Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

YA totally NBU to feel the way you feel - I’d be upset at being behind my ex’s gf too. But your ds has made it quite clear he doesn’t really care and isn’t going to do anything about it. His reasons for that we’ll never know (you say yourself you “used to be so close” - why used to be?)

Your feelings are completely valid but to not attend the wedding bc of this will be extremely petty and cruel and make you look like a massive arse.

Suck it up and be the bigger person - I don’t see what else you can do.

This is exactly why none of my side of the family attended my wedding.
My mum kept on finding all these traditions like the wedding has to be in the brides hometown and the seating plan is order of importance and Groomsmen and Bridesmaids have to be paired together and you need to invite all 21 of your cousins and their partners and the kids (this is real btw, just by inviting cousins, partners and their children that would have been 53 invites) and basically lots of other stuff thatI didn't want. She called me selfish and refused to attend the wedding. She didn't like the fact that I had the wedding meal at a local Italian restaurant. Didn't like how I was gonna wear flat shoes etc. She literally drove herself insane over my wedding not being traditional. I'm still not really talking to her 5 years later. She said that none of my wedding day considered her or was about her?!

You are definitely not being unreasonable and his defensive reaction shows that he knows it’s wrong. Ffs you’re his mum! The woman who gave birth to him!

im a step mum and have been married to my husband since his daughter was 3 years old, almost 30 years. when she graduated her mum and my husband attended. When she gets married I don’t expect to sit where her mum should be.

Its really insensitive and i can imagine exactly his you feel.

Jesus op, I'd be gutted too.

As someone who works in weddings and has been to 800, I can tell you that yes the immediate family are often on row 2 not row 1. Space is often reserved for bridesmaids who are coming in last and the groomsmen will generally be front row waiting with the groom. The chances are you cannot all fit on row 1 and you will enjoy the ceremony more being sat with your family rather than some random groomsmen you may not know! Your son is correct and you're definitely not helping his stress levels. Being on row 2 will make no difference to your experience of the wedding, it lasts for 20 minutes, you've got the whole day to enjoy with him. You should support your son

A wedding is supposed to be a happy day. Just rein in your jealousies and demands and do everything you possibly can to make the day a delight for the happy couple.

I have attended 3 weddings of my AC and it would not have entered my head to give a flying toss where I was seated. I just wanted to see them happy.

@paintingvenice

“get back in your box and don’t ruin your sons wedding day”

Did you really just tell her Op to get back in her box’?!

Soz, no. Women have been put ‘back in their box’ for years and years for the sake of keeping the peace, facilitating others ( usually men), to not make a fuss, etc etc.

fuck that shit! Lots of us ain’t getting back in our box.

sorry not sorry 😀

I was bridesmaid at my friends wedding and I was front row. It was me, mother of the bride, maid of honour, bridesmaid 2 and grandmother of the bride in the front row of the brides side.

I wonder why that is?

Does a father become less relevant after divorce??

He only needs to sacrifice a relationship with his mother because of her unreasonable behaviour. Note how she didn't mind seating further back until she realised her ex's new partner was sat in front of her. It's not a seating issue at all.

the little girl is a flower girl and his dad's GF is a witness

YABVU

The front row consists of the best man, the flower girl, the flower girl's mum (to look after her and stop her fidgeting), the groom's dad, the witness to the wedding (dad's girlfriend) and groom's grandma.

Other than the groom's dad and grandmother, who you seem happy to be in the front row, all these people have an active role in the service. Of course they need to sit at the front rather than shuffling along a second row. It's the practical solution.

If you boycott your son's wedding over where you sit during the service, you'd be making a terrible mistake and damaging your relationship with him and your future DIL for life.

This isn't about you. This is abut your son and his bride. Get a sense of perspective and celebrate your son's happy occasion.

I have not seen many instances of younger women being dismissed as "entitled, woke, mollycoddled snowflakes" on MN (and I don't hold the opinion that they are, they generally work very hard etc.)
I do frequently see older women called names and put down.
I did say that OP should not threaten not to attend and should accept it with good grace, but she has every right to feel slighted.

Please make things right with your son- otherwise it could spoil the day and it is absolutely not worth it. He has enough pre-wedding stresses I am sure. When my son got married we were on the second row, the mother of the bride and bride's stepdad were also on the second row because her parents are divorced and each wanted to sit with their current spouse and we understood that it was stressful for the bride and groom given her parent's situation, it made no difference on the day at all. We could still see everything and had a fantastic day

Imagine the outrage if posters implied OP's specific circumstance was something to do with "older women" in general the way it's fine to do about younger women!

Maybe younger women have more recent insight into the pressure and dramas that other, often older family members try to put on brides and grooms during wedding planning.

It's an issue if OP is sat behind her ex husband.
No doubt its an issue if she was sat beside him and her DH was put behind.
Then it's who sits closer to the DS during the meal, get your ruler out ex's partner is sat 20cm closer than my current husband! The drama!

It's relentless and no one is ever happy.

The DS and his future wife are right to plod on and plan their day.

Considering not attending your son's wedding over this says A LOT about someone.

To be fair, it would be just as easy to have the flower girl's mum one seat along from the aisle seat of the second row, and for the flower girl to sit in the aisle seat of the second row. That would free up two spaces for the OP and her dad in the front row.

But it sounds as though making suggestions is not going to be well received.

Historically and still today in most families mothers do more for their kids and give up more for them.
So, im guessing, traditional seating acknowledges that.

Whereas OPs sons seating arrangement possibly doesn’t and in the words of @diddl makes her ‘less relevant’ than her exh and his girlfriend.

That's really different to the OPs situation. It was obviously discussed and parents feeling taken into account. Would you have felt the same about it if all the other parents were front row except you?

You have considered not going because you are second row, have a word with yourself. You yourself said that as long as your Dad had legroom it would be ok.

The best reply to your sons “see you at the wedding” is a cheery response about how you are looking forward to if.

I work for a church and have to say that most of the dramas are caused by mothers of the bride and groom, rather than by the actual couple. One mother of the groom actually walked in during a funeral service and demanded to be allowed to put the flowers up for the wedding the following day! Bride has been told they could go up in the evening and had accepted that. MOG had to be escorted out by the Church Warden whilst loudly complaining that weddings were more important and nothing should be arranged in Church for the week before! Weddings make people crazy!

I think this is his wedding and he can do what he wants. Perhaps his dad is making a significant contribution to the wedding. As you had already been fussing about your father, he probably got fed up with you and doesn’t want a fuss on the front row. If people have trouble sitting, they usually go to the back and take up more room. This is what my husband’s grandfather did at our wedding. Yes it is usual for parents to be on the front row but it makes things complicated when the parents are not together. It is not your wedding.

Seating your mother behind your father's girlfriend says even more about the groom.

I'm so sorry. If one of my boys did this to me I'd be devastated.

@kittykitten I've had a read through the replies and it's obviously a bigger deal than I realised, forgive me, I'm from a small family and haven't really much wedding knowledge.

I adore my oldest son and his DSM is important to him, (she has brought joy to his father, meaning that she's massively improved my DS life) and she's no DC of her own, so I'd hope he'd do what he could, as your DS is, to include her in roles on big events, or else they're things she may not experience.
Also DC's father can be a bit of a prick, not aggressive but constant put downs and I see your exH was also, a prick. If exH has continued his behaviour with his GF, maybe your DS has a sense of sadness and wants to give her a day to feel wanted within the family?
I'd hope that wouldn't come at the expense of pushing you out and I can't say the way he's spoken to you has been impressive, but you're his mum. You birthed him, loved him, you're his safe person and he is secure that you'll always be there. Which is lovely, however you're now feeling taken for granted.

I know you're having really mixed responses here, but ultimately this is a horrid situation for you if you're unhappy, but please have a think about mitigating factors on why he's including his dad's GF, he may really just be trying to do something nice for her and he's snapping at you because he's now feeling guilty.

And I'd imagine you'll be made a fuss of because you're his mum. Nobody can replace you. I hope you're shown gratitude and spoilt by him on the day.

Navigation between being a pushover and accepting where you stand is a minefield. Just try and have a lovely time. 💐

@Brefugee hope you feel better soon 💐

Good point about practicalities, @MargotBamborough.

I think the real issue is that the dad's girlfriend is in the front row. She's been asked to be a witness so it makes sense she's at the front. The groom is obviously close to her or he wouldn't have asked her to be his witness; OP describes her own relationship as "used to be close" which implies they aren't close now.

So I think this is really a "he's closer to her than he is to me and I am lashing out in hurt and jealousy" rather than any point of etiquette.

(Wedding etiquette is outdating bollocks in the main, anyway.)

OP, you're reasonable to be hurt but YABVU to mthreaten not to go over seating arrangements.