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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know gifts aren't everything but....

150 replies

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:22

My ex bought my 12 year old daughter the following for her birthday:

1x pair of leggings
1x moisturiser
1x lip balm.

He sees her every other weekend. He lives 120 miles away from us and he collects her and takes her on a Friday and back Sunday. I did used to do half the journey but he's so crap in other ways I stopped - I have an autistic child to him too and he just offers us no support what so ever.

Anyway it's been her birthday and it was her weekend to go to her dad's. She didn't want to go for various reasons:

She wanted a day out with her friends
She wanted to be at home
She knew her dad wouldn't put in much effort and she wouldn't feel like it was her birthday

Her dad wasn't happy with this and tried to convince her to come. She stuck to her guns and said no. I feel at the age of 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She has to travel a long way and why should she have to do that on her birthday weekend if she doesn't want too?

Anyway her dad messaged me and asked me for ideas for her birthday. I replied with the bits she wanted but I hadn't got her. None of these were expensive.

He didn't get her any of it. All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her. He is not short of money before anyone asks. Believe me - he's not.

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

It's no wonder she didn't want to go in the first place! Her gut was right

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 23/10/2023 20:41

£60 is a lot for a birthday for many children. to moan about that is shocking

She uses said moisturiser. Hers will run out then she can use the one her dad got her

Same for the lip balm.

You just don't like him and it shows

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:42

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 20:39

Actually you and your daughter sound ungrateful. He got her some fairly pricey moisturiser that he knows she uses. Wtf is wrong with that? It's not like moisturiser is a one off lasts forever gift so how does she not need it?

There's nothing wrong with it. But why buy it when he's asked what she would like and then ignores it completely?

OP posts:
Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:46

quietnightmare · 23/10/2023 20:41

£60 is a lot for a birthday for many children. to moan about that is shocking

She uses said moisturiser. Hers will run out then she can use the one her dad got her

Same for the lip balm.

You just don't like him and it shows

Considering we have a severely autistic son together who he abandoned after cheating on me various times and then moved to the other side of the country leaving me alone ....no he's not my favourite person in the world...

OP posts:
Ssme92 · 23/10/2023 20:53

OP if he had spent £60 on things on your list would you think it was enough?

I actually don't necessarily think money spent on gifts should relate to our earnings. One person spending £60 on a 12 year old is plenty imo tbh!

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 20:55

£60 is more than enough to spend though… yes he could’ve got her something on the list you sent but I don’t think £69 is stingy.

MinnieL · 23/10/2023 20:58

I genuinely thought you meant £5 Primark leggings, Carmex and a Nivea cream.

YAB soooo U. Since when are birthday presents only appreciated if it’s something that the person really wanted. It may not have been top of her list but it’s still nice to receive right? It seems like he actually thought of the stuff that she likes (getting branded stuff by a celebrity that she likes) instead of picking up any old riff raff

junbean · 23/10/2023 20:58

It's not the gifts or the cost of them, it's the lack of thought or care. It's an outward sign of the shit dad he is.

BouncyBallBall · 23/10/2023 20:59

junbean · 23/10/2023 20:58

It's not the gifts or the cost of them, it's the lack of thought or care. It's an outward sign of the shit dad he is.

They sound like very thoughtful gifts- based on her likes

tealcat · 23/10/2023 21:00

YABU.

£60 is a decent amount; I’ve never had more than that spent on me by my parents and I don’t feel hard done by.

He also bought her things that he knows she likes and will use. Her moisturiser and lip balm will run out and then she’ll have replacements ready. What’s wrong with another pair of leggings when she wears them and they’re a slightly different style? They’re not cheap either!

You’re just unhappy because he didn’t get things on your list.

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:01

Ssme92 · 23/10/2023 20:53

OP if he had spent £60 on things on your list would you think it was enough?

I actually don't necessarily think money spent on gifts should relate to our earnings. One person spending £60 on a 12 year old is plenty imo tbh!

So I sent him a photo of her list. She had actually put the prices on too and which shops they were from so he could see that too. I told him the things I hadn't got her and that she would be more than happy to get any of those bits that were left.

I just wonder if because she didn't want to spend her birthday with him that he just didn't bother getting her what she actually wanted. She never actually wants to send him her birthday/xmas lists. She won't ever ask for anything from him.

I just feel I have to fight her corner as I do with my son. She's a good girl, works hard at school, never in trouble, a good friend, loyal, respectful, polite etc. She just struggles to say no to her dad. She worries about letting him down.

OP posts:
junbean · 23/10/2023 21:02

BouncyBallBall · 23/10/2023 20:59

They sound like very thoughtful gifts- based on her likes

Show quote history

Really? OP already stated she didn't want or need them AND she had given him guidance beforehand that he ignored. How is that thoughtful exactly?

TrishM80 · 23/10/2023 21:05

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:46

Considering we have a severely autistic son together who he abandoned after cheating on me various times and then moved to the other side of the country leaving me alone ....no he's not my favourite person in the world...

Show quote history

Drip feed alert.....

This thread isn't about presents at all, it's just an excuse for a rant.

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:05

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 20:55

£60 is more than enough to spend though… yes he could’ve got her something on the list you sent but I don’t think £69 is stingy.

I'm not saying other wise. I've said he isn't short of money because I don't want anyone coming at me with 'how do you know what he can afford?'

It's not that. It's that he's got her things she doesn't want or need.

She's got the leggings already. Same brand. These are slightly different. She doesn't want another pair.

Same with the moisturiser. She's got it. She barely uses it as it's expensive. It's more for show - she has it out on her dressing table but she uses her 'simple' moisturiser every day.

If he knew her at all like a proper parent should then he would know that these are not gifts that would bring her any sort of joy.

OP posts:
Notsuredontknow · 23/10/2023 21:06

The fixation on how much he’s spent is sad - why does that matter? You say it’s not about material things but are totting up how much you’ve each spent. He sounds useless and thoughtless in other ways but I don’t think he’s done much wrong here

stayathomer · 23/10/2023 21:08

Sorry I think yabu, I think that’s a present you’d expect a 12yo to like and I think it’s a bit mad you say he’s crap but when he really wants to see her on her birthday you say her choice, leave her to it etc etc-a 12 yo will pick friends over anyone but sometimes you have to remind them to spend a bit of time with family

Mrsgreen100 · 23/10/2023 21:09

My ex just gave his 20 year old a bar of chocolate, some cash in their account forgot the card
oh and his daughter has never liked or eaten chocolate
arse hole father
she was heartbroken , just not what loving looks like

Theunamedcat · 23/10/2023 21:09

He sounds like my ex asks me for a list I ask the children what they want from him specifically (I give him a seperate list so we don't buy the same thing as they have limited niche tastes) he doesn't buy what they have asked for buys something completely different expects them to love it gets peeved when they don't for 18 months ds asked for the same gift off him two birthdays and a Christmas he didn't get it for him so big sister bought it instead he loves it

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:10

Notsuredontknow · 23/10/2023 21:06

The fixation on how much he’s spent is sad - why does that matter? You say it’s not about material things but are totting up how much you’ve each spent. He sounds useless and thoughtless in other ways but I don’t think he’s done much wrong here

Because what she actually wanted didn't cost much more.

So when asking for the list, why couldn't he have bought a couple of things that were that actually she asked for? These would have been the same price.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 23/10/2023 21:10

Sorry, pressed send too soon

If he knew her at all like a proper parent should then he would know that these are not gifts that would bring her any sort of joy.
Youd only know this stuff if you lived with them. Nobody in my family would have known the moisturiser I used or the lip balm I used. Leggings, yes, possibly

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 21:10

junbean · 23/10/2023 21:02

Really? OP already stated she didn't want or need them AND she had given him guidance beforehand that he ignored. How is that thoughtful exactly?

Show quote history

They were the brands she uses

Which means he must have paid some attention

Fireisland · 23/10/2023 21:11

She sounds ungrateful, which presumably she's learnt from you

I have a 12yo DD and I don't think she's ever been disappointed with any present. If she has, she's never shown it. She'd be over the moon with those presents.

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 21:11

orangecandles · 23/10/2023 20:42

There's nothing wrong with it. But why buy it when he's asked what she would like and then ignores it completely?

Show quote history

Because you gave him crap options? Because he had a moment of inspiration? Because your word isn't law?

TeenLifeMum · 23/10/2023 21:14

He spent an okay amount on things he thought she’d like. I don’t think you should be having a strong opinion because he didn’t buy what you believe he should. Don’t get me wrong, he’s more than likely an awful ex but it sounds like he tried despite her basically saying she didn’t want to be with him. That’s hurtful, surely you can see that. There’s probably plan to be annoyed with him about but I don’t think this is one for that list.

nosyupnorth · 23/10/2023 21:18

She sounds spoilt/ungrateful and you sound like you're encouraging it - it was a perfectly reasonable sum of money to spend on gifts and reflects her interests, now she has a second bottle of the moisturiser she so admires perhaps she'll be more willing to actually use it instead of keeping it for display. So what if they weren't the exact items on her list? At 12 she should know that creating a list of things she wants for her birthday doesn't make her automatically entitled to get them.

Original poster
orangecandles · 23/10/2023 21:18

stayathomer · 23/10/2023 21:08

Sorry I think yabu, I think that’s a present you’d expect a 12yo to like and I think it’s a bit mad you say he’s crap but when he really wants to see her on her birthday you say her choice, leave her to it etc etc-a 12 yo will pick friends over anyone but sometimes you have to remind them to spend a bit of time with family

Prepared to get accused of drip feeding again...

She usually goes and he drops her off at his mums. She rarely stays at her dad's. More at her Nanas house and he goes home. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't move from the sofa and she's on FaceTime to me most of the day because she's bored.

She had made me ask her dad in the weeks running up to her birthday what the plan would be if she spent her weekend with him. They don't speak to each other hardly between visits. He kept saying he didn't know and he would sort something. It's been a huge worry for her. She knew that he wouldn't sort anything. It got to a week before and nothing had been sorted. Rang ex one last time and he got so grumpy about it all. So she made a choice not to go.

She then decided she wanted to go to a theme park which is half way between us and him in the hope that he would come so she got to spend her day with me and her dad and her friends.

Her dad's response was he is too over weight to go on any rides so he wouldn't be going.

OP posts: