Feeling like it's impossible to work as much as my company needs me to

[careerwam]

I've got two children, 1 and 3. I work full time and I'm pretty ambitious but I just can't seem to put extra hours in.

I'm a single parent.

We had a team call with one of our VPs this morning who told us that everyone needs to dig deep if they want to really excel. This means doing extra trainings and work after hours.

I just can't do anything after hours. When I finish work, I get my kids and give them dinner and get them ready for bed. They don't sleep until 8 unfortunately. I then usually fall asleep with them or shortly after, as they are both bad sleepers and keep me up at night.

Then it's up again the next morning and getting them ready for nursery and that's all the time I have at the moment. I don't know how I can give any more, but I know I need to if I want to get to where I want to be.

I know other mums can do it, but I'm just so tired.

Any advice ?

I really feel for you OP, you already sound like superwoman to me managing a big job and juggling two infants (babies really) all by yourself. This might sounds nuclear but you should consider sending a message to the VP outlining how you felt after the meeting. You could reinforce your commitment to your career, the company and your development but that you felt that this was aimed at you personally (I am sure it wasn’t). You could say that you do not have time to watch Netflix or in fact do anything outside of care for your children! That you are worried that there are unrealistic expectation that are barriers to women, who are the main carer to also develop a career.

However as a contrary view, i sense you are thinking that it would be good if you could have time to do some development, I would think if you could do this one morning a week, once you are up then you are up and you would feel better in yourself? Just a thought. Best of luck, am sure you are already amazing and this phase where the kids are really small will pass.

I wouldn't even work for free at £100k. My free time is precious and so if I'm expected to give it up I expect to be compensated in return.

I was going to be sympathetic and say that training outside of hours warrants double pay. But the salary you earn is indicative that the Company expects you to do more than scheduled hours.

And remember there are plenty of teachers earning about a quarter of what you do but have to do online training outside of regular work hours and somehow manage to look after their kids too...

If you feel you are being asked to manage an excessive workload then you need to stand firm and say that unfortunately due to commitments outside of work, this will not be possible. Don't mention children. You could be caring for an elderly parent or have theatre tickets. Work/Life balance is important and they shouldn't be asking you to give all your time to the Company. No job is that important.

They’ve bought XX amount of hours of your life. If they want more, they can pay for more, be really firm on that. When 5pm comes, close your laptop and come back the next day to carry on, when you’re actually getting paid. Value your time and only work overtime if you’re definitely getting paid for it.

@pollymere

please stop with this teacher argument, it is so childish
some professions are paid better than others. that’s life.
would you advise a teacher to shut up and bear it just because someone else makes even less? (Eg a labourer in India)

You can’t do the stupid extra with little children as a single parent. Once they are sleeping properly and then again in school you will have more energy and time to put in the extra. It’s a large part of why we have such awful gender pay gaps as women (sorry to assume you are a woman!) have to ease off for a few years while kids are little. You’ll get there it just might take longer than someone without kids (or realistically a married man :-/).

Call me old fashioned but this situation really is ridiculous. Bringing up children is a job for more than one person. Whatever the reasons for being a single parent adjustments have to be made. Where is the father of these children?
I accept that women should be independent but there have to be some compromises. OP seems to be running on empty.

Maybe you need to put some of your ambitions aside until your children are a little older
There will be time then.

I wish you all the best Careerwam. Just need to say that because it is the norm with high salaries that home life/ holidays are disrupted does not make it right for women OR men, single OR with children to put up with this. We should all be entitled to time to be with those we love and if a parent, an obligation to spend enough time with the children.

Id get a new job. Your kids and your own mental health come before impressing a company

OP - the work setup you describe (not read all the thread) sounds very much like Tech/IT?

I have the same setup, WFH, total flexibility, way above 100k, travel to client site and sometimes outside UK as and when needed.

If Tech, I would also say this isn’t culturally the norm (the attitude of your mgmt). Yes we are expected to be available all hours etc and attend training because we are a US company so US centric, but this is not the norm. If your company doesn’t value work life balance and family life, a huge amount of Tech companies do - so look to change company.

I don’t work really late (typically, unless on with execs in US) or weekends and I am open about that, I’m also a team lead and tell my reports not to be doing that either as work will always be there on their return. We cover each other. We are very specific about team members who come in being of the same cultural mindset. Those who don’t have kids, we recognise have other things important to them they may need flexibility for, we cover them too.

Downtime matters so we are able to give our best. Earning a certain amount doesn’t mean being flogged. I will 100% work out of hours when needed because work let me do what I need during daytime without quibble. They don’t expect that as routine though. I am customer facing so I do what the customer needs so it’s not project based and is continual. If my customer called me Sunday PM, I would be answering that call as it must be serious etc. I just do it, it’s the nature of tech. I don’t do training like this though. I bake that into Friday afternoons.

Mental health matters, especially in tech when we are always ‘on’ and always available.

Your Management sound like they need a head wobble. They need to work smarter not harder.