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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing but close to his family. He is not happy

126 replies

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 11:38

My exes family and I are close. I bring my children on holiday to see them a few times per year. My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.
If I do not bring them to see his family they will not see them as heir grandad doesn't drive long distance anymore .
I am due to visit soon and my ex has told me to ' keep the fuck away from them'
One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement . Another close friend disagrees strongly and says of course I should keep the contact going for the kids . I should definitely go .
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 23/10/2023 13:22

I and my dd had a great relationship with my ex's family and my dd would not be who she is today if it hadn't been for their support.

AndWordsWhen · 23/10/2023 13:23

I think the most important thing here is what your DC want - they are old enough to have a say in what's going on. If they want to go to their grandparents, then you should help organise that.

Talk to the kids, talk to your PIL, agree what everyone wants and then between agree an answer to your ex when he kicks off. A single, clear message from everyone should shut him up.

BeetleDeuce · 23/10/2023 13:26

One word of warning from someone who knows: you may become the carer for these relatives as time goes on. While that is fine, it may rankle that you will put in hours of love and care when your ex will end up as their sole beneficiary on their death.

Petty, I know, but just to bear in mind…!

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 13:27

@SlightlyJaded okay, your experience is therefore very different to all the women I know in real life or on here but if that's a personal experience, sure.

The closest I've seen to what you're saying is "performative" parenting in order to look good to the outside world. eg an active and super fun and super encouraging performance at weekly football games. But, the same dad might well bitch and moan about having to take the child to football, might well often refuse to do it and/or threaten not to etc at home or to the wife/exwife. All of that is invisible.

In OP's case, we already know he doesn't care about his parents or his children and their view of him. So there is no way that he's suddenly going to care about this.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 23/10/2023 13:30

how does your ex know so much information if you are low contact and he isn't in much contact with his family??

Id stop sharing information with him first of all and possibly even block him! If he wants to arrange access to the children he can go through the court system - no reason he needs to be in contact with you directly anymore

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 13:30

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 11:40

I think you should let his family know that door is open but due to your ex any requests to visit need to come from them and so you are facilitating rather than instigating

For some reason I can’t edit. To be clear when I said “them” I meant the ex’s family not the ex. So the request should come to her from the grandparents and she can facilitate that- she isn’t making the suggestions, and can’t be accused of being pushy with his family.

TiredButDancing · 23/10/2023 13:31

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 13:21

@TiredButDancing

Heck, if the STBX had a decent relationship with his parents, he'd be taking them to see them. He must be a real "prize" if his parents and children are both distant with him.

The tales I could tell... but you're right, he has no relationship with his remaining family, has managed to alienate the only real friend he ever had and needless to say, none of her family or friends want anything to do with him.

He still tries to peddle this story that she is the problem.

Worddance · 23/10/2023 13:32

Since ex won't facilitate the visits himself and then children have a right to see their grandparents, especially at a time of transition, I'd ignore the tantrums and do what's right for the kids. It's not even like your ex has a relationship with his parents anyway.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 23/10/2023 13:32

Carry on with the current arrangement so long as everyone involved in the arrangement is happy.

Your ex has chosen not to be involved and has no part to play in this arrangement so he has no say.

It's lovely that the children have a lovely relationship with their grandparents and extended family.

OriginalUsername2 · 23/10/2023 13:40

My dm used to take me to visit aunties and Nan on my dads side even though no-one really saw much of my dad. They were lovely times. If he’s not about, it’s none of his business. He needs to move on or rejoin his family, not try and dictate what everyone else is doing from a distance.

You should all just ignore him.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/10/2023 13:44

I’ve read your posts and I’d be firmly if the view it’s in their best interests to maintain contact with grandparents and cousins etc and given their ages and distance it requires you to facilitate that which you have done to date and are happy to continue
I’d email him and them to make the point. Couch everything in terms of children’s best interests.
It’s up to you and your children who they see when in your care.

Conkersinautumn · 23/10/2023 13:48

At 12 and 14 I'd encourage some phone contact ("initiated" by the dc) whilst the divorce gets sorted then support your dc with the contact they want. It's their family! They are old enough to express a wish to visit family.

MelsMoneyTree · 23/10/2023 14:06

Maintain the relationship with the GPs. Go on the planned visit.

As for the ex, how do you envision contact in the future? It reads as though you're not facilitating contact between your ex and the DCs because they aren't keen or are refusing. But if the divorce settlement is nearly finalised, what contact has been agreed.

StaunchMomma · 23/10/2023 14:11

It sounds like he's been a shit to you, useless with the kids and isn't really in contact with his parents so if I were you I'd make sure I protected all familial relationships your kids do have and not even tell him when you're planning to visit.

I'd go down asap and explain to them, face to face, that your ex is trying to stop visits.

What a shitty position to be put in.

As an aside, well done fore dumping the giant prick!

Basilton · 23/10/2023 14:13

jesterjoe · 23/10/2023 12:04

He is never around when I bring the kids to them. He put a halt to me being invited to an event despite having no relationship as such with them so said event did not go ahead. I brought kids to them a week later and we went out for dinner instead.
Kids won't go with him to visit his family

It does sound like you are too entangled with his family and you shouldn’t be going to family events or on family holidays with them. I cannot imagine a world in which I divorced my husband and then he kept coming along to my family Christmas dinner or whatever. You may wish to facilitate contact between your children and that side of the family, but I do think you need to dial back.

Motomum23 · 23/10/2023 14:16

I'd tell your ex its none of his business
.. I can understand if he said I would rather we didn't both attend family events but if he's NOT going to be there it's no one else's concern if you are there.

newamsterdam · 23/10/2023 14:17

Basilton · 23/10/2023 14:13

It does sound like you are too entangled with his family and you shouldn’t be going to family events or on family holidays with them. I cannot imagine a world in which I divorced my husband and then he kept coming along to my family Christmas dinner or whatever. You may wish to facilitate contact between your children and that side of the family, but I do think you need to dial back.

Show quote history

Why shouldn't she? He doesn't go. Her children can't/won't go without her.

If you divorced your husband, he had the children, and you didn't bother with the children or your family, why would he not go to their christmas dinner, if invited?

This notion that the entire family is broken up and has no contact because one selfish man says so is insane, and so many women supporting him here! It's control, nothing else.

1990thatsme · 23/10/2023 14:18

Given that the children’s father is VLC with his own parents, I think it’s great OP is facilitating the contact with GPS.

XH can fuck off.

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 14:21

I think there needs to be a compromise.

You should definitely not be going to a family event that DH is invited to.

I think that was very weird of you to even accept the invitation, knowing your ex that you don’t get on with would be there.
As soon as you found out he was going you should have said you wouldn’t go.
You can you could have even suggested dropping the kids off.

But I think it’s ok for you to visit his family if that’s the only way they get to see your kids.
But I would reduce these or suggest dropping the kids off instead.

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 14:21

TiredButDancing · 23/10/2023 13:18

We are probably not going to see SIL at Christmas for this reason. Because he will make her life hell if she spends it with us and not him. Because if he is not invited, he might turn up anyway. Because if she suggests that they split Christmas in some way, he will cry (literally, cry) to their very young DC about how mummy wants to keep him from them at Christmas.

So it is most likely easier for us to just say that we will not see them at all. Which is shit because her and DC will suffer, as will we.

Show quote history

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Well, not only you, but your SIL and her children also suffer. The one who doesn't suffer? The entitled selfish azzhat who doesn't care if his little children are hurt as long as he can control everything and get his way, always.

I hope you all can work something out so that you and SIL/children have a chance to see each other for the holidays. {{HUGS}}

MsMarch · 23/10/2023 14:22

Basilton · 23/10/2023 14:13

It does sound like you are too entangled with his family and you shouldn’t be going to family events or on family holidays with them. I cannot imagine a world in which I divorced my husband and then he kept coming along to my family Christmas dinner or whatever. You may wish to facilitate contact between your children and that side of the family, but I do think you need to dial back.

Show quote history

But this isn't what's happening. HE is not going to family events either.

If DH and I broke up, I absolutely would not expect to be invited to his family events. But then DH is very close to his family and already spends loads of time with them with the DC.

OP's situation is completely different. He has no contact with his family. Limited contact with his DC. She has a good relationship with his family. His family want to see both her and their DC.

BurntOutGirl · 23/10/2023 14:30

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 12:34

Sounds a bit like my ex - doesn’t see his family or his kids but objects when they see each other.

I always dealt with it by saying if the family asked to see my girls and my girls wanted to go I’d take them.

I didn’t give a shit if ex didn’t like it - my interests is my girls. Not his wishes.

Show quote history

My XH was furious that his DP and l kept in touch after he left me for OW.

They told him to butt out and he had chosen his path.

I would .... and do... continue to see them 6 years post divorce.

If you don't go, he is still controlling you... abd personally l wouldn't stand for that crap!

commonground · 23/10/2023 15:09

It all sounds very difficult, and tbh from what you have said, it sounds like his family love a drama also.

He put a halt to me being invited to an event despite having no relationship as such with them so said event did not go ahead.

Why is the event revolving around you? So he doesn't want you there for Granny's birthday or whatevs. Instead of an argument, or cancelling the whole thing, which is so much drama for the kids, his family could have said to you, look, we really want the grandchildren there, would you mind dropping them off? (You have said you have friends locally and are actually quite OK to leave them). (Unless you mean he doesn't want the kids there also. In which case, yes that is a different problem).

Why won't they do that? He has 'little or no relationship' with them and yet...they all seem to be in each other's business.

Do his family ever try to take the heat out of the situation?

JayJayEl · 23/10/2023 15:16

TeaGinandFags · 23/10/2023 12:25

While I think that OP is within her rights to take her DC to see their relatives, I would like to advise discretion over valour.

Finalising a divorce can be tricky especially when her ex hubby is liable to upset the applecart. Once the ink has dried up so will his options for creating a stink.

If he acts up afterwards OP will simply have to confess to the court she kept relations between her DC and former ILs strong and XH threw a tantrum. I'm sure that the court would see sense.

I agree with this!

If he can't be bothered to have a relationship with his own children, never mind his own family, then he has no say. I would normally advocate for honesty being the best policy, but in this case it's easier all 'round if you just keep schtum. Don't actively lie, just...don't offer information he doesn't need. That should be fairly easy considering his poor relationships?

I hope all this works out for you. :)

LookItsMeAgain · 23/10/2023 16:29

My advice would be to let his family (the kids grandparents mainly) know that he's said that you have to cease contact. You're reluctant to do that at the moment but you might have to, even temporarily, in order to get through the divorce process.
Perhaps once you are divorced from him, you might be able to arrange with the grandparents/whoever to meet them half way between your place and theirs with the kids. As the kids get older, they may want to go for weekends to visit their grandparents and I'd say you wouldn't have any issue with that when they are older, just not right now.

Would that work?