I know gifts aren't everything but....

[orangecandles]

My ex bought my 12 year old daughter the following for her birthday:

1x pair of leggings
1x moisturiser
1x lip balm.

He sees her every other weekend. He lives 120 miles away from us and he collects her and takes her on a Friday and back Sunday. I did used to do half the journey but he's so crap in other ways I stopped - I have an autistic child to him too and he just offers us no support what so ever.

Anyway it's been her birthday and it was her weekend to go to her dad's. She didn't want to go for various reasons:

She wanted a day out with her friends
She wanted to be at home
She knew her dad wouldn't put in much effort and she wouldn't feel like it was her birthday

Her dad wasn't happy with this and tried to convince her to come. She stuck to her guns and said no. I feel at the age of 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She has to travel a long way and why should she have to do that on her birthday weekend if she doesn't want too?

Anyway her dad messaged me and asked me for ideas for her birthday. I replied with the bits she wanted but I hadn't got her. None of these were expensive.

He didn't get her any of it. All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her. He is not short of money before anyone asks. Believe me - he's not.

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

It's no wonder she didn't want to go in the first place! Her gut was right

He sounds awful. DD would like x - he goes out and buys her y . Very unthoughtful and shows he doesn’t put her first, even on her birthday.

I think the point the OP is making is that the gifts where completely thoughtless and wasn't selected from the list the OP gave him..... after HE asked!

YANBU. He could've put more thought in.

Then that's fine. Sounds a nice gift. You made out like he bought it all from Primark and it wasn't special

It’s not special though. He ignored the list of special things.

yes he asked you for ideas but maybe he then went shopping and found some things he thought she would like

its not for you to decide what she wants and needs or what he should get her

Yes exactly. I hold my hands up that I tend to miss the important bits and realise as people point them out.

The gifts that were remaining on the list weren't that expensive. Dd had wrote the shop and price down. All of them put together were slightly more but she would have been happy with anything off that list. If he was going to spend the amount he did, I just don't understand why he didn't get her some of what she asked for.

We've always done it where she writes one list for me and I pass it on. He gets what he can of what is left. Never had this issue before - it just seems to be now when she's got a mind of her own and making her own decisions about seeing him.

I think £60 is a good amount to spend on a 12 year old, considering she has another parent who will spend at least the same amount.

My child doesn’t get £120 for a birthday. It’s not about what you can afford but children need to learn the value in things.

If they want £30 leggings rather than a cheap primark pair etc. they get less gifts. That’s an important lesson to learn.

I have an Amazon wish list of items I want
People know and have access to this list

They buy me things they think I'd like that aren't on the list

I'd be ungrateful if I moaned about them getting me something I like but didn't have on the list...

Sound like decent presents to me.
If it makes you feel any less hard done to, my ex husband forgot ds's 12th birthday 2 weeks ago, completely forgot about it. So no card, no present, no phone call, nothing.

She doesn't expect to have hundreds spent on her. She was just hoping both her parents would stick to her list and get her the things she has thought about.
None of them were expensive. No fancy electricals etc. her lists are always full of love hearts and pleases and thank you's.

She's not ungrateful as she's been made out to be on here. She said thank you to her dad and hugged him as I've already said. He has no idea how she feels.

He always gets a few bits from her list. He replied to me when I sent him her list saying 'not a problem' so I took that as he would get his gifts form the list.

I don't know why he had chosen not too and I'm not going to ask.

My post was not about money. It was about the fact that she didn't want to spend the day with her dad because she knew he wouldn't make her feel special. And he hasn't.

I don't think she expected it to be with the gifts. She was worried as he was giving her a hard time when she said she didn't want to go. She then went out of her way to think of something where we could all spend the day together. So she saw mum and dad. He didn't bother to come.

She was feeling let down before she opened her gifts

The post was about money. Hence you added up what he spent.

You’ve also already said this man does a 240 mile round trip to collect his daughter and does ANOTHER 240 mile round trip to drop her off!

That doesn’t sound like a dead beat dad to me!

I am sure he has his issues like everyone does but your daughter is being ungrateful here and you are encouraging it because you don’t like him.

I don't think I even knew £20 moisturiser existed when I was 12.

She then went out of her way to think of something where we could all spend the day together. So she saw mum and dad. He didn't bother to come.

You said earlier it was because he said he
was too overweight to go on the rides. Which means it wasn't something you could all do without causing him some embarrassment and that he had already expressed he wouldn't be coming...

Yes because his parents force him to do so. So they can see their grandchildren. As I've said, he drops them off with his parents the majority of the time.

He was also the one that chose to move so far away.

I added it all up in comparison to what she wanted on the list which was £86. Fair enough though - I didn't add that bit straight away so I'll hold my hands up to that.

So? I didn't go on any rides because I hate them but I still went.

She understands that and didn't force me to go on any. She wouldn't have done for her dad either.

The day is for my daughter. Not me. I enjoyed seeing her happy and that's enough for me.

Can you imagine if I made a post saying 'my daughter wants to go to a theme park for her birthday but I hate rides so she's not going, aibu?'

I get it.

ex used to do this. My DC would ask for one thing and he’d deliberately get something similar but not the one on the list.

for example DC desperately wanted a specific book. It wasn’t expensive birthday gift to ask for, and that’s all she’d asked for from him (and he could afford a lot more than the four quid it was being sold for). And he got her a book, completely different and not anything she would enjoy reading.

your ex could have got your dd anything off the list you gave him, if he wanted to stick to a £60 budget he could have bought her fewer items. He chose not to. Of course she’s disappointed her dad isn’t interested in what she wants. It’s a gift he should have been buying what she’d asked for.

Yeah me neither at 12. She's had it for ages, it was a Xmas gift for last year. She doesn't use it because it's so expensive so it's only on special occasions she will put some on. Or if she gets a little spot or blemish 😊

You choosing not to go on rides because you don’t like them isn’t the same as being too overweight to get on them and being embarrassed and humiliated in front of the ex who clearly doesn’t like you.

His parents cannot force him to drive almost 500 miles to see his child. Believe me if that was the case my ex’s parents would force their son to drive 10 miles and see his son but they can’t so they drive and visit instead.

Why start an AIBU just to argue everyone telling you that yes you are? You clearly have decided yourself that he is the bad guy and nothing will sway you otherwise. It’s just sad that this is not a healthy attitude to encourage in your child.

Nice gifts for a twelve yr old.
He likely used her list as inspiration and thought it would be lovely to get some surprises, for example, the celebrity lip balm that matches the moisturizer she loves.
He probably thought he'd done a great job.
How very wrong he was.

I agree with you op it’s another way he is showing you that he’s not really doing what your children want or need , he’s ignored what you both have asked for.

Not liking rides and being unable to ride them due to being overweight are NOT the same

One is infinitely more embarrassing and personal.

He may also have felt its a lot of money to spend to be unable to go on the rides

I don't like the itemised list with prices and shops on it. Just doesn't seem in the spirit of gift giving. By all means give a few ideas, I'd like some new earbuds, or I really liked those Lulu lemon leggings you bought me before, I love their clothing.

To give a shopping list just feels a bit off.
He bought her things and brands she likes and uses, perfect maybe not, suitable and thought about, yes. He travels 240 miles round trip to see her.

Also you're separated why would you spend her birthday together as a family when you clearly don't like him?
It's ok OP we get that he's a cheater who's too fat to go on roller coasters, so deserves any vitriol going spare.

Is he shit regarding your other child absolutely, should be do more with her when she's there, almost definitely, but that's not what you're complaining about.

His parents do. They communicate with me more than he does. For example it's half term. They messaged me to say they would like to have the dc towards the end of the week. They have spoken to my ex and he will collect them on at a specific time and drop them off at a specific time. It's been like this for years. The time the dc are with their dad, they are not. They are with their grandparents. I've done many posts about this before. He might call in and see them after his finished work - usually one night but that's all.

We've had constant conversations over the years about how he will do better but it never happens. His parents however are absolutely amazing. I'm extremely grateful to them. They used to do a lot of the journeys themselves but are no longer able too. I still meet them half way if they want to see the dc extra. They tell me
I shouldn't do the journeys because of everything else I have on my plate with my son. They are appalled by his behaviour as a father.

As for the weight - my daughter understood this. She wouldn't be asking him to go on any rides. There's other things there like a huge crazy golf course and a giant maze. It was the only thing she could think of to try keep her dad happy and do something fun on her birthday.

OP, your ex does sound like a twat in general. However, this is the problem:

She was just hoping both her parents would stick to her list and get her the things she has thought about.

Lots of people just hate this sort of gift giving. It is actually pointless because it requires precisely zero thought on the part of the buyer and is zero surprise to the receiver. It is soulless, imo.

Perhaps encourage DD to recognise the value in giving a thoughtful gift (ie one that shows you know the person and their interests). That is clearly what her dad has done here.

Because she didn't want to let her dad down. He was making her feel bad about not wanting to spend the weekend with him so she chose something that she thought he could be apart of. So they could still see each other on her birthday.