I know gifts aren't everything but....

[orangecandles]

My ex bought my 12 year old daughter the following for her birthday:

1x pair of leggings
1x moisturiser
1x lip balm.

He sees her every other weekend. He lives 120 miles away from us and he collects her and takes her on a Friday and back Sunday. I did used to do half the journey but he's so crap in other ways I stopped - I have an autistic child to him too and he just offers us no support what so ever.

Anyway it's been her birthday and it was her weekend to go to her dad's. She didn't want to go for various reasons:

She wanted a day out with her friends
She wanted to be at home
She knew her dad wouldn't put in much effort and she wouldn't feel like it was her birthday

Her dad wasn't happy with this and tried to convince her to come. She stuck to her guns and said no. I feel at the age of 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She has to travel a long way and why should she have to do that on her birthday weekend if she doesn't want too?

Anyway her dad messaged me and asked me for ideas for her birthday. I replied with the bits she wanted but I hadn't got her. None of these were expensive.

He didn't get her any of it. All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her. He is not short of money before anyone asks. Believe me - he's not.

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

It's no wonder she didn't want to go in the first place! Her gut was right

The only thing she could think of to keep him happy yet she choose a theme park knowing it would exclude her dad? And then was upset he didn’t come?

I have a friend who cannot fit on rides due to her weight. It MORTIFIES her. I wouldn’t dream of inviting her to a theme park and put her in that awkward position. If I want to spend a day with her I choose something she can actually take part in.

Choosing something she can’t take part in would be selfish. And 12 year olds are selfish in general so that’s fine. But then she can’t expect him to come. And she certainly can’t be ungrateful for what sounds like very nice gifts because they are not exactly what she asked for. It’s a gift not a demand. You don’t get to choose what someone else gifts you!

Point taken. Thank you

What takes less thought than fulfilling the items on an order form of desired gifts (complete with suggested vendors and prices)?

He probably thought it was thoughtful to buy some leggings similar to ones she has and likes, so she's always got a pair clean while the other's in the wash, fancy moisturiser to replace the one she treasures (how's he to know she's using it primarily as an ornament? most people would've finished a tube bought for them at Christmas by now, even if using sparingly), and something else nice from the same range. Part of the joy of gifts can be receiving something you didn't expect or wouldn't have thought of, chosen for you by someone who knows you well enough to get something you'd like. Sounds like he was trying to show he cares enough to pay attention to her and put some effort into buying her gifts, rather than just purchasing specified products which shows little more thought than just handing over cash. TBH if there's no joy for her in getting surprises she likes, maybe it would be better to ask for money instead. Money is a nice gift, especially for a teenager, even if there's not much "thought" in it.

She's 12 years old! She shouldn't have to be thinking like this in the first place! Why should she have all this on her shoulders on her own birthday?

Why at 12 years old should she be even thinking she has to please her parents so she doesn't disappoint them?

She didn't even want to go to a theme park. She wanted a shopping trip and to see Taylor swift at the cinema with her friends - which is only on for a short amount of time so no we couldn't do that another day. She felt she had to include her dad some how. Not to mention her dad took her to this theme park himself only 2 years ago! It wasn't an issue then!

Is it her fault her dad is over weight? No.

Could he come and we can just make a joke about us holding all the bags and coats while the kids go off and have fun? Yes we could! Because it's about our daughter! Not what her dad wants to do on her own birthday!

YOU are the one who specifically said she knew he was too overweight to go on the rides. So she clearly did think of it. But even if she didn’t you as an adult can. And suggest something else if she wants her dad to come and do the theme park a different day. You as a parent are the one who when she moans about her gifts tells her she shouldn’t expect to demand gifts and get them and that she should be grateful for her gifts. She is being a typical 12 year old. You are letting your feelings for this man dictate how you teach your daughter manners.

There’s a bigger issue here than some bloody leggings OP Jesus

Where have I said my daughter knew he was too over weight? Please point it out to me.

I have said she wouldn't have forced him to go on any rides because she wouldn't have. She's not that nagging type. If he went and explained he wouldn't be going on any rides, he was just there to see her then she would have accepted that no problem.

I've also said my daughter thanked her dad for her gifts and hugged him. I talked about the disappointment on her face but that's about it. Again, show me where I am wrong.

she chose something that she thought he could be apart of.

No. She chose something she wanted to do that he couldn't enjoy! It's fine for her to want to go to the theme park but stop making out like it was something for all of you when you don't like rides and he can't fit on them!

This useless lump took her to the theme park 2 years ago? Doesn't seem to fit with anything else you've said

Also. 2 years ago it wasn't an issue. Doesn't mean he hasn't put weight on since then! And joking about holding the bags might be funny to YOU because you aren't going on due to disliking the rides, to him it's mocking his weight.

Acknowledge that this is about how much you despise this man and how he can do no right in your eyes. You will be projecting this and your daughter will have picked up on it. Its entirely possible she then projects this whilst around him which is why he avoids her.

OP - AIBU?

Almost every person who responds - YES!

OP - But but but, no I’m not, massive drip feed to try and argue they are not BU

Every single time!

Dull and boring birthday presents. On my 13th my parents gave me a gold necklace with my birthstone, several outfits, and a bike. Plus special birthday dinner with my friends. Oh, and a kitten!!!

From now on I'll make sure my daughter should not expect any birthday presents from her father that she actually wants. It's not ok for her to hope she gets a couple of bits that she actually wants or needs. How dare she think this way! Because no parent should ever buy their child what they actually would like. She's just ungrateful. Even though she doesn't show it - she's ungrateful.

I'll teach her that she cannot do whatever she would like on her own birthday because it might upset her dad. Despite the fact he doesn't give her the time of day most of the time - she must make she that he is happy with her plans on her own birthday. If he's not happy with it for whatever reason, I'll make sure she thinks of something else that he is comfortable with. Even though he spends very little time with her anyway, he it's so wrong of her to hope he could do it on her own birthday. You know....the one special day we have each year that is supposed to be about us.

I'll remind her of that she really can't express any sort sadness towards her dad because again....she's being ungrateful. Not that she did. Her face told me it all. And I understood why. We're both ungrateful though. I get it. It's not like he pressured her to see him on her births yet refusing to actually organise anything for it and then not showing up to what she wanted to do. She has no real reason to be disappointed! She's just clearly being brought up spoilt and ungrateful by me.

Some really great boundaries for her there! I'm sure with this way of thinking, she will go far in life and be full to the brim of self esteem! She won't be a people pleaser at all! She won't think she has to please everyone else in order for anyone to actually love her. I'm sure she won't find a man that will would take this for granted and walk all over her as she's had such a positive role model in her own father who can't even spend one day feeling uncomfortable for his own daughter on her birthday when he wasn't actually prepared to do anything special for her himself!

I'll teach her that she cannot do whatever she would like on her own birthday because it might upset her dad.

I literally said it was fine for her to do what she wanted to do but ok.

WHY did you come on to AIBU and ask if you were BU if you were just going to argue and double down when told you were BU?

She got presents which were things she uses and brands she likes and which cost £60, a not small amount of money. She was disappointed because it wasn't things she'd demanded (yes, writing a list with shops can be seen as demanding). She chose an activity which was unsuitable for him and he declined because it was unsuitable for him. Neither is wrong there. The issue is you trying to insist the activity chosen was a suitable one for ALL of you when it wasn't suitable for 2/3s of those attending. YOU may have been happy spending money to just hold the bags, he doesn't have to be. It doesn't make him a bad dad (some of the other stuff does but that is literally irrelevant to the point of this post which was about her birthday GIFTS).

Oh, and if she spent that much time picking ab activity everyone could go to.... she's already becoming a people pleaser. So you might be too late there.

Op I think he’s a dick personally and him doing this highlights his lack of effort
Can’t believe he doesn’t support his son with difficulties.
Hopefully your daughter will make her own mind up soon enough and not bother with him. Sorry your daughter was upset.

Why is it that suddenly at 12 years old he decides to start buying off the birthday list when he has previously just bought what is on it? Why contort yourself so hard to fight the corner of a deadbeat dad who was obviously trying to surreptitiously punish his DD?

And for every post saying the OP is being unreasonable there’s another saying she’s perfectly reasonable.

My ex didn't even send our dcs text messages for their birthdays this year.

£60 on things she uses doesn't seem so bad to me.

No
The majority think she is unreasonable.
If there was a poll option it would be clearer

Yeah, this.

That a child has been trained to be disappointed in a decent array of gifts is shameful. Shameful. Many kids would be thrilled with 60 quid worth of celebrity-branded merchandise.

They sound thoughtful. Better than buying off the mum's list actually. He made an effort.

People should accept any gift gratefully. Pouting because a merchandise list wasn't followed is a real distortion of the meaning of gift giving.

We weren't asked what we wanted or allowed to dictate a shopping list for our parents. We were happy and grateful to receive whatever surprises they selected.

Your daughter unfortunately is in for a long hard life if at age 12 she's already "disappointed" with reasonably generous birthday gifts.

I don’t think your daughter sounds ungrateful at all OP.

She wrote a list and her dad got her nothing from it. If he did that because he was annoyed at her not choosing to spend the weekend with him, he’s an immature arse. If he’s done it for any other reason, why is that? Shes 12, if the stuff on the list is in budget and age appropriate, why wouldn’t he buy it? I’m not surprised she’s a bit disappointed and that you obviously feel sad for her.

She also sounds very emotionally mature, very aware of others feelings and trying to please everyone, but you need to let her know that at 12, as long as she’s respectful, it’s not for her to shoulder the burden of keeping everyone happy. That’s a lot of responsibility for such a young child.

This thing that she should be grateful for anything he bought, I wonder how many mumsnetters would be happy if they asked for something as a gift from their partner, only for their partner to buy something else entirely that they already had. Should we be grateful for that really? Fuck that! I see it as the partner ignoring your wishes, and it’s no different to what this father has done to his daughter. This girl was still polite and said thank you, but it’s ok that she’s a bit disappointed. It’s also normal that OP is upset for her daughter.

OP, this man needs to realise that if he doesn’t put more effort in, that his daughter will simply visit him less and less as she gets older. That’s on him, I think you’re doing all you can. As much as you can encourage the relationship, it sounds to me like she’s just working out what he’s really like.

Hopefully in time, if he doesn’t change, she’ll realise that she’s not responsible for his actions or for keeping the peace. He’s the parent here after all. Do make sure you don’t speak negatively about him, but to me, it sounds like you’re doing well to co parent with a man who isn’t a particularly involved dad.

I hope your daughter had a good birthday. 🍰

This thread is fucking bizarre.

OP, YANBU at all! Your ex is a dickhead and useless. I suspect the reason he got the correct brands that your DD likes for the gift is because HIS DM either sorted it or told him which brands to buy because SHE paid attention when her DGD was staying at her house LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES.

It was thoughtlessness disguised as thoughtfulness.

Perhaps next time send the list to his DGP instead?!

Good on your DD for having the courage to stay at home for her birthday weekend. If it wasn't for the DGP and how good they are I suspect your DD wouldn't be going anywhere near as often.

It was thoughtlessness disguised as thoughtfulness.

Yes, this!

Also, the fact he offers no support for his other child with you who is autistic, maybe some posters want to have a little more of a think about that before they’re seeing the good in this man and the bad in your daughter. Not offering support to you with your other child is a separate issue, but it says a lot about what sort of father this man is.

Hey @orangecandles - I completely agree with you. It doesn't matter how the parents feel about the activity, it's the child's enjoyment that matters on these occasions.

My DM has cerebral palsy - not wheelchair bound - and that means she couldn't take part in most activities. She never refused to take us - I can remember swimming, ice skating, theme park rides etc, she was always cheering us on from the side, holding our bags and just generally making sure we had a great time.

It's only now as an adult I can fully appreciate how hard it must have been for her to watch us and not be able to join in. But that's what you do as a parent - you put your child's needs first, especially for special occasions.

He sounds selfish and petulant, and probably he just didn't want to spend a day doing something that wasn't his thing - even though it would have been for his DD's birthday. I think that perfectly highlights his priorities and I'm impressed that your DD was able to be clear about where she wanted to spend her birthday.

I don't understand the problem and i would have encouraged your daughter to see her DAD.