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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know gifts aren't everything but....

150 replies

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:22

My ex bought my 12 year old daughter the following for her birthday:

1x pair of leggings
1x moisturiser
1x lip balm.

He sees her every other weekend. He lives 120 miles away from us and he collects her and takes her on a Friday and back Sunday. I did used to do half the journey but he's so crap in other ways I stopped - I have an autistic child to him too and he just offers us no support what so ever.

Anyway it's been her birthday and it was her weekend to go to her dad's. She didn't want to go for various reasons:

She wanted a day out with her friends
She wanted to be at home
She knew her dad wouldn't put in much effort and she wouldn't feel like it was her birthday

Her dad wasn't happy with this and tried to convince her to come. She stuck to her guns and said no. I feel at the age of 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She has to travel a long way and why should she have to do that on her birthday weekend if she doesn't want too?

Anyway her dad messaged me and asked me for ideas for her birthday. I replied with the bits she wanted but I hadn't got her. None of these were expensive.

He didn't get her any of it. All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her. He is not short of money before anyone asks. Believe me - he's not.

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

It's no wonder she didn't want to go in the first place! Her gut was right

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:18

I'm guessing your issue is actually because you dislike him so much and you've projected this so hard your daughter knows and dislikes him because of your attitude...

Zanatdy · 23/10/2023 21:21

£60 isn’t too bad to be honest. It sounds like he lets her down in many other ways and this is the age they start to refuse to go. My ex doesn’t always get a birthday gift for our 2 kids. He never celebrated bdays as a child (his religion) and he’s a bit weird around them. He clearly think I spend too much on them (probably do) but he knows they aren’t spoilt or ask for expensive things. He either gets nothing or goes OTT with a £600 laptop

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:21

Cross posted with another big old drip feed. Which has only happened because you aren't getting all the sympathy and agreement with your ungrateful nature that you wanted

stayathomer · 23/10/2023 21:23

Ah okay, op, that’s rough x

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:23

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:18

I'm guessing your issue is actually because you dislike him so much and you've projected this so hard your daughter knows and dislikes him because of your attitude...

No sadly. It was his birthday a few days before my daughters. Every year I get him cards and a small gift and post it up. I do it for Father's Day, Xmas etc. I get nothing back from him but I try to be as healthy in co parenting as I can for my dc sake.

My daughter won't even speak to him in between visits so I act on her behalf when she feels she needs to speak to him but can't.

I can be painted as the villain here and that's fine. I have never slagged him off to my daughter. She's just figuring it out for herself now I guess.

She's far from ungrateful. She just wishes she had a dad who was more involved in her. Not sure what's wrong with that but anyway.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:26

I said I cross posted with your massive drip feed

But, being sad at presents which cost around £60 and are things you actually do LIKE is ungrateful.

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:28

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:26

I said I cross posted with your massive drip feed

But, being sad at presents which cost around £60 and are things you actually do LIKE is ungrateful.

She thought her dad was getting her the bits off her list that's all.

She said thank you and hugged her dad. I guess she is just comfortable to talk to me about it. She would never act like she didn't like something in front of someone. She isn't a bad kid.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:32

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:28

She thought her dad was getting her the bits off her list that's all.

She said thank you and hugged her dad. I guess she is just comfortable to talk to me about it. She would never act like she didn't like something in front of someone. She isn't a bad kid.

Show quote history

She made it obvious to you that this £60 worth of gifts which includes brands she likes, which means some attention has to have been paid, weren't good enough because she expected differently

Sorry but that does indeed sound ungrateful to me

If he was trying to "punish" her he could have just brought her a cheap bar of chocolate in a flavour she doesn't like and left it at that. He brought her things she would actually use and are things she's likes.

PeachCastle · 23/10/2023 21:52

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 20:32

Branded sports leggings are expensive
Moisturiser and lip balm can be too if named

He spent £60 on her so brought decent stuff

Sorry but you sound ungrateful tbh

It's not like it was a £7 pair from Primark plus supermarket own brand toiletries.

It's BOUGHT not BROUGHT!

Bought =buy
Brought = bring

Why do seemingly 99% adults not understand this!

tealcat · 23/10/2023 21:57

PeachCastle · 23/10/2023 21:52

It's BOUGHT not BROUGHT!

Bought =buy
Brought = bring

Why do seemingly 99% adults not understand this!

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Here’s your medal 🏅👏

ETA: I thought it was my post as it was similar, but it still stands. My autocorrect does this. What a rude post.

I know gifts aren't everything but....
Goodornot · 23/10/2023 21:58

All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her

That's a lot of money and more than many get. It wasn't a cheap pair of primark vlack leggings they were decent branded.

So what she had the moisturiser already she likes it and now has another.

He bought her decent quality clothes and toiletries what would you rather he bought her?

notgettinganyyounger · 23/10/2023 22:02

Did he send these gifts in the post? She didn't go and stay so perhaps he was going to take her out for her birthday?

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 22:36

MN is a funny place. One minute it’s all 12 is a funny age, you must respect all feelings and next it’s urgh ungrateful 12 yr old pah!

@orangecandles, I don’t think your DD was ungrateful at all. She didn’t think her dad would make a fuss of her on her birthday and he didn’t. Buying someone random items that you think they might like instead of the actual items on their list is not thoughtful when you have a) asked for the list or b) are dealing with a 12 yr old who is already feeling sensitive about the dad/daughter dynamic. I reckon he deliberately bought off list so that she didn’t get the stuff she actually wanted but would be forced to smile and be grateful in case the ungrateful brigade turned up at her door armed with their pitchforks. Your girl is no fool, she can see her dad for who he is, and forcing her to be grateful in these circumstances is gaslighting her.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 22:46

Buying someone random items that you think they might like

They weren't though, were they? They were specifically things she DID like and DID use. Not random or things he though she might like

Wonkasworld · 23/10/2023 22:51

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:18

I'm guessing your issue is actually because you dislike him so much and you've projected this so hard your daughter knows and dislikes him because of your attitude...

Exactly what I was thinking.

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 22:52

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 22:46

Buying someone random items that you think they might like

They weren't though, were they? They were specifically things she DID like and DID use. Not random or things he though she might like

Which she didn’t want or ask for …

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 22:54

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 22:52

Which she didn’t want or ask for …

Show quote history

And yet he knew the specific brand of moisturiser she already uses and bought her another one. £20 on moisturiser is a huge amount of money at 12

Not so dead beat he doesn't know what she likes.

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 22:59

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 22:54

And yet he knew the specific brand of moisturiser she already uses and bought her another one. £20 on moisturiser is a huge amount of money at 12

Not so dead beat he doesn't know what she likes.

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Which she didn’t want or ask for …

ssedrat · 23/10/2023 23:00

For the life of god can you stop referring to gifts as "bits"

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 23:01

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 22:59

Which she didn’t want or ask for …

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Must a 12 year old get everything they want? Her mum says she doesn't want them. Maybe she did.

I just can't imagine being bought £60 worth of presents at 12 and slagging the person off who bought them.

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 23:02

My husband likes a specific brand of wine. If I ask him what he would like for his birthday and he sends me a link to a specific shirt he would like in response, I wouldn’t consider him ungrateful if he was disappointed that I chose to buy him the wine.

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 23:03

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 23:01

Must a 12 year old get everything they want? Her mum says she doesn't want them. Maybe she did.

I just can't imagine being bought £60 worth of presents at 12 and slagging the person off who bought them.

Show quote history

Did the DD slag off her dad?

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 23:04

@Goodornot just catching up,

Can you please refer to the part where I've said my daughter 'slagged him off' please?

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 23/10/2023 23:05

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:18

Prepared to get accused of drip feeding again...

She usually goes and he drops her off at his mums. She rarely stays at her dad's. More at her Nanas house and he goes home. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't move from the sofa and she's on FaceTime to me most of the day because she's bored.

She had made me ask her dad in the weeks running up to her birthday what the plan would be if she spent her weekend with him. They don't speak to each other hardly between visits. He kept saying he didn't know and he would sort something. It's been a huge worry for her. She knew that he wouldn't sort anything. It got to a week before and nothing had been sorted. Rang ex one last time and he got so grumpy about it all. So she made a choice not to go.

She then decided she wanted to go to a theme park which is half way between us and him in the hope that he would come so she got to spend her day with me and her dad and her friends.

Her dad's response was he is too over weight to go on any rides so he wouldn't be going.

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So he farms his daughter out to his mother’s so that he doesn’t have to spend time with his mother.

What a prince.

CherryMaDeara · 23/10/2023 23:07

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 23:01

Must a 12 year old get everything they want? Her mum says she doesn't want them. Maybe she did.

I just can't imagine being bought £60 worth of presents at 12 and slagging the person off who bought them.

Show quote history

Yes, generally, you get dc what they WANT for their birthday yes.

He didn’t get the things OP suggested to punish dd for not visiting. He would have dropped dd off at his mum’s and congratulated himself on giving his mum birthday girl company.