Divorcing but close to his family. He is not happy

[jesterjoe]

My exes family and I are close. I bring my children on holiday to see them a few times per year. My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.
If I do not bring them to see his family they will not see them as heir grandad doesn't drive long distance anymore .
I am due to visit soon and my ex has told me to ' keep the fuck away from them'
One my closest friends agrees as it's rubbing salt into the wound as we are on cusp of divorce and he is losing his mind because of the settlement . Another close friend disagrees strongly and says of course I should keep the contact going for the kids . I should definitely go .
Thoughts please ?

This is one of those I'd love to hear from the ex's side.
How did it get to a point where they would rather contact be facilitated by their DIL than their own child. Surely there must be more to it than "they just don't really have a relationship with him"? I can't imagine a scenario where I would ever choose my DIL over my own children. Is he abusive? Is he the least favourite child or what?
They shouldn't be inviting you to family events where he is present if he has made it clear he doesn't want that - they're crossing the line there.
Something in your tone bothers me - like you're gloating a bit? Do you see this as a way to get one over him? That's not right either.
I'm not saying it's impossible but I think it's going to be very difficult for you to retain this type of relationship with your in laws as time goes on. Especially as you don't live anywhere near them. Do you really want a row with your ex every time you plan to see them?
I would cut my losses with them now and say in future contact has to be facilitated by your ex or another member of his family. You can stay friendly with them e.g. facilitate zoom calls from a distance.

Hi family dont ' have ' the kids. We visit them and spend time with them going for dinner and going for walks/ activities . They don't 'take ' the kids and do stuff specifically with them. It's all very relaxed and no one is living in another's pocket.
God knows I'd love to drop the kids for a few days and enjoy some much needed me time but that's not the dynamic at all.
All the kids hang out together and then as a family everyone goes for dinners etc

I would leave it for a bit while things are so heated.

Give it a year and then commence visits. Sort out your settlement and your exh’s parenting schedule. This will be hard for him too, and yes your behaviour is going to make him see red and feel unsupported by his family - even though that is irrational.

Divorce is horrible and brings out the worst in people. Give time for the dust to settle and a bit of healing to hopefully kick in.

I think - continue as you are with prioritising the children and facilitating the relationship between GP's. They sound very close.
BUT - I think for reasons as mentioned above in that your children will get caught up in the acrimony - just don't expect to go to family events.

Just wait til the divorce is finalised. Let him have his meltdown. Get what you need in the settlement. Let the dust settle. Then go right back to visiting them.

This is good advice - wait till things have settled and then visit with kids till they are old enough to be left or prepared to visit with ex.

The dcs want to see their dgps. The grandparents want to see the dcs.

Unless your ex can come up with a sensible alternative, I suggest you carry on as normal. It's once or twice a year. You are hardly living in their pockets. His actions are supremely selfish.

Just wait til the divorce is finalised. Let him have his meltdown. Get what you need in the settlement. Let the dust settle. Then go right back to visiting them.

This ^

Keep your powder dry till you have got what you want form him. After that tell him to get stuffed. As for facilitating his relationship with his GP and DC, you don't need to facilitate anything. He can do it himself, or not.

This is so tricky one. I go to stay with the in laws without my DH so they can see their DG and I see friends when I'm there too. I totally get why he doesn't want you involved with them, but it's not fair for the kids and grandparents to lose touch when you're happy to maintain the relationship.

I think if we broke up I'd definitely go to see the inlaws, but just maybe do it less often. Did he have a problem with you visiting them without him when you were together?

How does he find out about you and the kids visiting his family if your ex doesn’t have a relationship with either sides?

Stop telling him about the visits and he won’t know and therefore won’t be able to ruin them.

There could be all sorts of reasons why the in-laws don't have a relationship with their son. It really isn't that uncommon and I think in general we need to take op at face value. Just because some of us can't imagine being estranged from our adult child, doesn't mean it's not possible. All the absolute bell-end dickheads that get written about on here have parents. Maybe they see it too. As I said upthread, so long as the initiative clearly comes from them and the OP is not pushing it, it's entirely up to them.
I think it is fallacious to say they are no longer family or have no reason to be in friendly contact..lots of friendships or relationships start out as one degree removed, a friend of a friend etc. If the linking person drops out, that doesn't invalidate the newer friendship. Blood is not thicker than water in my opinion. People are people and personality is more important than accidents of biology.

I completely facilitate my children seeing ex's parents and family. We are very close. Ex does not see his own family (he only sees one of his own sons).
Ex was obstructive about me and the boys seeing his family, to the extent that at 8 years old my youngest son didn't even know he had a grandmother 10 miles away.
My own parents are dead so this grandparent relationship is important to me.
Some people think it's quite odd, I just see it as my boys having a relationship with their family and me getting on very well with them so choosing to spend time with them.

No she's not. If the kids and their grandparents want to see each other, it's got nothing to do with the Ex.

Yes to continue the kids seeing their family - so important. No to you being at family events (though the kids should be) and maybe dial it down a bit until the divorce is settled.

Why does your ex not have a relationship with the kids and his family?

If there's no relationship with his family, is he actually being invited to these events? If not, why does he even need to know about them?

On your update I'd ignore ex and continue as you are. A friend is exactly the same with her ex inlaws to the point they cut out their own familt member as he treated her and their kids so badly - his family was disgusted.

^ This is until the kids are old enough to go themselves.

I find it interesting the OP refuses to give the age range of her children.

I know and have known plenty of similar situations like this. Some of the other parents are clearly doing it for control, while others aren't as they butt out as soon as the child(ren) are old enough.

If the dc don't have a relationship with him and his family don't just carry on ad normal but don't tell the petulant old drama llama.

What does it matter what ages the children are?

The children want to see their family, The family want to see the children,. OP is happy with it.

Only one not happy is the man who doesn't see his children, or his family. Why would anyone give a fuck what he thinks about any of it?

While I think that OP is within her rights to take her DC to see their relatives, I would like to advise discretion over valour.

Finalising a divorce can be tricky especially when her ex hubby is liable to upset the applecart. Once the ink has dried up so will his options for creating a stink.

If he acts up afterwards OP will simply have to confess to the court she kept relations between her DC and former ILs strong and XH threw a tantrum. I'm sure that the court would see sense.

Exactly, it's all about the ages.

If the kids are 17, 15 and 12 they can go on their own, for example.

My ex doesn't really have a relationship with them anymore but put his foot down about me being invited to a family event so the event was subsequently cancelled by his family due to the upset.

I dunno, this sounds kind of extreme. Why did they cancel because you couldn't come? Does sound like you (personally) are super involved.

I think if the in-laws want to continue seeing their grandchildren/cousins whatever, they have to become the kind of family who are more organised and less 'relaxed' about seeing them. They have to 'take' the kids. They have to say to your ex, ok we will see the kids without jesterjoe.

So that it's not about you being there, but about the kids still having a relationship with their relatives (unless obvs your kids are tiny).

God knows I'd love to drop the kids for a few days and enjoy some much needed me time but that's not the dynamic at all. I think your ILs need to make it the dynamic and could be more helpful (to you), tbh.

Refuses to give age range of age children??????
Where in earth did you pull that theory out of ? And you find it interesting ?
I'm trying to keep up with and absorb all replies.
My children are 12 and 14.

I think you are awesome keeping the relationship with the grandparents. It has absolutely nothing to do with your ex. He is not the gatekeeper of his family. I’d just ignore him. Why should they lose a bonus daughter and grandchildren just because your relationship didn’t work out long term?

You and the children have every right to visit whomever you wish whenever you wish. Your X's feelings are immaterial.