Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Front row really should be traditionally both the bride/grooms parents and bridemaids /witnesses /groomsmen obviously with 6 chairs that's impracticable to have you all.

Grandad shouldn't be on front row ..

It's a practical solution. Stop stressing about a bloody seat. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, probably 'I'm sick of my parents not being able to be civil with each other and ruining the build up to the big events in my life with petty one-upmanship'.

I've seen it time and time again with friends who's divorced parents ruin weddings, big birthdays, births of grandchildren, christmases and so on and so on.

This! It's his wedding not yours

@SecondUsername4me

You are asking a lot if you think your dad and your husband should be sitting there over the Grooms own father.

She doesn't think this, read it again

OP I'm not surprised you're hurt. It seems very thoughtless of him. People on here are going to say things like "his wedding he can sit people where he wants" and of course that's true, but it's hardly the point. You're his mother. He should be more respectful, and you shouldn't be in a position where you have to remind him of this.

What a nasty post. Hope that made you feel better.

I feel like the problem is the fact that your ex's girlfriend has a part in the wedding (which would make sense for her to be on the front row as she will be needed).

Sitting on the second row wouldn't have been a problem as long as your dad has enough room, like you said.

Your son has invited you and had put you as close to the front as possible. It's not like you have been dumped at the back because he felt like you just had to be there.

I think it is fine, very understandable even to feel hurt but ultimately OP you are best placed to start trying to reframe it in your own mind and stop seeing it as heirarchical in entirety, and a declaration of worth and value when it just isn't. You making it one will create the bigger issue here.

Not everyone can sit on one bench and ultimately your DS has made the primary decision that the persons at the front are his groomsmen anyway - as is the case at quite a lot of weddings I've attended to be honest. I also can't say I've ever noted where the groom and brides close relatives are and in what order, nor would it overly interest me.

As it seems it isn't something that he plans to make alterations to then surely at this point it's either that you reframe it, enjoy watching your son marry, at the front of the church with all of DS's close family or you don't attend at all and presumably won't have much a of a relationship going forward.

I think row 2 is fine. I’m sure I have seen close family in the second row of a wedding before. I dont think it’s worth stressing over but I can see this is an issue that many people think is important. I would suggest to just go and enjoy the day, it’s supposed to be about how he and his future wife live each other and want to build a future together. It’s not about how much he loves you or any other member of the family and no doubt finds these additional requests stressful (which may be coming from various sources on both sides of the family). You clearly love your son so go and tell him that you love him and are happy for him.

I’m not surprised you are hurt. I’m also baffled at these comments, I’m wondering whether they’re people trying to be nasty or stupid people who really don’t understand that parents go in the first row.

I can also understand why you might not want to go, as it does reflect badly on you. If I was a guest I’d be thinking ‘the groom doesn’t get on with his mother’ seeing a parent in the second row. Or that you aren’t able to be civil with his father. Neither are nice assumptions but are the ones I’d make if I wasn’t aware of the background

@Catza
most of the people (bar the grandmother) he has in the front row are involved in a ceremony

Incorrect. The following are on his front row despite having no involvement in the ceremony: his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best mans wife and their daughter & baby. The only person on his front row who is involved in the ceremony is the best man.

Lots of sympathy, I’d be gutted.

I think it’s fair enough that you are hurt, I don’t think it’s ok for you to be seated behind the girlfriend.

However you are trying to dictate exactly who should sit on the front row and beyond yourself you have no business doing this.

My son got married 6 months ago, and it never occurred to me to ask about the seating arrangements in advance, it was their wedding to plan as they pleased. I can’t imagine getting upset by this.

As it was, the seats were in rows of 4 either side of an aisle.
Front row (grooms side) was his dad, 2 brothers and best man. Second row was me, my husband, and a couple of their good friends.
Front row (brides side) was 4 bridesmaids, Second row was her dad, her grandad, her godson and her uncle. Her mother is not around.

At the reception I was seated on the top table between the groom and the best man. My other 2 sons, the grooms dad, my husband and a couple of friends were seated nearby.

it was a fabulous day.

The only person on his front row who is involved in the ceremony is the best man.

The dad's GF is a witness.

I personally think it's important for parents to be on the front row. I would say it should be groom, best man, mother and father (and grandad if he'll be more comfortable). Step parents and siblings on the second row. We had parents and best man/chief bridesmaid on front rows. Everyone else could sit where they liked.

Of course it's a seating issue, because seating arrangements have meaning!

When you marry, you want the people you are closest to around you. By him seating his dad and dad's girlfriend in the front row and his mum in the second row, he is publicly declaring that he is 'closer' to his dad and dad's girlfriend than to his mum. The dad who had anger issues and that he hasn't lived with since he was 7, and the mum who he lived with until he was 28.

You can humph all you like, blaming her and tradition - it doesn't change a thing. The rest of the people witnessing the ceremony will note the seating (you're being disingenuous if you claim they won't!) and draw conclusions. That's what is making OP question whether she should go - having to field all those subtle and not-so-subtle questions of what was that about, when she has no non-humiliating answer to give.

If I was the best man's wife there is no way I would sit in front of the groom's mother, it's disrespectful.

You and your ex clearly had to sit on separate rows given your continuing bitterness towards him.
Once that happened it is a coin toss whether you would be in the first row or second, unless the fact that his step mum is a witness did.

Grooms mum is never on 1st row
1st row groom and best man-ushers come and join- all male row
2nd row family- male and female

This has hit the nail on the head .

This

Just enjoy the day? I'm not sure if I'd enjoy the day dumped in the second row, behind his father's girlfriend - feeling like I was on display as the demoted parent. I'd be wild.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said "less relevant"!

I mean my Mum stayed at home with us because she was able to due to Dad providing us all with a home & food!

That aside I loved them both-it wasn't dependent on who did what.

Seems odd that the dad’s girlfriend is a witness.

Do they have set seating for the reception?

Ok I was just trying to make op feel better and not as though her relationship with her son was the problem