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Original poster

Divorcing but close to his family. He is not happy

126 replies

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:38

My exes family and I are close. I bring my children on holiday to see them a few times per year. My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.
If I do not bring them to see his family they will not see them as heir grandad doesn't drive long distance anymore .
I am due to visit soon and my ex has told me to ' keep the fuck away from them'
One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement . Another close friend disagrees strongly and says of course I should keep the contact going for the kids . I should definitely go .
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Karatema · 23/10/2023 12:50

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 11:40

I think you should let his family know that door is open but due to your ex any requests to visit need to come from them and so you are facilitating rather than instigating

^^ This

tara66 · 23/10/2023 12:52

Don't know enough details regarding you securing ongoing finances re. DC's education etc - do you need to keep him ''happy'' for financial reasons?

wandawaves · 23/10/2023 12:52

Continue as you are OP.
I did the same with my ex in laws. When my XH and I separated, the in laws and I agreed that me and husband were separating, not me and the in laws, and that we were all happy for our relationships to remain the same.

Weddingpuzzle · 23/10/2023 12:53

How come he doesn't see the DC? Their choice or his?

Sometimeswinning · 23/10/2023 12:56

CaroleSinger · 23/10/2023 12:05

Yes but why to YOU need to be there when his family have the kids? Drop them off and go home. Problem solved.

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Why does he get to dictate? Why is there so much sympathy for a man who doesn’t bother with his children. Doesn’t seem to have much involvement with his parents and is obviously trying to control everyone and ensures everyone suffers for his own ego.

His children are the gps family. The op is facilitating this and maybe they want the children to see how a healthy relationship works?

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 23/10/2023 12:57

Your ex does not get to tell you where you can go or with whom you, or your children, can associate. It is lovely that you still have a good relationship with his family-don't let him spoil it.

AbbeyGailsParty · 23/10/2023 12:57

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 11:40

I think you should let his family know that door is open but due to your ex any requests to visit need to come from them and so you are facilitating rather than instigating

Spot on. They invite the children, you facilitate.
And once the divorce is final you can tell ex to mind his own business.

Okaaaay · 23/10/2023 12:58

Sort the divorce and settlement as soon as you can - in the meantime explain to his family that it is tricky and you need to safeguard yourself and children so may have to visit a little less. Once the divorce is done, your relationship is with them and no longer with him, particularly if he does not have a relationship with the children or his family. Don’t enable him to sabotage the opportunity for you and your children to have a healthy and happy relationship with their family. It’s so important for them to see healthy extended relationships.

IncompleteSenten · 23/10/2023 13:00

Fuck him.
Refuse to allow him to control you.
Put a text template on your phone that you c&p each and every time.

Our children have a right to a relationship with their grandparents and I am facilitating this.

Maybe ending with "it is not about what you want."

cleo333 · 23/10/2023 13:02

My children did not see their grandparents due to my ex and it has massively impacted on them as adults , they feel abandoned by them and struggle with loss . They ARE your children's family and have a right to see them . Do not be bullied by him !

ThinWomansBrain · 23/10/2023 13:03

"One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement"

WOW - whose friend is she - yours or his? she'd be being dropped from who is considered as a friend, let alone described as a closest friend.
Presumably your each getting what you're entitled to under the settlement.

If your ex doesn't have a relationship with them anyway, what is it to him, aside from a last gasp attempt at controlling you.

Doopydoo · 23/10/2023 13:03

I would absolutely still take them to visit. I wouldn’t be letting him control me anymore.

SlightlyJaded · 23/10/2023 13:04

It's a really hard one but I'm going to come at this from a 'long-game' perspective.

People like your ex need to feel in control. As you quite rightly mention, it's this loss of control that is giving him the rage. He can't stand the idea of you all playing happy families without him - despite having no interest in being involved himself. The more control he loses, the more difficult he will be.

My advice is to pretend to give him some control back until the divorce is completely over/dust settled. Send him an email or text (you can't get into a row this way) along the lines of:

"I realise this must be hard for you and I don't want to rub salt into any wounds you have. I know we both want what is best for the kids and as you know, they value their relationship with their grandparents enormously and feel very lucky to have such a strong bond with them. I just want to find the best way forward without jeopardising their regular trips. Obviously they are too young to travel alone and I wouldn't expect your parents to have 'care' of them - so I'm finding it hard to come up with a solution that isn't a continuation of what we are doing. I'd like to take your feelings into account, so please let me know, how would you like to facilitate their visits?"

And let him answer that.

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 13:05

CaroleSinger · 23/10/2023 12:05

Yes but why to YOU need to be there when his family have the kids? Drop them off and go home. Problem solved.

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You DID read the part where OP says they are on the other side of the country? Or was that part ignored?

It is so irritating when posters don't read the thread and make up their own scenario, just to be able to "tell the OP what to do" and act superior.

For those in the back:
Her soon-to-be-ex has next to NO relationship with his parents and almost NONE with his children, so if OP doesn't take them to visit, those children will never see their GPs again. The children will NOT go there with their NVDF, probably because he makes it a miserable experience for everyone. The GPs live on the other end of the country, not two streets or towns away. The amount of sticking up for a worthless man, because he is a man is disgusting to read. And for those who tell her to drop them off and go to a B&B or hotel? Okay, how about YOU send the OP a few thousand so she can afford to pay for it?
Some of you are un-freakin'-believable. FFS!

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 13:09

@SlightlyJaded not withstanding your user name, that's a very naive suggestion. Men who want control will not enter into a sensible conversation that involves compromise. Nor do they care about the knock on effects of their demands on others. His response to your suggestion would be "the children will not see my family unless I take them." and any effort to get him to commit to taking them OR to compromise will be pointless.

Unfortunately, with abusive and controlling men, you cannot plan or expect to be able to use standard processes to overcome conflict. They will refuse to listen, they will happily accept consequences (for other people) that are negative (and blame you at the same time), they will gaslight you into what was said or agreed (and no, putting it in writing is only helpful in as much as if you have to convince a 3rd party about what happened and even then, it's 50/50 chances due to the gaslighting already mentioned).

The only way is to ignore them completely and to refuse to give them any power over you. He will be difficult and demanding no matter what, attempting to appease him is pointless.

Onceuponaheartache · 23/10/2023 13:09

Bollox to him.

He doesn't get to control you or his family.

If they are happy for you to go, the kids are happy and you are happy to go then that is all that matters.

TiredButDancing · 23/10/2023 13:10

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 13:05

You DID read the part where OP says they are on the other side of the country? Or was that part ignored?

It is so irritating when posters don't read the thread and make up their own scenario, just to be able to "tell the OP what to do" and act superior.

For those in the back:
Her soon-to-be-ex has next to NO relationship with his parents and almost NONE with his children, so if OP doesn't take them to visit, those children will never see their GPs again. The children will NOT go there with their NVDF, probably because he makes it a miserable experience for everyone. The GPs live on the other end of the country, not two streets or towns away. The amount of sticking up for a worthless man, because he is a man is disgusting to read. And for those who tell her to drop them off and go to a B&B or hotel? Okay, how about YOU send the OP a few thousand so she can afford to pay for it?
Some of you are un-freakin'-believable. FFS!

Show quote history

Yes. Also, OP actually has a good relationship with her in laws and likes them. So again, why must she give that up? maybe if he ALSO had a good relationship with them, it might be necessary for them to distance themselves from her, but that is clearly not the case here.

Ellie56 · 23/10/2023 13:11

They are not just your Ex's family. They are also your children's family and they are entitled to see them if they want to. Just ignore him and carry on taking them to visit.

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 13:12

commonground · 23/10/2023 12:26

My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.

I dunno, this sounds kind of extreme. Why did they cancel because you couldn't come? Does sound like you (personally) are super involved.

I think if the in-laws want to continue seeing their grandchildren/cousins whatever, they have to become the kind of family who are more organised and less 'relaxed' about seeing them. They have to 'take' the kids. They have to say to your ex, ok we will see the kids without jesterjoe.

So that it's not about you being there, but about the kids still having a relationship with their relatives (unless obvs your kids are tiny).

God knows I'd love to drop the kids for a few days and enjoy some much needed me time but that's not the dynamic at all. I think your ILs need to make it the dynamic and could be more helpful (to you), tbh.

The OP already answered why it was cancelled. The man-child threw a temper tantrum, and ruined everything, again.

OP--Thank goodness he will soon be an ex. He sounds like a total and complete loser with some deep mental problems.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/10/2023 13:16

I'd just carry on as if he wasn't an issue tbh.
You can't reason or negotiate with control freaks like your ex so no point trying to appease him or enter a conversation.

TrashedSofa · 23/10/2023 13:17

Lavenderosa · 23/10/2023 11:54

Of course you should maintain contact with your children's grandparents if that's the only way they can get together regularly. Your ex has no right to tell you who you can and cannot visit. That's it.

Yep. No more to it than that. The DC have to be the priority.

TiredButDancing · 23/10/2023 13:18

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 13:12

The OP already answered why it was cancelled. The man-child threw a temper tantrum, and ruined everything, again.

OP--Thank goodness he will soon be an ex. He sounds like a total and complete loser with some deep mental problems.

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We are probably not going to see SIL at Christmas for this reason. Because he will make her life hell if she spends it with us and not him. Because if he is not invited, he might turn up anyway. Because if she suggests that they split Christmas in some way, he will cry (literally, cry) to their very young DC about how mummy wants to keep him from them at Christmas.

So it is most likely easier for us to just say that we will not see them at all. Which is shit because her and DC will suffer, as will we.

Yeahno · 23/10/2023 13:18

Fuck him. They are not just his family, they are your children and your family. Is anyone wondering why you are divorcing this wonderful mature man? I think not.

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 13:21

@TiredButDancing

Heck, if the STBX had a decent relationship with his parents, he'd be taking them to see them. He must be a real "prize" if his parents and children are both distant with him.

SlightlyJaded · 23/10/2023 13:21

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 13:09

@SlightlyJaded not withstanding your user name, that's a very naive suggestion. Men who want control will not enter into a sensible conversation that involves compromise. Nor do they care about the knock on effects of their demands on others. His response to your suggestion would be "the children will not see my family unless I take them." and any effort to get him to commit to taking them OR to compromise will be pointless.

Unfortunately, with abusive and controlling men, you cannot plan or expect to be able to use standard processes to overcome conflict. They will refuse to listen, they will happily accept consequences (for other people) that are negative (and blame you at the same time), they will gaslight you into what was said or agreed (and no, putting it in writing is only helpful in as much as if you have to convince a 3rd party about what happened and even then, it's 50/50 chances due to the gaslighting already mentioned).

The only way is to ignore them completely and to refuse to give them any power over you. He will be difficult and demanding no matter what, attempting to appease him is pointless.

My experience of a very abusive and controlling man was that he very much wanted to 'look good' to the outside world. Pretending to assume that he had the children's best interests at heart would sometimes force him to acquiesce to things because when it became apparent that he would appear completely unreasonable to the outside world. He didn't give a fuck what I thought or about being decent, but he did care that others thought he was marvellous.

OP's ex may be 'one of these'?

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