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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know gifts aren't everything but....

150 replies

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:22

My ex bought my 12 year old daughter the following for her birthday:

1x pair of leggings
1x moisturiser
1x lip balm.

He sees her every other weekend. He lives 120 miles away from us and he collects her and takes her on a Friday and back Sunday. I did used to do half the journey but he's so crap in other ways I stopped - I have an autistic child to him too and he just offers us no support what so ever.

Anyway it's been her birthday and it was her weekend to go to her dad's. She didn't want to go for various reasons:

She wanted a day out with her friends
She wanted to be at home
She knew her dad wouldn't put in much effort and she wouldn't feel like it was her birthday

Her dad wasn't happy with this and tried to convince her to come. She stuck to her guns and said no. I feel at the age of 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She has to travel a long way and why should she have to do that on her birthday weekend if she doesn't want too?

Anyway her dad messaged me and asked me for ideas for her birthday. I replied with the bits she wanted but I hadn't got her. None of these were expensive.

He didn't get her any of it. All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her. He is not short of money before anyone asks. Believe me - he's not.

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

It's no wonder she didn't want to go in the first place! Her gut was right

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 23/10/2023 20:25

How did he spend £60 on leggings, moisturiser and lip balm?

Notimeforaname · 23/10/2023 20:26

That's disappointing. And sad that she doesn't want to be with her dad. I guess it's not just the presents where he lacks thought or effort.

She clearly feels this from him. And yes at 12 I'd say she should get some say over if she wants to go or not.
Just take comfort in the fact that you do think of her and care for her in all the ways she needs.

Yanbu to be pissed off. I hope your daughter had a lovely birthday regardless.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2023 20:26

How has he spent £60 on leggings, a moisturiser and a lip balm?

What were you expecting him to spend?

I don’t know - it’s a bit crap you gave him ideas of what she wanted and he didn’t buy any but tbh £60 isn’t awful depending on what he earns. Doubled that’s £120 between 2 parents on a 12-year-old.

But I hear you that he’s generally a rubbish dad and no support to you.

Notimeforaname · 23/10/2023 20:27

How did he spend £60 on leggings, moisturiser and lip balm?

I also wanted to know this!

TiredMamOfTwo · 23/10/2023 20:28

How did he spend £60 on leggings, moisturiser and lip balm?

xxxndbm · 23/10/2023 20:29

i would assume they are Nike or something..

you have bigger fish to fry if he takes no interest in his other child, wow!! do you challenge him on this?

Lancrelady80 · 23/10/2023 20:30

YABU about £60 - that's pretty good for some people, you know!

YANBU about lack of effort given he had asked for ideas, you'd given suggestions ahe would like, yet somehow he felt it was better to ignore and go for meh presents.

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:30

The leggings were around £30
The moisturiser was £20 (which she didn't need as she already has it, it's a certain brand that she has started to like by a celebrity)
The lip balm is £10 from the same celebrity.

To be fair it's all branded stuff I suppose. Just none of it she needs or even wanted

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 20:30

£60 is a fairly average amount to spend on a 12 year old imo.
You’re letting other things influence you being irrationally worked up about this.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2023 20:31

I mean there’s Primark leggings and cheap lip balm & moisturiser or their Nike Pros and branded lip balm & a must-have moisturiser that a tween would covet - depends, really. I could see £60 spent on the latter (but also then DD would be happier, I’d guess?)

Thanksforreading · 23/10/2023 20:31

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:30

The leggings were around £30
The moisturiser was £20 (which she didn't need as she already has it, it's a certain brand that she has started to like by a celebrity)
The lip balm is £10 from the same celebrity.

To be fair it's all branded stuff I suppose. Just none of it she needs or even wanted

At least it’s everything that she uses

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 20:32

Branded sports leggings are expensive
Moisturiser and lip balm can be too if named

He spent £60 on her so brought decent stuff

Sorry but you sound ungrateful tbh

It's not like it was a £7 pair from Primark plus supermarket own brand toiletries.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2023 20:32

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:30

The leggings were around £30
The moisturiser was £20 (which she didn't need as she already has it, it's a certain brand that she has started to like by a celebrity)
The lip balm is £10 from the same celebrity.

To be fair it's all branded stuff I suppose. Just none of it she needs or even wanted

Ah, cross post.

Then I’d cut him some slack, honestly. He obviously knows what she’s into - and can you ever have ‘too much’ moisturiser? It’ll keep til she needs it.

TiredMamOfTwo · 23/10/2023 20:33

You made it sound like he went to primark & Poundland! If it's branded stuff you're being ungreatful.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 20:33

Cross posted

He's brought her brands she likes. So he's clearly paid attention!

She'll still get use out of it eventually. And presents don't have to be things she needs!

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:34

Lancrelady80 · 23/10/2023 20:30

YABU about £60 - that's pretty good for some people, you know!

YANBU about lack of effort given he had asked for ideas, you'd given suggestions ahe would like, yet somehow he felt it was better to ignore and go for meh presents.

Absolutely! As a single mum of 3 and a carer for my son, times are hard. But I've still managed. He is way better off than me financially. The stuff I sent him in total all cost under £100. Adding it up it was roughly £86.

She just didn't need any of the bits he actually bought her. He would have been better just giving her £60 cash.

It's not really about the presents though. It's more about how grumpy he got when she said she wasn't coming. I'm hoping this isn't why he didn't put much effort into her gifts. As some sort of punishment

OP posts:
wetnwindy49 · 23/10/2023 20:34

Very ungrateful

Ireallywantsomechips · 23/10/2023 20:36

Is it more like he’s only got exactly what she’s asked for and couldn’t use his imagination for some
chocolate, bath stuff or something? Because that is a bit rubbish for your own daughter but at least it is what she wants I suppose!

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:37

She already has the same leggings. Just these are a slightly different style.

Her disappointment on her face when she showed me what he got her was something else. I guess maybe she's ungrateful too. But there were bits on her list that I sent him. Those were the things she actually wanted that didn't cost much more.

He's just ignored that completely. I don't get why he asked me what to get and then not bother. He could have got her 1 or 2 bits for the same price.

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 23/10/2023 20:37

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:30

The leggings were around £30
The moisturiser was £20 (which she didn't need as she already has it, it's a certain brand that she has started to like by a celebrity)
The lip balm is £10 from the same celebrity.

To be fair it's all branded stuff I suppose. Just none of it she needs or even wanted

This comes across even more unreasonable really. Your OP is all about being outraged over the cost because you feel he can afford more.
But the actual items seem fairly well thought out. Branded leggings for a 12 year old, an expensive moisturiser that she already uses ( sure she still had one but it hardly lasts forever and birthdays/Christmas is a good opportunity to stock up on things like that) and a lip balm from the same range she likes? I mean, it seems quite considered, even though you want to think otherwise.

Ssme92 · 23/10/2023 20:38

So what it wasn't stuff she needed.... Its stuff she likes and used and will probably need at some stage in the future. Birthday presents aren't just about getting things you need. At least he knew what brand of moisturiser she uses.

The annoying thing in this situation is that he asked you for gift ideas and then went on to buy none of them. I hate shit like that. Why ask in the first place.

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 20:39

Actually you and your daughter sound ungrateful. He got her some fairly pricey moisturiser that he knows she uses. Wtf is wrong with that? It's not like moisturiser is a one off lasts forever gift so how does she not need it?

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 20:40

Ssme92 · 23/10/2023 20:38

So what it wasn't stuff she needed.... Its stuff she likes and used and will probably need at some stage in the future. Birthday presents aren't just about getting things you need. At least he knew what brand of moisturiser she uses.

The annoying thing in this situation is that he asked you for gift ideas and then went on to buy none of them. I hate shit like that. Why ask in the first place.

Maybe because OP's suggestions were all every day stuff the daughter 'needed' rather than treaty nice stuff.

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:40

Ssme92 · 23/10/2023 20:38

So what it wasn't stuff she needed.... Its stuff she likes and used and will probably need at some stage in the future. Birthday presents aren't just about getting things you need. At least he knew what brand of moisturiser she uses.

The annoying thing in this situation is that he asked you for gift ideas and then went on to buy none of them. I hate shit like that. Why ask in the first place.

Thank you. That's my point. There were bits that she actually wanted. None of these were hard to buy or expensive

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 20:41

She is ungrateful.

Those are good presents.

Some kids don't get even that much from the other parents despite them being well off (not on about genuinely struggling parents)