Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

I honestly cannot remember which row I sat in for my DSS’ wedding earlier this year - or where his Mum or new MIL sat for that matter. I do understand why you are upset, but I think you should try to get past it for all your sakes. You would always regret missing his wedding. Weddings are always stressful and you cannot please everyone.

I’ve been to a lot of church weddings and bridesmaids and groomsmen always sat to one side.
Small attendants with their parents throughout the church wherever the parents were.
Parents from both sides plus siblings in the front row.

If grandparents aunts uncles etc are there then it was a case of whether there was room in the front row. But generally they sat behind.

We kept the two rows from the front for immediate family.
Witnesses sat to the side
We didn’t seat people, everyone naturally knew who those front rows are for although the attendants do have to stear rogue guests away from the front rows.

It’s the same with funerals really.

Rather than the OP making the wedding all about her, I wonder whether had been pressure from the dad’s girlfriend

Why would that even enter your mind?

I would imagine OP won't be on the top table either...

It does seem a bit weird that up til the age of 28, the groom was happy to live with his mother & now at 31 is being abusive to her. Maybe there's a big part of the story missing.

Weddings I've been to that have divorced parents involved have usually involved judicious use of bridesmaids to keep them apart in the front row & on the top table.

I think the issue is if you have bride's parents in the front row, groom's dad and stepmum in the front row, flower girl and her mum in the front row, and then groom's mum in the second row, it kind of looks like the groom's mum is considered B list.

Everyone has different ways of doing things and none of them are necessarily right or wrong. For example, we had all four parents - still married - sitting in the front row on one side of the church, and all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and their partners sitting in the first and second rows on the other side of the church, which was a bigger space due to there being a grand piano next to the parents on the other side. Then for the meal we had bridesmaids and groomsmen and their partners on the top table and the two sets of parents were on different tables with their own friends.

The point is, we didn't treat one parent differently to the other three.

This was my big fear when I got married. I ended up eloping to Vegas and not having anyone there, because the possibility of my parents and stepparents all having a massive fight and ruining it was too real. They'd all have been kicking off about stuff like seating plans too. It was a no-win situation.

I'd find that hurtful, and I think your son is being a groomzilla to behave as though you're unreasonable for feeling surprised and hurt. However, for the sake of your future relationship, I wouldn't miss the wedding, and its probably safest not to bring it up again until after the wedding (if ever). It would undoubtedly change the way I viewed him, though, as well as how I approached our relationship afterwards. Weddings are stressful, but that's no excuse to treat loved ones this way.

A reaction like this is probably why you're on the 2nd row. Can't believe you're even contemplating not going

I think you’re right actually that you should be front row with his dad. In this situation I think the proper etiquette is for parents to sit together even if not together… x

‘I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband….’

This is the most obvious and absolutely FAIR seating arrangement and I can completely understand why you’re upset that he’s chosen alternative seating. I would feel the same. However, I would be most sad about his attitude - he clearly doesn’t care about your feelings and I wonder why…

Don’t choose not to go though unless you’re prepared to lose your son for ever.

OP as the Groom's Mum should be on the front row. Not necessarily the Grandad and Uncle as well but absolutely the OP and her husband . How very rude and hurtful of DS who seems to be in full Groomzilla mode

Can't see the issue with not having the rest of the rent a crowd you want on the front row but you should definitely be on it.

It's about respect

If he is being that rude to you don't go.

@MenopauseSucks where on earth has be been abusive to her?
He has made his point clear and OP kept bringing it up and kept digging and he simply told her to leave it alone! That’s not abusive JC.

I’m wondering whether they’re people trying to be nasty or stupid people who really don’t understand that parents go in the first row.

@Anniewestest Rude. (And outdated; with blended families it's best to be flexible.)

Perhaps, rather than nasty or stupid, we're people who understand where you sit during a ceremony doesn't make the blindest bit of difference, it's about celebrating a joyful occasion with the bride and groom.

I am struggling to remember where everyone sat at the most recent family wedding, but I promise you no one there was ranking people's status by row number.

I understand it's not how you want it to be but that's what they want so that's how it goes. Don't let it come between you and your family and don't not attend just because of this. You will regret it later on.

@Sayitaintso33 because she is in the front row (and not the groom’s mum) and is a witness

YANBU to be upset just don't show it

Haven't had time to read the full thread, so responding to the OP.

There was a time when I would have said 'Does this really matter?' But having watched my sister being quietly humiliated throughout her daughter's wedding and reception — tucked away in a corner while her exH took centre stage, sat at a distant table while he sat at the top table during the reception — I have immense sympathy. My DS divorced her controlling husband after 15 years of emotional and financial abuse. Her daughter was a real daddy's girl and took her father's side. My sister was told that as she was paying 40% of the cost of the wedding while her exH was picking up 60%, he had the final say in everything. My niece went along with it.

This may be your former husband influencing your son and there may be nothing your son can do about it. If your exH is making a financial contribution to the wedding and laying down the law your son may feel he has to comply. All you can realistically do is brace yourself, hold your chin up high and minimise the damage to your ego by, for example, disappearing quietly from the celebrations at the earliest opportunity. Keep your dignity. There will be some people there who understand the background and I hope they will step up to support you.

If your son isn't normally like this, I'd suggest that he's being told to 'punish' you by his father and stepmother and he's too cowardly or too financially reliant on them to fight back. It's not nice. I will never forgive my niece for the contemptuous way she treated my sister.

Good point actually

But why do you assume that it is the Dad's girlfriend that is causing trouble behind the scenes?

if you go OP just prioritise yourself - enjoy getting dressed up and glam, get plenty of drinks in (really go for it especially if it’s a free bar put on by the happy
couple), enjoy the food and chatting to whoever you want in a nice hotel.

The same petty and spiteful attitude to complain about not being in the front row!

if it was my wedding and my mum was behaving like the OP I’d be like, well don’t come then if you’re not happy with where you’re going to sit!!

So they knew she'd be hurt by it but they did it anyway because it's just her feelings and it's just his mother?

@Coffeerum

If you read the OP...

'I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse'

That's how the OP wrote it. Maybe the groom was just being nasty but the OP mentioned a torrent of abuse so I said he was being abusive!

(Can't do any of the fancy quote or bold bits, apologies).