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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing but close to his family. He is not happy

126 replies

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:38

My exes family and I are close. I bring my children on holiday to see them a few times per year. My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.
If I do not bring them to see his family they will not see them as heir grandad doesn't drive long distance anymore .
I am due to visit soon and my ex has told me to ' keep the fuck away from them'
One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement . Another close friend disagrees strongly and says of course I should keep the contact going for the kids . I should definitely go .
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 11:40

I think you should let his family know that door is open but due to your ex any requests to visit need to come from them and so you are facilitating rather than instigating

Catza · 23/10/2023 11:42

What's the family view? Presumably they want to continue seeing their grandchildren so he doesn't really have much say in what you or them do just because your relationship broke down.
My family still invite my ex to come and visit and I would have zero issues with him taking them up on their offer. They had a lovely friendship and I would be totally unreasonable to expect it to end just because our relationship did.

FourNonBlondez · 23/10/2023 11:44

I think first poster is spot on.
The door is open for them to always have a relationship with the children but these needs to facilitated by the ex.
The family can't take the decision to invite you to events also if you and ex are not on amicable terms.

Frenchfancy · 23/10/2023 11:45

It is no longer just his family, it is also your DCs family.

Tell him you will see whomever you want. He has no say in this.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 23/10/2023 11:45

I think you need to prioritise the welfare of your children and not the feelings of your ex.

Original poster
jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:46

The family and I have a great relationship and they drop everything for us to visit and see them. It is at the other end of the country so always a trek . If we don't see them in the next week it will be summer . They invite us constantly. My ex has asked kids soz months to go and visit but they refused as they don't really have any relationship with him.

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 23/10/2023 11:49

I disagree that they visits should only be facilitated by ex. The GP have a relationship with the children and the op that is entirely separate to the ex. I do agree that the GPS should take the initiative to invite or include op so all are clear that the impetus is from them. My ex likewise hates that I get on well with his parents because that means he can't feed them a load of shit about me and blame the failing relationship with his kids on me. If the ops in laws still want to include her, they should.

StrawBeretMoose · 23/10/2023 11:49

Sounds like you and the family are prioritising the DC, maybe if ex had done so they would want to see him too. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Pandora55 · 23/10/2023 11:49

My ex did this with my family. I always wanted him to still be on good terms with them but turning up at every single event and planning trips with them really hurt me. I felt so pushed out. I started to withdraw and our relationship suffered.

I never really got involved with his family. He facilitated contact between our kids and his parents etc. I was friendly to his parents if we did see each other at things for our kids. But that's it. No need for me to become entangled like that.

My ex did it purely to hurt me. I'd think you need to be very carefully about your intentions here. Your ex can still make sure the children have a relationship with his parents. You can offer to happily welcome them to come visit. But it's not really ok to be doing what you're going in my opinion

tabulaisrasa · 23/10/2023 11:50

I'd let his family know the exact situation, and discuss what you think is best with them. This is about your kids, and not your ex, so I am all for keeping the communication and visists up, but maybe there could be a mutual decision not to loop your ex in on any of it unless needed. What he doesn't know cannot hurt him (but cutting off his family CAN hurt your kids).

Ideally, your ex needs to grow TF up and get over himself, the world does not revolve around him and he needs to realise the kids come first. He is behaving like an incompetent, emotionally inadequate child. However...that seems unlikely, so crack on and do what you think is best.

Doglover19 · 23/10/2023 11:50

Could you drop them off to see them maybe and spend the day in the area yourself whilst the kids are with their family looking after them or you could see it as a night off, book a b&b and let the family have the children for the night.

TinChristmas · 23/10/2023 11:51

Completely disagreeing with others, my best friend had a lovely relationship with her grandparents facilitated by mum as dad had no contact with kids or his parents much. Mum had relationship with her ex in laws. The dad wanted it to go through him but he didn’t see his parents. Everyone except dad was happy

Sluj · 23/10/2023 11:52

Visiting may be the right thing to keep the family relationships working but you absolutely should be working towards getting their Dad back as the main bridge between them and his family.
You shouldn't be turning up to his family events, thats not fair to him. Either work towards getting him to take the children or drop them off.

Pebbledashery · 23/10/2023 11:53

You can let the children seem whomever you like during your own contact time.
I think you should draw the line at being invited to family events however and not blur the lines.
You and GP are prioritising the children's best interests by allowing the relationship to be facilitated.
You shouldn't really go to family events if you and ex are acrimonious, it will just be too awkward, too bitter and the children will get caught up in that.

Lavenderosa · 23/10/2023 11:54

Of course you should maintain contact with your children's grandparents if that's the only way they can get together regularly. Your ex has no right to tell you who you can and cannot visit. That's it.

newamsterdam · 23/10/2023 11:57

FourNonBlondez · 23/10/2023 11:44

I think first poster is spot on.
The door is open for them to always have a relationship with the children but these needs to facilitated by the ex.
The family can't take the decision to invite you to events also if you and ex are not on amicable terms.

Of course they can! Why do you imagine they can't choose to see OP and her children? They don't see the ex anyway.

And why would it need to be facilitated by ex? OP has her own relationship with these people, she doesn't have to divorce them along with the husband.

Bizarre way to look at things.

Original poster
jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:57

The children have little or no relationship with their dad. Their dad has little or no relationship with his family. I get on great with his family and the children love to spend time with their GPS and all other relatives .I have friends in the areas also

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 23/10/2023 11:59

How old are the DC & how often do they see their father?

If you were the one facilitating their relationship with GP before & you want to carry on, then ignore your ex unless he is going to take over that role. I think it’s best if you stay away from family events that Ex will be at, the DC can go with either him or GP.

Lavenderosa · 23/10/2023 12:01

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:57

The children have little or no relationship with their dad. Their dad has little or no relationship with his family. I get on great with his family and the children love to spend time with their GPS and all other relatives .I have friends in the areas also

Your ex will have to lump it then. The children come first and you are free to what the hell you want.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/10/2023 12:01

I would talk to them.
While your friend is right that the children should be prioritised, you don't want your ILs to feel awkward with ex so it's really up to them to choose between ex and their grandkids.

CaroleSinger · 23/10/2023 12:02

Of course tne kids should have a relationship with them but that obviously doesn't mean you should be holidaying with exes family to. I'd agree it does seem like rubbing salt in. Yes your children should have a relationship with them, but you are going through divorce and will no longer be a part of his family the same way. Of course, people on here will egg you on to keep turning up all the time and encourage you to wind him up just to get kicks out of making things worse for you for their own warped entertainment, but he's your ex and they are no longer your in-laws. Both of you need to put the kids first, drop them off then go home and get on with your own life.

Original poster
jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 12:04

He is never around when I bring the kids to them. He put a halt to me being invited to an event despite having no relationship as such with them so said event did not go ahead. I brought kids to them a week later and we went out for dinner instead.
Kids won't go with him to visit his family

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 23/10/2023 12:05

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 12:04

He is never around when I bring the kids to them. He put a halt to me being invited to an event despite having no relationship as such with them so said event did not go ahead. I brought kids to them a week later and we went out for dinner instead.
Kids won't go with him to visit his family

Yes but why to YOU need to be there when his family have the kids? Drop them off and go home. Problem solved.

LylaLee · 23/10/2023 12:06

How old are the children?

TripleDaisySummer · 23/10/2023 12:06

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:57

The children have little or no relationship with their dad. Their dad has little or no relationship with his family. I get on great with his family and the children love to spend time with their GPS and all other relatives .I have friends in the areas also

As this is the case I'd prioritize the kids and carry on facilitating the relationship till they are old enough to do it themselves.