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AIBU?

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Original poster

Divorcing but close to his family. He is not happy

126 replies

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:38

My exes family and I are close. I bring my children on holiday to see them a few times per year. My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.
If I do not bring them to see his family they will not see them as heir grandad doesn't drive long distance anymore .
I am due to visit soon and my ex has told me to ' keep the fuck away from them'
One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement . Another close friend disagrees strongly and says of course I should keep the contact going for the kids . I should definitely go .
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Original poster
jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 12:29

My children cannot and would not be allowed to travel on public transport for six hours with two changes. No way would that happen in my world.

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 23/10/2023 12:29

Sluj · 23/10/2023 11:52

Visiting may be the right thing to keep the family relationships working but you absolutely should be working towards getting their Dad back as the main bridge between them and his family.
You shouldn't be turning up to his family events, thats not fair to him. Either work towards getting him to take the children or drop them off.

Why is it op's job to "work towards getting their Dad back as the bridge"??

Do you realise it's neither healthy nor possible to control another adult's behaviour?

Mari9999 · 23/10/2023 12:30

OP , he does not get to control who you see or do not see. Control of your visitation to or with his parents is not something that he will be awarded in your divorce settlement.

His parents are adults and they get to decide who they wish to have as guests in their home. As an alternative, perhaps you can drop the kids off for a visit and return to pick them up. You need not stay. That might be a reasonable solution if you feel inclined to accommodate his feelings.

Chances are that your visits will become awkward as he moves on into new relationships and the children become older and capable of spending time there without you. In the interim, do as you please. Ultimately, his parents will want a good relationship with their son.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/10/2023 12:31

He’s jealous that your relationship with his family is better than his own. I would keep going. Fuck him. The day you got married and had children, his family became your family. Your DC need a relationship with their grandparents. I would give not one hoot what he told me to do. Also, I wouldn’t necessarily be honest, if you need to keep visits on the down low then so be it. The event should never have been cancelled, you should have gone and he may never have found out.

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 12:33

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:57

The children have little or no relationship with their dad. Their dad has little or no relationship with his family. I get on great with his family and the children love to spend time with their GPS and all other relatives .I have friends in the areas also

So here's your answer. I mean, if your ex was being refused invites to family occasions because his family were taking your "side", and he'd previously had a good relationship with them, then yes, I'd say maybe you have to be more sensitive. But he has no relationship with them or with his DC so really, you should just ignore him.

I'm assuming part of the reason he's an ex is becuase he was a controlling, irrational ass?

Original poster
jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 12:33

That fucker has controlled me through the whole marriage and is now losing his mind because the actual consequences of him having an affair and destroying our family's are coming home to roost and he simply will not be able to enjoy his many annual foreign holidays and designer clothes not to mention wining and dining his latest woman.

He is apoplectic with rage that I'm legally requesting certain fees and costs involving our kids health and education. He will not control me anymore .

The event was called off as his family and he had a huge argument and those organising it didn't want him there , that's if he actually would have turned up at all.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 12:34

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:57

The children have little or no relationship with their dad. Their dad has little or no relationship with his family. I get on great with his family and the children love to spend time with their GPS and all other relatives .I have friends in the areas also

Sounds a bit like my ex - doesn’t see his family or his kids but objects when they see each other.

I always dealt with it by saying if the family asked to see my girls and my girls wanted to go I’d take them.

I didn’t give a shit if ex didn’t like it - my interests is my girls. Not his wishes.

TiredButDancing · 23/10/2023 12:36

Because of the weird disordered thinking of exBIL, DH and I have actually spoken about this even though we are 100% not planning to separate! He is very close to his family. I get on well with them too and enjoy their company (albeit that I probably wouldn't have chosen them if I didn't marry DH). If we were to split, DH would 100% prioritise facilitating a relationship between our shared DC and his family so I would not need to do that. In addition, I may well maintain a relationship with them separately or facilitate the odd occasion for my DC but I would accept that I'm not going to be invited to family events and celebrations unless, possibly, they are specifically around our DC.

In your case, your ex is NOT facilitating this relationship, nor does he have an active relationship with any of the people involved. So why on earth does he think he gets a say?

Ffsnotaconference · 23/10/2023 12:37

Why was the event cancelled?

If he has no relationship with them, he wouldn’t be going so it doesn’t matter if you attend.

Or, if they really felt he was right and you shouldn’t attend their events, the kids could still have gone. They are old enough that they don’t need you there.

Cancelling makes no sense.

Fundays12 · 23/10/2023 12:37

Your ex can't dictate this as if you allow it your children's relationship with there grandparents will suffer as a result. Ignore him and take your kids to see there grandparents. The memories you are creating are priceless for them and you are bringing joy to the grandparents.

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 12:38

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 12:33

That fucker has controlled me through the whole marriage and is now losing his mind because the actual consequences of him having an affair and destroying our family's are coming home to roost and he simply will not be able to enjoy his many annual foreign holidays and designer clothes not to mention wining and dining his latest woman.

He is apoplectic with rage that I'm legally requesting certain fees and costs involving our kids health and education. He will not control me anymore .

The event was called off as his family and he had a huge argument and those organising it didn't want him there , that's if he actually would have turned up at all.

I recognise this. haha. You are to blame for EVERYTHING aren't you?

Well done on getting rid of him. And well done to his family for realising what's important here!

FamBae · 23/10/2023 12:38

Yes he's still trying to control you isn't he, ignore him it's not illegal to take your kids to see their loving grandparents.

JustMy2Pennith · 23/10/2023 12:41

This is so sad, i think the grandparents are caught in the middle here, i hope they can talk to their son and say they want to see their grandchild and he should also want whats best for his child and his parents, the relationship between him and you is between you only. good luck navigating.

Littlelucas · 23/10/2023 12:42

He sounds like a nasty bully. “Stay the fuck away from them??” Why the hell does he get to dictate how a group of people (whom he has nothing to do with) interact? Tell him to get to fuck.

As you said, he is losing his mind about the settlement/divorce. This is about control of you and your dc’s - nothing more.

BotterMon · 23/10/2023 12:43

Keep up the relationship with the in-laws. Ignore ex. Don't think ex will win any battles if he tries to get out of financial commitments by saying "my wife disobeyed me" or "my wife takes our children to see my parents and my family". Well done on getting rid of such a waste of space! He sounds awful.

Meeting · 23/10/2023 12:43

It's absolutely fuck all to do with him. Carry on as planned OP.

Beautiful3 · 23/10/2023 12:43

I would still go, they are the kids family.

cupofdecaf · 23/10/2023 12:45

I would say for now you're welcome but it's best you facilitate rather than instigate. Once the divorce is done then crack on and see who you want.

Pezdeoro41 · 23/10/2023 12:47

I agree that you should maintain the relationship, however perhaps as you are on the cusp of divorce and he’s losing his mind about the settlement, as you say, then a short pause on the physical visits might help smooth the transition? Who initiated the split? If it was you, then I can understand how he might feel going to family events right now is rubbing salt in the wound as your friend said. You could still do lots of FaceTime etc and perhaps go up for a full visit in the spring?

Robinni · 23/10/2023 12:47

If it were me I would keep up the contact.

It is a few times a year and important for the children to be able to maintain their family connections and support.

Particularly with the divorce and disruption.

If there is any issue with him, pitch it that you are concerned for their mental health and that they feel disorientated enough by the divorce, without losing contact with other family members also.

Things need to be as normal as possible.

If the settlement is through and all finalised then there is nothing he can do.

The only reason I would delay seeing them is if it liable to jeopardise anything with finalisation of the divorce - because losing out on private school/health insurance and whatever else would be hugely damaging.

Good for you fighting your corner.

GlitteryGreen · 23/10/2023 12:48

I think it's fine to keep contact for the children's sake but I would not expect to be invited to family events where he should be in attendance, and would decline any invites.

Pezdeoro41 · 23/10/2023 12:48

Sorry, missed your latest update! With that in mind, fuck him, do what you want.

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 12:49

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:38

My exes family and I are close. I bring my children on holiday to see them a few times per year. My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.
If I do not bring them to see his family they will not see them as heir grandad doesn't drive long distance anymore .
I am due to visit soon and my ex has told me to ' keep the fuck away from them'
One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement . Another close friend disagrees strongly and says of course I should keep the contact going for the kids . I should definitely go .
Thoughts please ?

Your soon-to-be ex needs to stop his childish temper tantrums and hurting his parents and his children. He needs to grow the hell up and start adulting. I would tell him to take it to court if it upsets him. They will laugh him out of the courtroom.
As for "he is losing his mind"? I say that ship has already sailed.

YES--you should take your children to see his family and keep the contact going.

Patchesofdrizzle · 23/10/2023 12:50

Woukd it be worth skipping the planned visit to get him to finalise the divorce? Once that's done you can go back to the visits. If it wouldn't make a difference to the divorce I would just ignore him and keep up your good relationship with his family.

CacenCaws · 23/10/2023 12:50

He doesn't get to tell you what to do, so he will just have to get over it. Carry on as you are. I think its lovely that you are so close to them, and they get to grow up with their grandparents in their lives
So in short 'fuck him'!