I know gifts aren't everything but....

[orangecandles]

My ex bought my 12 year old daughter the following for her birthday:

1x pair of leggings
1x moisturiser
1x lip balm.

He sees her every other weekend. He lives 120 miles away from us and he collects her and takes her on a Friday and back Sunday. I did used to do half the journey but he's so crap in other ways I stopped - I have an autistic child to him too and he just offers us no support what so ever.

Anyway it's been her birthday and it was her weekend to go to her dad's. She didn't want to go for various reasons:

She wanted a day out with her friends
She wanted to be at home
She knew her dad wouldn't put in much effort and she wouldn't feel like it was her birthday

Her dad wasn't happy with this and tried to convince her to come. She stuck to her guns and said no. I feel at the age of 12, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She has to travel a long way and why should she have to do that on her birthday weekend if she doesn't want too?

Anyway her dad messaged me and asked me for ideas for her birthday. I replied with the bits she wanted but I hadn't got her. None of these were expensive.

He didn't get her any of it. All in all I think he spent about £60 on gifts for her. He is not short of money before anyone asks. Believe me - he's not.

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

It's no wonder she didn't want to go in the first place! Her gut was right

£60 presents from her Dad, plus your presents and she wanted to go to a Taylor Swift concert as well. This seems to be a lot of money for a 12th birthday. Your money to spend, fair enough but it does seem you're spoiling your child. Hence, your reaction to the presents.

You've seen here, some kids didn't even get a card from their fathers.

I totally get why it might look like she's spoilt. And that's fine. I have spoiled her this year. I haven't spent much more in terms of gifts though. And the cinema would have actually cost less than the theme park. We didn't do the cinema as well just to point that out.

The last year has been the worst with her older brother. Meltdowns, throwing things, we've both been injured by him. He now seems to be on the right medication and things are getting better but she has a hell of a lot to deal with at home.

Her brother takes up the majority of my time. The amount of guilt I feel is unreal at times. So making the extra effort on her birthday just shows her that she is loved and special and important.

£60 is a reasonable amount for a teens birthday. Especially as she was also receiving from you...we would normally spend 60-80 between us.
Maybe agree a birthday budget with him?

On the face of it leggings, moisturiser and lip balm sounds like bits he picked up at a supermarket but £30 leggings, so branded? Yes my teen daughter would have appreciated those and has asked for those in the past.
And branded cosmetics, a brand she likes and uses? He IS obviously paying attention to what she likes....my OH lives in same house as his teen daughters and wouldn't have a clue which brand of cosmetics they like or are popular.

Sounds to me like he did a decent job with the gifts

Sounds to me like he did a decent job with the gifts

In what world? He asked what she wanted and got none of that, despite the things she would have liked being within budget. He bought things she already had. But yeah, a decent job. 😂 Regardless, OPs daughter was polite about it and hugged her dad. She’s allowed to be a bit disappointed. It’s normal for parents to get things their kids actually want for their birthdays, so I don’t know why people are pretending it’s not.

Then this man refused to go on a day out for his daughters birthday because it wasn’t all about him, you known on his daughters birthday. He had the chance to organise something nice for her, but hadn’t bothered to.

Along with not offering support with his other child, who has autism, yeah this bloke sounds like a real prince. 🤣

FFS, raise the bar.

*know, not known

I dont have girls but i know spending 60 quid on leggings moisturiser and lip balm would be really easy, they dont all want claires accessories.

Op he sounds shit but at least your dd has wised up to him. Good on her

Since when did it become obligatory to get things off a list?
My kids do make lists....without being prompted, but we take it as suggestions not requests or demands, they might get one thing, we might suggest things to other people, they may get none of it because they are all extravagant and expensive wastes of money....

Without knowing whatson the list or how clear it is, "easy to buy" is relative.
My OH would not have a clue, my parents and inlaws usually ask me to either buy it, or draw them a map to the shop and write down exactly what they need to ask for.

But building this expectation that a child will get everything on the list is what causes disappointment

Mumof2teens79

Its not obligatory, but I don’t know any parents who get nothing from a child’s lists, if the things are within budget, which they were. Weird to make out it’s not normal but carry on if it makes you feel better. And her dad actually asked and then chose to ignore. 🙄

If your OH wouldn’t have a clue, then that’s nothing to get proud of. Deliberate incompetence isn’t great. My daughter is into something that neither me or her dad ‘had a clue’ about at first. She’s our daughter and we made the effort to make it our business to ‘have a clue’.

OPs daughter wasn’t expecting ‘everything on the list’, so why are you making things up.

My 13 year old would have been very happy with that as a present. Don’t teach your daughter to be grabby and entitled

I don’t t see what’s wrong with the present. Most 12 year old girls would be happy with that.

I think this is really ungrateful and would be unhappy with my child if she didn’t appreciate the presents from her father.

£60 is a reasonable amount IMO. I think £60 on what he bought is a waste, very annoying he asked for ideas and then ignored them.

OP, she provided a list via you, which he chose to ignore.

Don't provide one again and don't spare his feelings.

She was disappointed.

The amount he spent is NOT the issue.

Girls know the brands and bits they like.

If you want them to be excited about the gift, and you have asked for a list, buy from it.

He's a twat.

But then you know that already.

Good for her sticking to her guns on her birthday.

In answer to your actual AIBU question, no I don't think YANBU at all to feel pissed off.

You get to see how things effect your DD (issues with her brother etc) so want to make her birthday that extra bit special to try and make up for things she's had to put up with at home but also what she has to put up with from dad i.e. on his weekends, they don't do anything while he slobs on the sofa...sounds REAL fun!

At 12, it would have been so lovely for your DD that her own father suggested a day out or something. Even taking her to see the Taylor Swift movie! The times I have taken my kids to days out, or sit and play 'Yu-Gi-Oh' cards....gaaa....I'd rather poke my own eyes out with a rusty spoon but as parents, we do things to make our kids happy! Don't we?!

I’m amazed at some peoples reading skills! She wanted to see the Taylor Swift concert at the cinema, she wasn’t asking for TS concert tickets.

@orangecandles I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I was your daughter (though never got any gifts of any value!) but the constant let downs has had a long term affect on me. Kept doing all I could to please someone who never really showed any interest in me. It was only about 5/6 years ago when I realised enough is enough (I’m in my 50’s now) and I’m much happier.

We didn't do the cinema as well just to point that out.

So, you're so worried about her becoming a people pleaser that you DIDN'T take her to the one thing she really wanted to do?

Sorry but that one's on you. You could have told her it was her birthday and to do what she wanted and ignore her father. But you let her agonise over picking something for everyone (which wasn't remotely suitable for everyone) which he still didn't go to and then she missed out the one thing she really wanted to do.

Maybe that's why she was so disappointed

Your daughter isn’t the problem here OP.

This father made no effort to make plans for his daughters birthday, resulting in her choosing to not spend the weekend with him. Your daughter did nothing wrong, she tried numerous times, but was rightly not willing to go to her fathers and potentially do nothing on her birthday.

He then bought her things she already had, despite asking for a list of things she wanted. He was either having a strop or making little effort. Spending £60 on things she doesn’t want/need, is as another poster said, ‘thoughtlessness disguised as thoughtfulness.’ Your daughter thanked him, behaved nicely but you recognised she was disappointed. Your daughter did nothing wrong.

Your daughter chose a day out for her birthday, because it was near her dad. She was thoughtful. He chose not to come and made it all about him. Again, your daughter did nothing wrong.

Together with not doing much for his other child, he sounds like a shit dad.

Posters trying to paint him as as a good dad and your daughter as an ungrateful brat, probably shows their own low standards. You’ve been told it’s ok because some dads don’t even send their kids a text on their birthday. Another poster thinks it’s ok because her partner wouldn’t have a clue where to buy things for his own daughter. 🙄 Their bar is in hell.

Hour daughter sounds like she’s trying to keep her dad happy, but isn’t willing to completely make herself miserable to do that. Good for her. She’ll see more and more of what he’s like as the years pass if he continues.

I wouldn’t be telling my daughter to put up with lack of effort, men that have strops, men that make things all about them, to be grateful for the minimum, but it seems many here would tell their kids that.

You sound like a lovely mother ❤️

OP, I think you may have worded your post wrong. It doesn't seem like the money spent was the issue but it seems like your ex has decided to buy what he felt like for your daughter and she should just shut up and like it, even though she provided a list of what she'd actually like.

If this was a post where OP said her husband got her gifts for her birthday/mothers day that she didn't want/like even though she sent him links or a list, the replies would be telling OP to speak up to her husband or give him the stuff back.

It may seem like a reach but I think its sending a message that women should just keep their feelings to themselves to not upset anyone at their own expense.

So it's all about the presents then wonderful not.

There are people on here who would love their children's dad to take an interest and be pleased that the child got a present.

Everyone is so grabby and ungrateful these days.

Can't win with you can i? Whatever I say will be wrong lol.

I told her whatever she wanted to was her choice. I told her if she wanted to do the cinema that was fine. I told her not to worry about letting her dad down. She chose the theme park. She still wanted to do the theme park despite her dad saying he wasn't coming because it was all organised between my family and her friends so that's what we continued to do.

Had her dad not given her a hard time in the first place and let her do what she wanted too, she would have chosen the cinema. Which believe me would have been cheaper and less stressful.

I let her decide. I'm not going to put added pressure on to her. I made sure that she doesn't have to do whatever her dad tells her. I'm trying to get her to have solid boundaries.

Despite it all, she had an amazing day with the ones that love her the most and that's literally all that matters. She knows who is there and who isn't. She knows who will be there for her through thick and thin. She's got a good family around her - his mum and dad included.

Her dad isn't one of them and I'm sorry but I have every right to be concerned for my daughter when she is at an age where she's starting to open her eyes and see who he really is. I will support her

Poor dad. His worth is dependant on how much money he spends on her.

Very Grabby and Unattractive.
Also by dumping her father she will be teaching her future kids to do the same thing. Think long term too

I’m convinced some people are just trolling now. 🤣

Shit dad aside, I don't spend that amount of money on myself for those things, so I think it's pretty good for a 12 year old.

Stop with the 'too"! Sometimes it's 'to'!