AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

My comments were written taking account of the fact that OP is unmarried. But just because she's not entitled, legally, to something, doesn't mean she can't attempt to negotiate for it.

As an example, the threat of the CSA was enough to make my (unmarried) ex start to play ball on maintenance and nursery fees and he then did so, every month without fail, for the next 16 years, even when he had more children. This won't work with everyone but will with some, especially if they end up with friends, colleagues or family members who they gripe to saying "well she sounds very reasonable actually, mate". This is why OP needs to get benefits and legal help and work out her sums ASAP, so she can negotiate from a position of strength and also make sure he can't shaft her even more than the minimum level of shafting he's legally entitled to do.

And, if he really is a massive twerp, doesn't pay ball, does fund his children reasonably and treat their mother (the OP) reasonably, well, the kids will work out eventually what he's like. It will be a long game for them to get to that point but be reassured OP, they almost certainly will. Tip for the OP, it's often better to let the kids observe and give them that information subtly over a long time period than to outright criticise their Dad. Anyone who tries to financially screw over a mother on maternity leave, and a mother and small children, whatever has gone on, on deserves all the disdain they get.

That's strange because CSA would have been less than paying all that. Why was he scared of CSA?

From all Op’s updates it doesn’t sound like he will go beyond what is legally required. She’s said he didn’t want to marry to stop her getting her hands on his money.
He sounds like the sort who will begrudge paying maintenance and she’ll need to claim via cms.

Yes, and he will most likely be a complete arsehole regardless of whether or not she decides to placate him for the next month.

No problem. A full-time, 24/7 nanny for 2 small children should earn about 5K/month (or more). He can pay half of that, and she can use that money to pay her own way. If she cooks for him, add in 1/2 the salary of a chief cook for 2 hours/day to the mix. Grocery shopping is a personal assistant and worth 1/2 of 3 hours a week salary.

It doesn't really matter if he can afford it. He won't move out, so she can't claim any benefits. If she has to pay her own way, then he can pay 1/2 of the going rate for a 24/7, live-in nanny for 2 small children. Plus 1/2 of a salary for a chief cook for 2 hours a day and 1/2 of the salary for a personal assistant that does grocery shopping for 3 hours/week.

After he pays her what she is owed, then she can pay her own way.

All of the ‘he can pay her as a nanny’ posters may well be morally right but that’s not how the law sees it.

He can cut her off without a penny and all she can do is file a CMS claim which won’t cover much.

Also, she can claim benefits as separated under the same roof but I think she mentioned having too much in savings for that.

He’s clearly not going to pay her for minding the children. She can’t force him to pay for childcare. It’s a shit situation for Op.
Positives are she jointly owns the house - if it was in his sole name he could have thrown her out and she’s got savings so can buy herself food, pay for legal advice etc.

It absolutely does matter if he can afford it, and more importantly it depends on him WANTING to pay even a fraction of that.

The reality is that if they are indeed behaving as separated people, then all he actually owes her is CMS. Probably a few hundred a month max, altogether. That is literally ALL he is obligated to do. These posts of “pay as a nanny and chef” are totally pointless because it’s just a request that clearly he will deny.

If OP keeps pushing the “we’re separated so not sharing meals or buying food or doing washing etc” then he can just as easily turn around and say- okay brilliant, I’ve been on CMS calculator and I owe you £x a month based on that, that’s what you’ll get and not a penny more. This would leave OP very vulnerable currently while receiving no income. Hence the best advice at the moment being to bide your time and spend your energy forcing the house sale legally.

Six years post divorce and my ex still tries to get me to do his admin - “I will need a letter that explains you are her mother and agree to this trip etc” so I don’t have trouble at the border like last time. Fine - write that letter and I will sign it. It’s extraordinary that they think they can still tell us what to do.

I find these posts a bit sanctimonious and a bit ridiculous to be frank because it negates the fact that OP and both DC are already 100% funded by DP.

OP can't afford a £5k a month nanny, so why is she entitled to be paid this because she's looking after her own children (and his, but it seems to be forgotten that they are equally hers too) while he covers all her and DC living costs? He could put them in nursery for half that, and then OP would need to fund half of that as well. Should I be invoicing my DH for my cooking of the evening meal and a Sainsbury's shop then? It's just ridiculous, and not how the real world works.

Don't get me wrong, her DP sounds like an arse, but it's also quite entitled to allow someone to buy all of your food, make and eat that food for yourself, but decide they shouldn't have some prepared. Yes she's looking after her joint children. He's at work the whole time covering all her living costs. They are, still living as a couple in the simple logistical sense. For the next four weeks anyway. After that, she will be at work and can operate more independently. Like it or not, she's totally living off him right now, and the financial value of that will surpass any nursery cost that she's minimising.

You’re right, to a point. Nursery and nannies do cost money and usually both parents as a
couple have to figure out the finances in that regard. However since the op and her husband are not together (despite living together), since he has decided that the op should ‘pay her way’ as she will have to living separately from him, he should also prepare himself for the future in the same manner. So, he should start paying child maintenance now from whatever the calculation says she will be due. The op should also be applying for Child Benefits in her name if she’s not already and calculating if she can claim UC (which doesn’t take living with an ex into account). With those payments I’m sure the op can pay towards the household bills and buy her and the children food without being guilt tripped by her ex about eating what he has bought 🤷‍♀️.

Oh god, mine was like this

I told him my secretary services start at £50 an hour and to let me know if he'd like to hire me.

If you want to live separate lives then you need separate finances. I agree you need privacy and a £1.99 bolt from a hardware store will sort that, BUT.... If you want to stop cooking for him / washing (providing physical support) for him then you cant expect him to keep paying (providing financial support) for you. I'd say to him you will continue to cook, wash for him for 8 weeks (4wks mat leave plus 4 weeks till pay day) if he continues to finance you. After this time the cooking, washing stops but so does his money.

But again, as separated people where the op is evidently the main caregiver, he still has at least a financial duty of care towards his children. So either he can provide the food and learn to cook his own, or he can start paying CM now. Either way, he’s going to end up having to give the OP money to provide for their children and he is going to have to learn some cooking skills for when he has them in his care. It’s not just the OP that has to face the reality of the situation here. As for his washing, I don’t see why that should be the OPs duty at all. She’s not a maid nor mother whether with him or not.

Again, to reiterate, this is the LAST thing OP should want right now. Because if he decides tomorrow to say okay yes absolutely right, we’re separated, this is the CMS amount I have to pay so there you go, that’s what your entitled to, then OP is really stuck. You’re right in that he has to provide financially for his kids the CMS amount, but believe me, the CMS amount will not cover the kids PLUS for the next 2 months OP’s bills and living. He’s currently funding the entire house, any prompt that he could just pay the CMS at the moment since they are “separated” would be very bad for OP.

Please be careful with UC and savings. You state you will use your savings for a deposit. But bare in mind UC will assess what savings you had for up to a year previous. If you've spent it even on a house deposit rather than renting it's likely you will be refused UC for a year after. As you are.considered to have had that money and splurged it. A friend did the same thing. Put £10,000 her life savings down as a deposit for a new home when she split from partner. She got the mortgage and moved in, the. Applied for UC, they found out she'd had that £10,000 and was therefore over the savings threshold for a single claimant and told her to reapply in a years time if her situation was the same. They advised that she could have rented a suitable accomodation for a deposit of £500-£1000 in our area and therefore had unnecessarily spent £10,000 and was therefore not entitled to anything. So I'd check your benefit.entitlment before you rely on it happening.

Yes, once she goes back to work, can claim CMS, child benefit, and universal credit, she can buy her own food and eat that. I'm not sure of how the CMS would work as the DC spend 100% of nights in the same house as both parents though.

Depending on his wage, she would probably be better off financially moving out.

For the next four weeks though they just need to carry as a defacto "couple" because at the moment, he's being an arse, so she's being petty, so he's more of an arse, so she's more petty...

Who cooks, cleans, repairs, does all childcare and does life admin for their partner 24/7? It's absolutely ridiculous!

The op doesn’t need to be back at work to claim child benefits nor UC. A calculator such as Turn2Us would show what she’s entitled to, obviously being honest about any savings and such. When I separated but still lived with my ex I was allowed a single claim, they didn’t take through my bank accounts to see where I have savings the year before. They did recently ask a friend of mine for the bank statements for the past 3 months so it not like they don’t check at all so certainly best to be fully honest about current financial situation.

Id still not do his washing. I’m on the fence about making his dinners, he’s a grown man and should be able to cook for himself/the family when needs be.

No, she doesn't. Well, if she's going to act like a defacto couple she actually won't because it's shared cooking/laundry/costs etc. If they properly split whilst under the same roof, yes she can claim. But it's not a mountain of money!

@Mrsttcno1 has is spot on. The last thing she should be hurrying for is CMS. It's going to be a fraction of the financial benefit she receives now from him.

I wish people would understand the system better. Yes she'll get UC. Yes she'll get CB. Yes she'll get (maybe? Both parents can claim they live with their DC full time so...?) CMS.

This is far worse off than all her rent, bills, food, everything being paid for her and her DC right now.

She's going to be far worse off. He will be loads better off, she's now covering half his monthly outgoings, and all he has to give her is CMS, if they'll even grant it here.

I didn’t say the op should go through the official CM channels, I said her ex has to acknowledge that when she moves out that he will have to start paying x amount for the care of his children. So he should be taking that into consideration now before having a go at the op for paying for everything. He will be paying towards his children’s care whether they live there or not.

You should get some legal advice but you might be advised to start living as though you are already separated which does mean buying and cooking your own meals. Put a lock on your bedroom door.

She doesn't have to do anything lol

You are on maternity leave looking after his child. You are both living in the same house of course he should pay for things until you go back to work in 1 month. Anyone that’s says otherwise is ridiculous.
you need to get out of this situation though, I don’t think 3-6 months is feasible. As you do all the caring for the kids I would be doing my best to get him to move out at least until you’ve sold the property. Good luck, stay strong