Feeling like it's impossible to work as much as my company needs me to

[careerwam]

I've got two children, 1 and 3. I work full time and I'm pretty ambitious but I just can't seem to put extra hours in.

I'm a single parent.

We had a team call with one of our VPs this morning who told us that everyone needs to dig deep if they want to really excel. This means doing extra trainings and work after hours.

I just can't do anything after hours. When I finish work, I get my kids and give them dinner and get them ready for bed. They don't sleep until 8 unfortunately. I then usually fall asleep with them or shortly after, as they are both bad sleepers and keep me up at night.

Then it's up again the next morning and getting them ready for nursery and that's all the time I have at the moment. I don't know how I can give any more, but I know I need to if I want to get to where I want to be.

I know other mums can do it, but I'm just so tired.

Any advice ?

Anyone who tells you you can have it all is bullshitting you. A PP nailed earlier - at this time in her life she can commit to doing her hours to the best of her ability and no more. End of.

Be clear and direct. if they want you to do extra training to benefit the company that needs to be during working hours.

And to your question. How much money would make it worth it? Enough extra money to pay for high quality childcare instead of you. For £25-30perhr NET.

Not at all; as said, you can negotiate if what's being asked is genuinely unreasonable, or failing that move to a more suitable job

Clearly you have a lot to offer or you'd wouldn't have been granted such a package in the first place, but ones like this tend to come with a lot of expectations and it's for you to decide whether they work for you

So I've been on this salary for a while now ( and usually above ) and I absolutely know what it takes. I work holidays and evenings, doing emails and follow ups / some light excel stuff/ finishing off a presentation etc.

But I draw the line at being able to take in new info after a certain time. I'll just have to work around it somehow. I'll do more training stuff in the morning and follow ups in the evening if required.

Two questions OP:

• are you on an "up or out" style career model? Companies with this often offer a "perform at level" window for new parents of 2-3 years
• where is the DCs' father in all this? Does he take no part in or responsibility for their lives?

I’m finding this really interesting. At the risk of being called a whingeing teacher who thinks I have it worse than everyone else (I’m not - I’m semi-retired, one day a week with adults just now) I can’t help thinking - whenever a teacher, on less than half the lay the OP has) says they do lots of work in the evening and at weekends (not as a whinge, just when explaining some aspect of teacher/school behaviour) they will be jumped in and told everyone has to work out of hours etc etc. OP is being told (rightly, in my opinion) that she shouldn’t be expected to work out of hours. Why aren’t we consistent in this view?

OP - you’d an on'y do what you can do, and employers should pay extra hours if they want extra hours worked - difficult with a salaried post, but there are ways. Unless your £100k includes a contractual obligation to work OOH and so the high salary actually does include pay for that. In which case you need to do it or get a different job.

This is who my mind immediately went to!

Seriously ladies,get real. This is how it works if you're a professional and want to get ahead,you have to put in the extra work which means ,as in my husbands contract " the hours the job requires. " You can work to rule and show a total lack of ambition and commitment, or accept that you have to prove yourself if you want to get ahead. The idea that this is discrimination is laughable , blokes are working hard long hours and not getting a free pass as they're fathers. What I would suggest is unless you already have one,discussing a bonus system with your boss and the objectives/goals you need to reach to obtain it or a percentage of it. A boss who is serious about his employees progress will have one as an incentive.
I suggest paying for some help with the kids and getting dad to step up,either by having them more or paying more towards them .
Ultimately you have a choice, decide its too much and change jobs,which you may well regret if you're ambitious as you say,or accept that success requires commitment and graft.
Reading many of the comments here explains why women find it so hard to get taken seriously,

Agree asking you to do unpaid work is a joke. Don’t do it. If they are piling pressure on you, look for a new job and explain you can’t work for free. This is discriminatory against people in situations like yours and also absolutely illegal! They should be paying people to work. Making people work for no pay is not employment it’s called something else!!

From your OP I thought that it was really cheeky of your work to ask you to work unpaid hours as I assumed you were earning an average wage, but there is usually an expectation on a £100k salary that you will work longer hours than the standard 9-5 unfortunately.

Can you do something like hire a evening/night nanny to help out a couple of times a week so you can do as your company asks?

Hi OP,

I completely understand the ask and the concern at your salary, I am a few years on from you in a similar sounding career and have been through the phase with children (albeit not solo). Honestly career promotion is not a linear path, there are times to push yourself and times to do enough to get by - doing enough now will not stop you progressing in the future.

I would suggest focusing on the sleep, that will make all the difference and give you more time to relax or work. That is potentially the biggest thing you can do for your career in the next year. Children change and grow quickly - there is plenty of time to focus more on your career and it sounds like you have a great foundation to build from.

It's true. It's just hard now for me ( especially with training ).

I've worked longer hours than required and been available at all hours and holidays since I started on 30k.

Just training and educating myself is difficult late at night for me.

This is a massive red flag for me. When a company starts telling everyone to "dig deep" and expects them to work extra hours without overtime or it's going to affect your career, there is a huge problem. I will tell you about my friend's husband who was in a similar position a few years ago. He very sadly died suddenly and when my friend posted his obituary and funeral notice in the local paper, on the very same page was the advertisement for his job!

Speak to your line manager about expectations and what you are willing to do.

My current company would not expect this, but in previous ones there have been times where we have had a similar speech about commitment and all it takes is one person to be brave enough to question work/life balance, wellbeing etc during the speech and their colleagues agree and back them up.

I've always found 0400-0700h can be fantastically productive. Could you do training then, as you say you often go to bed at 2000h?

Say nothing. Do your hours and no more. This is utter bollocks from people who in all likelihood work less hours than you. I used to buy into this and would often be working on my weekends and late in the evenings. I have stopped this except for the occasional hour or two when needed. You need to draw a boundary and feel good about it. You are paid to do a job in a certain amount of hours. If your company decide they need less staff they will not give a shit about you.

Mikimoto
The OP does not need to be online doing training at 4am.

When a company starts telling everyone to "dig deep" and expects them to work extra hours without overtime or it's going to affect your career, there is a huge problem

If they are indeed doing it to everyone then I agree, but not if it just concerns senior staff who've been promoted to high salaries (and all credit to OP who's clearly achieved just this)

As so many have said, the reality is that such positions come with expectations - though of course they still have to be reasonable taking all circumstances into account - and bringing in the sort of argument which would apply to a junior on small wages just doesn't work

Hiya OP. In your situation my advice would be to talk the talk but not walk the walk. Be visible, shout about any achievements, be professional but don't do any extra. The VP is just spouting bullshit nonsense which he (bet it is a he!) probably thinks is motivational. You just can't do it so don't but don't talk about not doing it, nod and smile, nod and smile.

False promises so that you stay in your job and go above and beyond your pay scale. Don’t fall for it. Do your role and go home to your children.

Most people will not hugely benefit personally or financially from working extra hours unpaid. They may become unwell or burnt out though.

4am! That's the middle of the night!

There comes a time you need to work out if your salary is paying for your skill set and experience or if you have sold your soul.

Agree also that you do not need to make excuses or say you can't manage to 'dig deep'. Stay quiet and professional. Make sure your work is visible and smile and nod.

I know other mums can do it, but I'm just so tired.
No they don't-mums don't do it, dads don't do i and if either do they need to stop-that dig deep crap is rubbish. You have hours, you work them. I've no advice but just remember nobody will help you out when you're lying in a hospital bed. I've had two family members collapse from heart issues due to stress, never ever worth it. Best of luck op, hope you get good advice here x

Most other mums can’t do it. Please stop banging yourself over the head with this.

I have a ‘good’ job, as do many of my friends (mostly lawyers, consultants, senior public sector directors etc). None of them can do it - most of them work part time. Those who work full time (very few I hasten to add) either have excellent family support or feel like they are losing their mind and their health.

Don’t work for free, tune into your value, remember what is important and that you can have anything you want but you can’t always have it when you want it. Find some allies in your business who believe the same and if there aren’t any then get out and find a business that recognises that home and work don’t stand in isolation.

30k is not a salary where anyone should be doing unpaid overtime.