Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

So, OP, have you come to any conclusions?
I hope you decide to go, you may regret it if you don't, and it may only lead to animosity where none is needed.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing so you were lying to the OP?

making people feel better by saying their son might be wanting to appease and aggressor is a weird thing to do.

His two sets of parents should be on the front row, no question! Then any grandparents, so your dad and his grandmother on his dads side. And the best man if there's room. No reason at all for the best man's wife to be on the front row. I think he's being unreasonable but bare in mind he's probably quite stressed with it all so might not be in the best frame of mind to discuss it with. Maybe you could have a conversation with his wife to be and share your feelings in a calm way? Hopefully woman to woman she will be prepared to listen.

Just had to go dig my wedding album out to check where everyone sat! Witnesses and my husband’s three children on one side, my parents, my best mate (unofficial bridesmaid) and my brother and sis in law on the other side as there was a big space for nephew’s pram. My husband’s parents sat behind them. I don’t think they felt slighted - it’s never been mentioned! Mind you, this was a second wedding so maybe the ‘rules’ are different?

That’s hurtful to have to sit behind his dad’s girlfriend. That would hurt me, I’m upset for you. You’re his mum.

Your son may have grown up in your house but that doesn’t mean he is closer to you than his father. If it were me I’d ask could his grandmother (dads mum) sit in the 2nd row behind her son and dil and you could take her seat I. The front row.
mom trying to think back to my wedding, I try not to think about it as we’re separated now, but I’m pretty sure my parents were on the 2nd row. I had my 2 sisters (bridesmaids), my 3 children and then there was space for me and exh. I honestly can’t remember who was on my exh side, possibly his bm (who was my brother) and his relatives. Hmmm.
I wouldn’t think too much about it though, he’s going to remember that you caused an argument over where you were seated and it’s really not a big deal!
is there a top table at the reception? I’d assume you wouldn’t be sitting on that either

@kittykitten I've NC to post this because it's quite outing and I don't want anyone who recognises this story to link me to my regular username.

My husband has always been super close to his brother and until this year we were all very close as a family. In January I gave birth to our second child and since then my husband's brother has gone low contact with us and his wife has not spoken to us at all and has never met our baby. They live about a mile away from us.

It took us a while to realise that it wasn't just a case of everyone being busy, but there was actually an issue, and so eventually my husband confronted his brother and asked what the problem was. It turns out they are angry because the name we gave to our baby daughter is their daughter's second middle name and they think we shouldn't have used it. Despite the fact that they gave their son the same first name as another member of the family.

To be clear, we think they are being complete arseholes and there is no justification for their behaviour. But we are still upset about the rift and we want to fix things for the sake of the whole family. We're not sure exactly how to do that, but we do want to sort things out.

I think sometimes you can recognise that someone has treated you badly, acknowledge that your own feelings about the situation are completely valid, and yet understand that you may regret having a huge showdown and causing a rift that may never heal. And so you have to tread carefully, even if you believe you are right and they are wrong.

I honestly think your son should revisit the seating arrangements, perhaps putting the flower girl and her mum in the second row, or on the bride's side, so that you can go in the front row. You're his mum. You deserve to be given the same level of importance as the other parents of the bride and groom.

However, the reality is that that is not his current intention and he may not change his mind. It's OK to be hurt about the situation, but I think you would probably regret causing a huge row or not going to the wedding. That would make the argument between you and your son much worse, and it would also look very bad to your wider family and friends, who may not understand the reason for your lack of attendance and assume that it must be something much worse. So I would still go, put a brave face on things and try to enjoy yourself.

And if the opportunity comes up to have a calm conversation with your son and just say you don't want to make his wedding day all about you, you just felt hurt and excluded especially given how close you were for so long, then that might help the two of you smooth things over.

@EmptyYoghurtPot was one of your parents sat behind the other?

if not it’s a bit irrelevant.

the issue here is the OPs son is actively choosing to place his mother behind his father and his wife.

I think you are being rediculous. I went to a wedding recently and mother of the bride was in 3rd row and they are a very close family. It's just seats. You are near the front. This isn't worth a fall out with your son over.

There’s nothing more rude and entitled than a guest trying to make someone else’s wedding all about them and their feelings. Just go and sit where you are told and be supportive of your son.

It is extremely hurtful for your son to seat you behind his dad's girlfriend.

Is there a chance he (your son) is being pressured by other people into doing this? Are you the one who's easiest to let down? Still not good enough, but maybe that's why he's doing this.

Honestly, in your shoes, I would (1) not be paying towards this wedding if that's how little he thinks of me, his girlfriend can do that (2) probably stand at the back or side somewhere (I'd get to see him wed, but no way would I be having any truck with this. Depending on how things continue to unfold, I may not go at all, it's only a wedding after all, it's not your last chance ever to see him again) (3) quietly grieve the loosening of ties with my son. He's telling you very visually what he thinks of you, and you have no choice but to accept it. It's very sad. I'm sorry for you, OP.

Perhaps it's venue dependent?

I know my ILs were on the front row across the aisle from my parents.

YANBU to be hurt, I would too I imagine.

But if you create a drama over it, the consequences will reach far beyond the wedding. If you don't go you'll likely fracture the relationship, not attending your son's wedding is quite the statement.

Go. Have a lovely day. The bride and groom will be the ones that some guests will think are odd for putting you on the second row. You never know, they may be getting loads of grief from others and that's why they are on the front row

OP I think there are going to be lots of opinions on this, weddings seem to be one of those events where people think things 'need' to be a certain way. So many people get upset in the run up, on the day etc. My advice to you is don't let seating ruin your relationship with your son, his wedding day or your enjoyment of that day. You've said your piece and I'd put it out of your mind now.

All his kids in the front row though.
They are closer relatives so it makes sense. There wasn’t any space left for parents so in this situation it’s understandable but maybe not in OPs.

Totally agree. Typical Mumsnet gaslighting going on. Acting as if it’s weird to be upset at sitting behind your ex’s girlfriend at you son’s wedding. Of course it’s normal to be upset by that, she’s the mum of the groom!

Every wedding I've been to has had bridesmaids and groomsmen in the front row. Maybe they're all rude as fuck because parents were put on the second row. Didn't seem to bother anyone though.

No they won't, they'll think.... Look, his mum is seated behind his Dad, brutal, they can't be very close, I wonder what happened there?

@Raincloudsonasunnyday

probably stand at the back or side somewhere (I'd get to see him wed, but no way would I be having any truck with this. Depending on how things continue to unfold, I may not go at all, it's only a wedding after all, it's not your last chance ever to see him again)

Do people get a kick out of giving terrible advice?
Standing at the back and making a massive fucking scene at his wedding or not attending at all is a sure fire way to tip the relationship from “used to be close” to total no contact.
Frankly to act like that at your child’s wedding is unforgivable.

I guess my point was more that I couldn’t even remember where people sat. I bet none of the guests can either. I don’t think we had a seating plan as such, people just sat down. I just can not see how this is worth risking the relationship with a child though. But I’m old and stopped bothering about what others might be thinking when I turned 50.

You know, someone said to me that Mums are the last to be forgiven and the first to forgive.

What generosity does your DS need from you at his wedding?

Don't fixate on hierarchy and his Dad's girlfriend. Focus on being present and doing what you can to make the day go well. People will pick up that vibe from you. You'll only hurt yourself if you choose this hill to die on.

"You know, someone said to me that Mums are the last to be forgiven and the first to forgive"

I think that's to point out the difficulty of being a mum, it's not a bloody mandate.

Do people actually go into weddings and look around the seating plan to try and work out who's liked more/who might have fallen out? I've never remembered where anyone has sat at the wedding.

Only in the world of mumsnet