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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about what happened this weekend

181 replies

Onthedownlow9 · 23/10/2023 00:01

I was staying over at a new partners house over the weekend. I know he’s really good mates with the man who lives next door to him. After we had sex I saw he was laughing and smirking whilst reading his text messages and he did end up showing me them but I feel disgusted. Basically his neighbour was saying he heard our ‘session’ and sent messages such as ‘go on😈’ and some other weird things. I feel like a piece of meat and don’t appreciate that they were discussing it over text? Aibu? Do I need to lighten up?

OP posts:
Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 10:28

I think you’re being a bit sensitive.

The neighbour let him know he could hear you - something that MNers say to do all of the time.

Then the boyfriend was laughing about it, which I think many people would do in that situation.

How did you want him to react?
Did you want him to get angry at the friend?

Blanketpolicy · 23/10/2023 10:38

Not his "fault" ndn heard and sent texts.

I am trying to put the boot on the other foot. If when single a friend/ndn had texted something cheeky saying they had heard me having sex I would likely reply something cheeky back too.

It is a tough one and if there are no other red flags maybe not a deal breaker, but one to keep an eye on.

ASGIRC · 23/10/2023 10:39

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 23/10/2023 01:12

Please let me know your secret for orgasming silently.

Show quote history

Having lived with housemates most of my adult life, I find it quite simple!

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/10/2023 10:43

You would have to be crazy to even speak to him again.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2023 10:44

How did you react when he showed you the messages?

Did you tell him you were “disgusted” or did you pretend you thought they were funny too?

horseyhorsey17 · 23/10/2023 10:45

Blanketpolicy · 23/10/2023 10:38

Not his "fault" ndn heard and sent texts.

I am trying to put the boot on the other foot. If when single a friend/ndn had texted something cheeky saying they had heard me having sex I would likely reply something cheeky back too.

It is a tough one and if there are no other red flags maybe not a deal breaker, but one to keep an eye on.

I agree with this. If it was my mate/neighbour, I'd say something in a jokey way too as I'd actually be massively hinting that the last thing I want is to be forced to listen to people shagging. And if your partner also tried to laugh it off out of embarrassment, I'd get that too. And that would be fine.

Only you know if it was actually sleazier than that - in which case, get shot of him/them.

Mariposista · 23/10/2023 10:47

Unless you are two uni students in halls of residence (and even then it's using it), this is inappropriate. I wouldn't be going back there - and even less to have sex.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 23/10/2023 10:49

You've had a lucky early warning, dump!

MrsH101 · 23/10/2023 11:02

Some MNers go-to advice at any sign of disagreement or relationship issue is 'dump'. But new relationships are always tricky when working out oneanothers boundaries, standards or SOH. etc. But if you fail to be clear at this early stage and you're keen on this guy, you're setting yourself up badly and wasting both of your time.

It really doesnt matter what other people think on here about if it was funny or not, value your own standards and if you dislike the humour and felt he was unreasonable - make it politely clear and draw the line. If it's a problem, then you know you have a misalignment in values, but if he reflects, apologises and addresses it - then youve grown together.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2023 11:03

His attitude to sex is clearly very different to yours.
Some people are very open and are fine with telling others about their sex life or making jokes.
He thought you would find it funny that his neighbour heard you hence showing you his messages.

Its not a good idea to pretend you’re ok with it when you’re not. Did you say anything?

Its worth considering whether you can move the bed from the wall, shut a window or stop the head board banging next time if you think this is salvageable.

Movinghouseatlast · 23/10/2023 11:05

TomatoSandwiches · 23/10/2023 00:16

If you see the next door neighbour let him know you're sorry about the noise but it was your bfs first go at getting pegged.

Then leave the smirking bastard.

This is brilliant!

Jewelspun · 23/10/2023 11:08

This wouldn't have been the first time the neighbour hears so your boyfriend knew full well his time with you was a performance for an audience.

A man with your best interests at heart would not be revelling in your intimacy being the subject of amusement to being overheard.

IDoughnutKnow · 23/10/2023 11:11

He sounds disgusting.

Though I'd be more careful about having sex with people whom I don't know if I were you, OP.

RubyBoozeDay · 23/10/2023 11:11

What a childish creep. Bid farewell and don't look back.

margegunderson · 23/10/2023 11:15

Frasers · 23/10/2023 09:31

Ok the reply indicates it was you making all the noise that he heard, so yeah you should be embarrassed.

Victim-blaming much? Maybe she could/should have been quieter but the response from the boyfriend and the neighbour is nauseating and immature and THAT's the problem here. Should women always be silent to stop others' from being dicks?

Frasers · 23/10/2023 11:17

margegunderson · 23/10/2023 11:15

Victim-blaming much? Maybe she could/should have been quieter but the response from the boyfriend and the neighbour is nauseating and immature and THAT's the problem here. Should women always be silent to stop others' from being dicks?

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Maybe she should have been quieter? Seriously? Maybe? There is no maybe when you’re disturbing the neighbours with your sex noises. And maybe people would address it in a jokey manner as it’s so bloody awkward. No one wants to sit and listen to someone else shagging.

RantyAnty · 23/10/2023 11:18

Your language about him is telling.

You're calling him a partner and boyfriend.

He thinks of you as a shag.

That you've posted back after this still calling him your boyfriend and not ditched him is telling.

Don't do this to yourself.

He's not a nice man and he doesn't see you the same way you see him.

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 11:26

Blanketpolicy · 23/10/2023 10:38

Not his "fault" ndn heard and sent texts.

I am trying to put the boot on the other foot. If when single a friend/ndn had texted something cheeky saying they had heard me having sex I would likely reply something cheeky back too.

It is a tough one and if there are no other red flags maybe not a deal breaker, but one to keep an eye on.

I agree with this.

If I was the friend or the one being heard having sex then I’d make it lighthearted and jokey too.

I think most people would.

TinChristmas · 23/10/2023 11:28

TomatoSandwiches · 23/10/2023 00:16

If you see the next door neighbour let him know you're sorry about the noise but it was your bfs first go at getting pegged.

Then leave the smirking bastard.

This! 👆🏼

BringMeTea · 23/10/2023 11:30

Yes that would be the last 'round' he ever had with me. You can definitely do better.

LemonLight · 23/10/2023 11:31

That's so gross! I'd get the major ick!

Jewelspun · 23/10/2023 11:36

I think you were set up and the pair of them get off with bringing women back to their homes and having some kind of competition as to whom can make a 'bird' make the most noise.

mn29 · 23/10/2023 11:36

Yanbu. That would be the last time I saw him.

Frasers · 23/10/2023 11:39

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 11:26

I agree with this.

If I was the friend or the one being heard having sex then I’d make it lighthearted and jokey too.

I think most people would.

Show quote history

Exactly, you’re letting it be known there is a problem but trying to make it light and jokey as it’s so awkward. I’d prob respond in kind too but be mortified. And I’d do what he did, let my partner see the text so he got the hint.

there is no reason anyone should hear you have sex unless they are in the same room. Man or woman,no one needs to moan so loudly the neighbours can hear and basically complain, because that’s what this was, a complaint dressed up to soften it.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/10/2023 11:47

Have to say, when I was very young living in a London bedsit in a row of terrace houses all converted to tiny bedsits with a long communal garden at the back, there was once a very noisy couple having fun on a hot late afternoon when many people were home and we all had our one window open. It was definitely performative sex, think the scene from When Harry met Sally but with both of them doing it. When they finally finished, there was a spontaneous round of applause and much cheerful laughter!

The couple owned it, didn't come to the window but called out 'thank you very much' which caused more applause.

When we all live so close together, we can hear arguments, sex, tv etc. Not saying next door wasn't wrong to message your boyfriend, or that your boyfriend's reaction was nice, but if you're embarrassed (I would be!) maybe try saying what @TomatoSandwiches said:

If you see the next door neighbour let him know you're sorry about the noise but it was your bfs first go at getting pegged.

Then leave the smirking bastard.

You'll feel better!