "clear message" to everyone about how I feel about my DH? Of course not!