AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

This. I was totally with you until you dropped this at the end.

If he's financing you I think it's unreasonable not to continue to cooking for him until you move out- turning it on its head, it doesn't really sound fair for him to be funding the food but being left out of eating it.

However, he shouldn't be I'm your room without permission, he should absolutely be doing his own washing and you could even consider an arrangement where you don't all eat together if logistics allow- can you take it in turns to eat with the kids while the other adult gets some peace and eats elsewhere?

He is already paying for the children so why would he pay child support?.

You can put a ladder under the door handle to stop him coming into your room.

He is denying the op access to her equity in the house. He expects a live in maid and nanny in the form of the op. Their situation already dictates she is losing earnings even when at work as she cannot work full time like he does as she needs to take care of the children they share. So yes, going forward he needs to recognise he will be paying the op to make up for the huge financial and career disadvantage he has put her at. Considering the above he shouldn’t even be moaning about paying all the bills now, it doesn’t read like he contributes anything else of worth to family life. He can’t even cook himself a reasonable dinner.

She's not going to get very far saying all this. He doesn't have to compensate her. They are not married. She will eventually get her Money out of the house. I think he should continue to pay for everything as he has been doing but the least she can do is make him dinner. She said he takes care if the kids as well.

Except if he makes enquiries he will find that as an unmarried partner he won’t be paying the OP more than a pathetic few hundred pounds in child support that won’t even come close to covering childcare let alone anything else.

Her financial / career disadvantage would only be relevant if they were married which they aren’t. In law she has no way of getting financial compensation for that and he doesn’t sound like the type to give her money out of the kindness of his heart.

She is entitled to her share of the equity and should contact a solicitor to discuss how to get it but that’s it.

You're on maternity leave, so there's only his salary coming in to cover everything?

It's a toughie, but I think your personal space boundaries are spot on. Def as others have said get a lock on your bedroom door.

Him not eating food you've prepared is taking it a but far though, imo because he is financing your life. I'd def implement this when you're back at work, but not right now.

He def needs to do 50:50 in the house and husband own washing.

He's an AH to think you can fund yourself - not the DCs before you go back to work. You have no income at the mo if I understand how it all works, so what's he expecting you to do? But this is where cooking for hom may work. Say you'll do that until you go back to work to cover your personal costs.

You will be well rid of him, OP, but I'm sorry things didn't work out for you all.

Doing all the childcare is cutting both ways, but she's also buying him his food, and doing the house work for her plus 2 children is being offered.
So that the same as 3 parts to 1 part of house work.
Except he's also steal his children's and ex's food so he's not even doing his 'part'

He's acting like a cocklodger who owns a stake in the house.

OP you need to switch rooms, don't offer to buy xp food, if he has any allergy say the food has that in it. Good luck and get your self a good solicitor

but she's also buying him his food

Well, as it's his money (she has no income at all), yes she's arranging the purchase, but it's his money that's actually buying.

There was a previous arrangement, leaving him paying for everything (when paid maternity leave ran out) and during that time she did certain chores. He continues to pay for everything, and will do so for another 4 weeks. That is the point, when OP can start paying her own way, that the arrangement of chores needs to be revisited.

I know OP said that her reasons for splitting are valid but, from his point of view he has been dumped(as good as divorced) faces having his children taken away from him, being forced to sell his home, told to move out of the main bedroom and, now not being part of meal times that includes their children. I can't imagine it's an easy ride for him right now. I know OP said that he threatened to split a couple of times and she finally called his bluff hence, the couple were/are going through a rough period. Most couples do go through a bad patch in their relationship especially when there is a new baby involved. I speak from experience but, coming out of the other side makes you so much stronger. In my scenario we were undergoing a complete renovation to our house and I was spending every second of the day either doing my stressful day-job, organising the builders or doing the work myself. My wife had to move out at one point because of the work(dust and lack of toilet facilities!)and, she was often saying to me that I'm not putting enough time into our newborn and that we should just sell/split - I always felt it was an empty threat but, I'm still not certain. At the time I was at breaking point because the house had to be finished, I had to work to bring the money in and, at the same time I was being told I am in the wrong. This was whilst she was living at her parents being waited on hand and foot. My wife at the time was the one that pushed to carry on with the renovation - that year I had to take almost all my leave to complete the house.. I remember an Easter break where she went away with her family and I was putting all the new flooring down from first light until dark and, had a series of angry messages about how I should be there etc I couldn't believe it, I was literally bleeding with the work I was putting in for our family - our future. I almost felt calling her bluff - I was thinking to myself do you really think I wouldn't rather be spending a lovely time in the lake District with our daughter rather than my hands bleeding, being stuck in doors with a mask and dust everywhere. When I finished each day and had the chance to see all the wonderful pictures of them all on social media whilst I had to think of grabbing something to eat - it most definitely was a low point. However, I kept telling myself that this short term pain will be worth the long term gain. We actually came out of the other side with help from her parents actually talking to her. She didn't realise that I was also angry with missing out on early year prescious time. But, I also know that it wasn't easy for her having to do the majority of childcare(I did still do the late night and early morning session before work).Obviously, that can't happen for all and the circumstances here may mean that it can't but, from what has been said and making assumptions they are both in a phase of taking swipes out of each other rather than focussing on the children which incidentally would result in the best outcome all around. The biggest mistake we made was communication.. I thought I was right focussing on the financials and completing the renovation however, I also lost track of not being as supportive as I should've been. I made the mistake of thinking it was easy for her because her parents were there so she could knap during the day etc. We now understand that it wasn't easy for either of us but, now feel we can face anything! When the second one came along a few years later it was and still is a breeze

Now the OPs ex might deserve this treatment but, about 18 months ago things must've been looking a lot better for the couple.

My earlier point still stands in that this situation needs an adult approach from both parties for the sake of their children both right now and in the future.

VikingVolva she is on maternity leave. Awful thing to say. Shame on you

The OP isn’t on maternity leave because she’s on a jolly. Presumably they decided together that she’d take time off work to look after the baby. He still needs to fund that until she’s back at work. Her mat leave wasn’t to look after him.

If so then he should start paying her child support now or take unpaid time off work himself to provide childcare - can't imagine he'll be willing to do that

Op well done!! You are LTB and he deserves it. I don't have much advice just that when you set boundaries you can't force the others to like or respect them - so he can moan if he wants but you can choose not to listen to or care about him moans too and not to change the thing he's moaning about

I agree with @TomatoSandwiches get a lock on the door

Yes I know she's in the last (unpaid) weeks of maternity leave - it's been mentioned many times on the thread.

Same for the arrangements on who did what during maternity leave.

OP now wants to reduce her input. But is offering nothing back, yet expects to continue with the same level of financial support. That sort of unilateral action isn't fair.

In only 4 weeks, she will be earning again, and I think that is the time to completely re-set all issues relating to household expenses and household chores, in ways that support the separation.

Doing it now is both poor tactics and poor strategy.

@Conkersinautumn did DH terminate? It read to me as though op has left him
And he's sticking his heels in

I do see @J007 's point about being left out of mealtimes with his kids it is a bit humiliating while he is actually there. Perhaps this is you rushing to make him feel awkward and more willing to sell. Op maybe you could offer to cook a 'whole family' meal a couple of nights a week for all of you on the condition that he does the same (even if it's just him heating up rice and curry etc that you've ordered with the online shop) - he might not take you up on it but at least the offer will be there and if he does, you'll get a couple of nights being cooked for

This is interesting why did the father have trouble at the border? Does dc have your surname? It's often mothers that seem to have the problem if they have different surname to the dc

YABU for this comment. She's on unpaid mat leave due to having HIS child. How do you expect her to "pay her way" if she's not getting paid?

As they are separated he should also pay his way as he would have to if they lived separately!

So nice to see women supporting women 🙄

💯💯💯👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿Well said. I think on here the advice is always the nuclear option. The most destructive scorched earth treatment. This is a place for compromise and wisdom. Here is a man that is still paying for everything and he didn't immediately cut off access to income. I know that's what my ex husband would have IMMEDIATELY done!.

What's so hard in letting him eat your cooking until everything is sorted. This man is your father's children and you can't get rid of him from your life?. Why make things even worse. Let go of pride.

Maybe he will get himself some boundaries too and stop paying for everything and pay her maintenance like other single mothers get?.

She can claim uc as single but not while he is financially supporting her

Can you not see the difference in someone complaining that they are paying for everything for another adult, who they are now separated from, and paying nothing other than (a probably tiny) amount towards your children?

Of course he's complaining about the former.

He's not going to have a problem with the latter because overall he's going to be hundreds better off per month.

Another potentially harmful comment if the OP chose to take this advice to him.

She’s on maternity leave due to having THEIR child, not HIS child, first of all.

“As they are separated he should also pay his way as he would have to if they lived separately”- you do realise that actually means he would only have to pay the CMS amount? Probably a few hundred a month MAX. Do you really think that would be helpful for OP right now? Currently he’s paying the entire mortgage, all of the household bills, all of the shopping, funding hers and the kids lives ENTIRELY. If you push this narrative of “you should pay what you have to as if we were separated” he will be absolutely overjoyed, because suddenly then he goes “okay, great, according to the CMS calculator I only owe you £300 a month so there you go”.

It’s not about “women not supporting women”, it’s all well and good commenting saying he should be paying her a full time nanny rate, a cleaners rate, a chefs rate. Morally? Maybe all of those comments have a point. Legally and in reality though- THEY DON’T. ALL he is actually obligated to pay if separated is CMS. That is going to be a fraction of what he is currently paying to fund the entire family.

It sounds like an awful situation and he us being childish. However if it was me, I think I'd still cook. However much I resented it. I feel so so sorry for your DC, seeing this happening in their home and sensing a toxic atmosphere (which you're both responsible for). Can you not grit your teeth and cook for him on the understanding he does a big load of washing up in the evening?