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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

330 replies

Calipso32 · 22/10/2023 20:08

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

  1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.
  1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.
  1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

OP posts:
Jacesmum1977 · 24/10/2023 12:44

PrtScn · 22/10/2023 22:44

Lock on your bedroom door and laxatives in a few tactically placed freezer meals should sort him out

lol this is what I was thinking.
Cook him dinner OP, I actually find that bit petty however I feel there’s more to the story that we don’t know but it’s the reason you’ve said you will not longer cook for him. At the end of the day, you can spit in it, lax it up, put hot sauce on it…. Trust me, it felt good when I’ve done one of these in the past.

I think he wouldn’t mind giving you money if you were still cooking for him/doing the washing.

The coming into your room and undressing is totally not acceptable though. Definitely get a lock

ScartlettSole · 24/10/2023 14:30

So theyre "his children" when it comes to childcare but "your children" for food and laundry 😂

Both of you need to grow up and realise theres more important things than one upping each other. Theres two kids in the middle of all this.

If you dont want to cook and do laundry fine, its also fine for him not to finance you any longer. You cant have it both ways 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dutch1e · 24/10/2023 18:52

J007 · 23/10/2023 22:25

I know OP said that her reasons for splitting are valid but, from his point of view he has been dumped(as good as divorced) faces having his children taken away from him, being forced to sell his home, told to move out of the main bedroom and, now not being part of meal times that includes their children. I can't imagine it's an easy ride for him right now. I know OP said that he threatened to split a couple of times and she finally called his bluff hence, the couple were/are going through a rough period. Most couples do go through a bad patch in their relationship especially when there is a new baby involved. I speak from experience but, coming out of the other side makes you so much stronger. In my scenario we were undergoing a complete renovation to our house and I was spending every second of the day either doing my stressful day-job, organising the builders or doing the work myself. My wife had to move out at one point because of the work(dust and lack of toilet facilities!)and, she was often saying to me that I'm not putting enough time into our newborn and that we should just sell/split - I always felt it was an empty threat but, I'm still not certain. At the time I was at breaking point because the house had to be finished, I had to work to bring the money in and, at the same time I was being told I am in the wrong. This was whilst she was living at her parents being waited on hand and foot. My wife at the time was the one that pushed to carry on with the renovation - that year I had to take almost all my leave to complete the house.. I remember an Easter break where she went away with her family and I was putting all the new flooring down from first light until dark and, had a series of angry messages about how I should be there etc I couldn't believe it, I was literally bleeding with the work I was putting in for our family - our future. I almost felt calling her bluff - I was thinking to myself do you really think I wouldn't rather be spending a lovely time in the lake District with our daughter rather than my hands bleeding, being stuck in doors with a mask and dust everywhere. When I finished each day and had the chance to see all the wonderful pictures of them all on social media whilst I had to think of grabbing something to eat - it most definitely was a low point. However, I kept telling myself that this short term pain will be worth the long term gain. We actually came out of the other side with help from her parents actually talking to her. She didn't realise that I was also angry with missing out on early year prescious time. But, I also know that it wasn't easy for her having to do the majority of childcare(I did still do the late night and early morning session before work).Obviously, that can't happen for all and the circumstances here may mean that it can't but, from what has been said and making assumptions they are both in a phase of taking swipes out of each other rather than focussing on the children which incidentally would result in the best outcome all around. The biggest mistake we made was communication.. I thought I was right focussing on the financials and completing the renovation however, I also lost track of not being as supportive as I should've been. I made the mistake of thinking it was easy for her because her parents were there so she could knap during the day etc. We now understand that it wasn't easy for either of us but, now feel we can face anything! When the second one came along a few years later it was and still is a breeze

Now the OPs ex might deserve this treatment but, about 18 months ago things must've been looking a lot better for the couple.

My earlier point still stands in that this situation needs an adult approach from both parties for the sake of their children both right now and in the future.

Jesus no-one is going to read all that waffle! Hit the edit button and make friends with the space bar (as well as cutting your bitch-session about your wife to 50 words or less).

Dutch1e · 24/10/2023 18:54

ScartlettSole · 24/10/2023 14:30

So theyre "his children" when it comes to childcare but "your children" for food and laundry 😂

Both of you need to grow up and realise theres more important things than one upping each other. Theres two kids in the middle of all this.

If you dont want to cook and do laundry fine, its also fine for him not to finance you any longer. You cant have it both ways 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dd you miss the part when he blocks all access to HER EQUITY? He's not financing her you pillock, he's withholding her money and refusing to take on 50% of the parenting as well.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/10/2023 19:17

Mrsttcno1 · 24/10/2023 10:52

Read the whole thread.

Nobody is saying that looking after their children (not HIS children, THEIR children), isn’t hard work.

But the fact is, OP is currently being financed by her ex. It doesn’t matter how you phrase it, yes she’s on maternity leave, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is being financed by him. His wage is paying all of the household bills and supporting the entire family- that means, he is financing the entire house, her included.

That’s how most people’s maternity leave works, you have an agreement with your partner that while they earn to support the household, you have that time off to recover, get used to being a mum, look after the baby etc. But lets be clear, that ONLY works if your partner also agrees and chooses to support you financially during this time. It’s not possible otherwise, yes absolutely it’s hard work, but because there is no pay for it you do need to be supported (financed) by somebody in order to do that.

As OP now wants to behave as if they are a separated couple, this means that her partner could also choose to act as if they are separated. This means that he could turn around tomorrow and refuse to give OP anything more than child maintenance- and that would be well within his legal rights.

I haven’t noticed any comments condemning OP for taking a maternity leave, what people are pointing out to the OP, rightly so, is that she must be careful driving the “separated” point, because if he decides to get on board with that before she starts earning again she will be left extremely vulnerable.

Show quote history

Oh I read the thread and posted way up there.

They had an agreement she is on mat leave caring for his children and for a short period he may have the only cash coming in- he wants to cancel that arrangement unilaterally and split up whilst also blocking her access to her equity in the shared property.

He can't have it both ways - either he pays her for childcare and she uses that to "pay her way" or he accepts that her providing childcare is in lieu of a cash income to the home.

In neither case is there any requirement for her to be his house slave.

If he doesn't like it then he needs to agree to sale of the property and start washing his own underpants and stop abusing her maternity leave to coerce the OP into ongoing cohabitation with benefits that she doesn't want.

ScartlettSole · 24/10/2023 19:18

I'm guessing it is their equity you pillock. Or if its her house she could put him out 🙄

C8H10N4O2 · 24/10/2023 19:20

ScartlettSole · 24/10/2023 19:18

I'm guessing it is their equity you pillock. Or if its her house she could put him out 🙄

Half of it is "her" equity you pillock. That is what is meant by joint equity. Half if hers, half is his. He is blocking her access to her half of the equity by refusing to move on and allow a sale.

Don't they teach fractions in infant school any more?

ScartlettSole · 24/10/2023 19:24

You clearly missed where i said they are both being immature. They need to both grow up and so do you by the sounds of it. Clearly dont teach manners where you are from 🙄

Mrsttcno1 · 24/10/2023 19:50

C8H10N4O2 · 24/10/2023 19:17

Oh I read the thread and posted way up there.

They had an agreement she is on mat leave caring for his children and for a short period he may have the only cash coming in- he wants to cancel that arrangement unilaterally and split up whilst also blocking her access to her equity in the shared property.

He can't have it both ways - either he pays her for childcare and she uses that to "pay her way" or he accepts that her providing childcare is in lieu of a cash income to the home.

In neither case is there any requirement for her to be his house slave.

If he doesn't like it then he needs to agree to sale of the property and start washing his own underpants and stop abusing her maternity leave to coerce the OP into ongoing cohabitation with benefits that she doesn't want.

Show quote history

I don’t disagree with the moral side of your arguments!! Of course he should stick to his word, morally, it would be the right thing to do. The only point that matters though is that they are unmarried, with children, and there’s absolutely NOTHING stopping him from deciding he wants to stop funding her mat leave now that they are “separated”. If she pushes the “separation” issue now before she is back at work, he could turn around tomorrow and decide that actually ALL he will pay her from now is the CMS amount due, probably a few hundred a month.

They made that agreement while a couple, she’s decided she no longer wants to be one (no doubt for very good reasons), he can just as easily decide to stop funding her mat leave- there’s nothing stopping him from doing that, he’s not legally obliged to, there’s no comeback she can go through to get that money. She is not legally entitled to it. THAT is the point you’re missing. Morally, yes he should pay, but in actual reality, OP hasn’t got a leg to stand on if he decides to only pay CMS from tomorrow.

You’re also wrong, he can have it both ways. He doesn’t have to pay her for childcare, and he doesn’t have to accept that her doing childcare is income! That’s the point I and other posters are making and that you seem to be missing- He CAN have it both ways. All he actually owes her as a separated parent is child maintenance amount. Is that morally right? No. But that’s the legal stance. Hence I said read up the that, because your advice on “he can’t have it both ways” is just totally incorrect, he can have it both ways. Our system allows that to be the case.

JCarl · 24/10/2023 23:40

Except if they went down the route of legal separation, she would be awarded maintenance because she has children and isn't working.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/10/2023 23:57

JCarl · 24/10/2023 23:40

Except if they went down the route of legal separation, she would be awarded maintenance because she has children and isn't working.

No legal separation or divorce needed she’s unmarried. She can claim maintenance for the children but it’s highly likely to be much less than he’s paying now.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 25/10/2023 07:36

JCarl · 24/10/2023 23:40

Except if they went down the route of legal separation, she would be awarded maintenance because she has children and isn't working.

Absolutely. Which is why it is strongly advised that a financially vulnerable woman marry before having children since that only applies to a married couple.

The OP isn’t married and in UK law, her ex partner owes her nothing but a (small) amount of child support.

While she hasn’t said how much her ex earns, unless he’s a very high earner, she’s looking at £300 to £400 a month total to cover all expenses for both children. Bearing in mind full time nursery for one child can be over £1,000, you can see why taking a ‘strict letter of the law’ approach with her ex might be a problem

She is entitled to half of joint assets (so the house) but it can take months to sell and if she has to force a sale, that is also going to be expensive.

Original poster
Calipso32 · 25/10/2023 08:56

I am working and we aren't married so I'm not entitled to maintenance.

OP posts:
Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 08:59

Calipso32 · 25/10/2023 08:56

I am working and we aren't married so I'm not entitled to maintenance.

If you split with the father of your child, surely he has to pay maintenance?

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 09:01

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 08:59

If you split with the father of your child, surely he has to pay maintenance?

Show quote history

I'm not sure he does if they are still living together.

Which brings us to the big question: who pays for nursery?

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 25/10/2023 09:08

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 08:59

If you split with the father of your child, surely he has to pay maintenance?

Show quote history

Yes, as has now been said multiple times, £300 to £400 a month for the children as assessed by the CMS calculator.

As has also been said multiple times, for the OP, not a penny. She gets her share of joint assets and if the asset is a house, may have to go to court to force a sale since it can’t be sold without either the consent of both owners or a court order.

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 09:11

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 25/10/2023 09:08

Yes, as has now been said multiple times, £300 to £400 a month for the children as assessed by the CMS calculator.

As has also been said multiple times, for the OP, not a penny. She gets her share of joint assets and if the asset is a house, may have to go to court to force a sale since it can’t be sold without either the consent of both owners or a court order.

Show quote history

Ah right. And you had to say this with bold letters because????
Im not sorry for not reading through pages of comments so take your bold letters and park them in no need for that Avenue

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 09:13

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 09:01

I'm not sure he does if they are still living together.

Which brings us to the big question: who pays for nursery?

Show quote history

Mmmm tough situation.
Surely both of them? It’s both their child??? Government help (for what it’s worth)?

Original poster
Calipso32 · 25/10/2023 09:24

For information.. He's a 6 figure earner. Even so, with the custody arrangement I'm looking for, the CMS amount doesn't even cover one child's nursery fees (very almost) let alone anything else. That's the country we live in I guess.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 09:26

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 09:13

Mmmm tough situation.
Surely both of them? It’s both their child??? Government help (for what it’s worth)?

Show quote history

Morally the answer is both of them should contribute.

Legally the answer is he gets off scot free, and if the OP can't afford to pay nursery fees and her own living costs out of her own salary and her ex refuses to contribute, she is up shit creek.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/10/2023 09:28

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 08:59

If you split with the father of your child, surely he has to pay maintenance?

Show quote history

I think Op means spousal maintenance.
If you are married there’s a possibility to claim spousal maintenance in a divorce but it’s not common these days unless he’s a high earner or only for a short period while wife retrains/children very small.
It isn’t something to explore for Op as she’s not married.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 25/10/2023 09:43

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 09:11

Ah right. And you had to say this with bold letters because????
Im not sorry for not reading through pages of comments so take your bold letters and park them in no need for that Avenue

Show quote history

Sorry, it never occurred to me that anyone would be stupid enough to wade into a multi page thread with completely incorrect advice without actually reading the thread first.

I guess I need to stop overestimating the intelligence of some Mumsnet posters.

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 10:23

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 25/10/2023 09:43

Sorry, it never occurred to me that anyone would be stupid enough to wade into a multi page thread with completely incorrect advice without actually reading the thread first.

I guess I need to stop overestimating the intelligence of some Mumsnet posters.

Show quote history

Lol I love this forum for exactly this.
Have a word with yourself.
Another commenter answered me without using bold letters. Says more about you than me. No need for you to do that and no need to knock my intelligence. It’s just rude and as I said, shows more about you than me.
If it’s annoyed you that someone didn’t read all the comments then you must be commenting on lots of people’s comments

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 25/10/2023 10:25

Calipso32 · 25/10/2023 09:24

For information.. He's a 6 figure earner. Even so, with the custody arrangement I'm looking for, the CMS amount doesn't even cover one child's nursery fees (very almost) let alone anything else. That's the country we live in I guess.

So roughly £1000 a month child support? Hopefully your house has a decent amount of equity.

Do you get half or have you signed an agreement on percentages?

Is he likely to not care about the money lost so long as he screws you over or is pointing out the amount lost to solicitor fees likely to get him to cooperate with a sale (or buying you out)?

I totally agree with the PPs who have suggested a lock for your bedroom door (or at least one of the temporary door jammers sold for hotel room stays) but it may be worth cooking for him to keep him onside at least for the next couple of months until you get your first month’s salary. You shouldn’t have to but the law in this country isn’t fair to unmarried mothers (or married ones but less so) on a split either and you will need to do what you have to to get by.

Jacesmum1977 · 25/10/2023 10:25

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 09:26

Morally the answer is both of them should contribute.

Legally the answer is he gets off scot free, and if the OP can't afford to pay nursery fees and her own living costs out of her own salary and her ex refuses to contribute, she is up shit creek.

Show quote history

Well that’s just shit isn’t it.
He contributed to making the child, he should be made to pay his share. Not get off scot free