Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Beyond hurtful.

This would make me question my entire relationship.

No way in hell would I sit behind dad's girlfriend. I wouldn't go. I couldn't tolerate the disrespect

This is really hurtful and something I would think about when planning a wedding due to my parents divorce. As a bridesmaid myself we sat in the second row. My first thought was that perhaps they have had money from his father and there is a sense of obligation.

Please do go to the wedding though I fear missing it will be something that could never been forgotten.
Though I would say very calmly at some point in the future to him that you found what he/they did very hurtful amd disrespectful of you as what I assume is a loving and present mother throughout his life x

Is this a registry office wedding? Or Church?

iIMO should be you, his dad, his best man his uncle and grandparents on the front row. Significant others should be in the row behind. The best man’s gf, his dads gf shouldn’t trump you.
I’d still go to the wedding but I wouldn’t forget his attitude towards you in a hurry.

It's a hotel

Why have you assumed any of that? I doubt this entitled prick will do anything for his mum, even though she was the parent for 28 years.

I complete agree. I hope he reconsiders and that you will be seated in the front row 💐

Some younger women on MN really dislike older women and dismiss their feelings.
I can completely understand why OP is upset about this. It goes against the usual convention and it is making her feel that she isn't valued.
Nevertheless in her shoes I would attend the wedding and take the high road, not mentioning the seating further.
If anyone notices, they are more likely to judge the bride and groom than OP.
The posters saying "Well obviously he doesn't like you much" are just enjoying being nasty. He liked you enough to live with you until he was 28.
Definitely do not turn up and ask to swap places with anyone. You will look like a drama llama and lose your dignity.

This may already have been suggested.... Can you swap with the girlfriend, who could sit on the aisle seat of the second row so she can easily get up to the front. Then he has his Mum & Dad sitting front row as is traditional.

I got married in a hotel, we did not have a seating plan for the ceremony. People just sorted themselves out, not sure if the Registrar told/reminded people to leave the front row of both sides of the aisle free for wedding party, parents etc.

The front row on my side was Mum, Dad, 3 bridesmaids (my nieces), and I think my brother who was a witness. Husband’s side, can’t remember without looking at pictures, but definitely his Mum & best man/witness.

I can understand you are upset, but not worth missing your son’s wedding for.

@Fairnair

I can understand you are upset, but not worth missing your son’s wedding for”

I think it is.

Are they having a sit down meal.
Who’s on the top table.
Knowing that OP might answer some questions for you.

ie. If you aren’t there’s something odd going on with why you are being treated this way.

Nonsense.

I can understand why he might not want you there. You are clearly very self-absorbed.

1. she said anger issues…that does not mean DV which is a very specific accusation.

2. nope the “snarky” comments are still valid. My DM was a victim of my very aggressive father. That means I was too & so was OPs son. The handling of a divorce, no matter who was “at fault” can limit or cause more trauma to the children involved. It was 20 years ago. Has the Dad had therapy and changed? Is he remorseful? Does his Mum constantly make nasty comments about the “girlfriend” etc. now 20 years later? We don’t know.

3. It’s funny how when things aren’t going 100% an OPs way there’s suddenly a huge dramatic drip feed. Funny how it’s “but what about his old Grandads knees” and not “why is my son prioritising his violent father over me” if that’s really the backstory.

YANBU to feel upset. However, you have to accept that it is not your wedding and it is up to the bride and groom to decide and arrange everything about the day, to suit themselves. The main thing is that you will be there to see your son married. Support him. Be happy for him. Instead of arguing and criticising, ask if there is anything you could do to help on the day, or afterwards (eg returning hired suits) so that you feel more positively involved. You are the mother of the Groom - nobody can take that away from you.

(sorry to seem over invested but I'm ill in bed and bored)

What is the Mother Of The Groom equivalent to the Cool Wives? Because they're out in force today 😀

I'm more coming round to the idea that part of the issue with where OP sits is connected to the frail grandad and OPs partner. So, OP, do you think if you'd taken them out of the equation the answer may have been different?

My actual opinion hasn't changed: shitty behaviour by DS in the face of normal wedding etiquette. He is not wrong to have a "my wedding my rules" attitude. OP is not wrong to be hurt by this. OP should think very long and hard before deciding not to attend. OP should attend, with a genuine smile, for as long as it's comfortable for her. OP should continue to contribute as much or as little as she has already offered (if anything).

More than anything OP should be kind to herself, acknowledge that her feelings are valid and that her DS feelings are also valid. Nobody is right or wrong. See how the relationship with your son develops as a married man. Always try to be graceful.

This is sad and I would be very hurt too.

But I don’t think that I would miss the day because I love my son and want to be there for his special moments. That being said, if my ds did this I wouldn’t think it was a slight, I would assume there was some reason behind it. In this situation my first thought was that the df’s gf didn’t want to sit alone and the best man’s partner was worried about having no help with the kids, particularly when one is a flower girl, and ds was trying to help by sitting them together. Could this not be the case or is there some other reason that you think he is doing this?

Do you not think it’s ironic that younger women are dismissed as “entitled, woke, mollycoddled, snowflakes” etc but an older woman threatens not to go to her sons wedding because of a seating arrangement and that’s just her expressing her feelings?

What also goes against the usual convention for previous generations is having to manage the emotional minefield of acrimoniously divorced parents.

Are you on the top table at the reception?

So you're casting doubt on the OP telling the truth. You should have just said that at the outset. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt to anybody, who has been on the receiving end of domestic violence anger issues.

I agree with this
I don't understand why it is that so many people say it's an unforgivable crime to wear white if you are a wedding guest (it isn't) but it's perfectly fine for the groom's father's girlfriend and best man's family to sit in front of the grooms mother.
I have never seen that at a wedding and find it very odd.
Usually bridesmaid, flower girls , best man sit at the end of a row but not necessarily the front row.
Also doesn't it make more sense for the flower girl to sit with the bridesmaids on the brides side?

@Harrysarseinthedogbowl

omg! Yes! Woman dares to acknowledge her own upset and feelings in the face of outright disrespect from someone who she let live with her until he was 28 years old. You’re right, soooooo self absorbed. I don’t know how she dare!!

Torrent of abuse and nasty messages you say.. I wouldn’t be going!

Wow.

YADNBU.

I think your DH and your Ex DH's wife should be on the second row, along with the BM's wife and baby.

You and his dad should be front row as equals and I too would be devastated. I agree with @Anonymouseposter there is a certain age group on MN who should be more mindful as to how they would really feel in this situation if or when the time comes.

My step children all took different approaches to seating plans for their weddings, as both parents are remarried. One child had mum and dad front row and top table, with myself and stepdad in the second row and on the ‘second’ table. One had mum and stepdad front row with me and DH second row - don’t remember DH even noticing and certainly didn’t have an issue with it. The last one was marrying someone who had several step and ex step parents to consider so we all just sat anywhere and the top table was just the bride and groom, which was lovely.
I can not imagine anything that would stop me going to my own son’s wedding!