AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

Where in my comment did I say he shpuld be paying à nanny/cleaner/chef rate? Nowhere.

Feel free to comment on what I actually said- not your own comments you have added.

I note you only choose to comment on certain points. The main point surely which you convenirntly ignored- if she is on unpaid mat leave how is she supposed to "pay her way" as suggested by the person I replied to?

It wasn’t just aimed at your comment, it was also at the others who have said that. But your comment was about him having to “pay his way as he would if they were separated”, if you didn’t mean that he should be paying her for looking after children etc then I really don’t know what on earth you meant by that, because all he would have to pay if separated is a few hundred £ CMS probably max. Surely your argument wasn’t that he should only have to pay CMS, as that wouldn’t help OP whatsoever, so you must have been intending that he owed her for something she is doing?

Your comment about being on unpaid mat leave and paying her way, unfortunately, while unmarried with kids, is that it’s not his problem to deal with! If they were truly a separated couple, as she wants to act as though they are for potential CMS/UC claims, then it’s not his legal responsibility to support her. A single mother does not have her maternity leave funded by her ex, all her ex is obligated to give her whatever amount CMS calculate. So in this situation, the only person he has any legal obligations to is his children. If this were to go all the way to court, ALL he will be asked to do is pay the child maintenance amount. So “how can she pay her way while on unpaid mat leave”, his response would be “that’s not his problem”, and the court would support that. He’s not obliged to pay her way!

I’m not saying that is morally right, but that is the legal stance, and it’s really important that OP realises that before pushing on because the worst case scenario here is that her ex realises that living as separated means only the requirement to CMS, at which point OP really would be stuck. It’s all well and good for people to say he should continue paying, morally of course he should, it would be the right thing to do for the family unit, but the LAW is not on the side of that. And that’s what matters.

If you read the comment I was replying to it's pretty obvious what I meant. The lerson I replied to patronisingly stated that the OP should "pay her way" and I stated the husband should also, as he would have to if they were living separately. Not sure whats so hard to understand there frankly. I didnt mention CMS so maybe send your lengthy replies on that and your other points not relevant to my comment to soneone who actually mentioned it

So please tell me then, what do you mean mean by him having to pay his way as if they lived separately?

Because what I am telling you is, if you want the husband to have to pay his way as he would if separated, that literally just means he would have to pay the CMS amount. Nothing more. Do you really think that would be helpful to the OP right now?

Why are so many saying that he is paying her, so she should cook. She is off work now on the unpaid part of maternity leave, meaning he is saving on his share of childcare. Why do so many women seem to take it upon them as the childcare payers/ones that lose out. She’s losing out on her pension contributions whilst being unpaid. Once she returns to work, he’ll have to continue paying his share of childcare costs. So many new mums drop a day or two of work, yet split the childcare…why should they lose out on take home pay and long term benefits? My husband took the extra financial hit when I was on ML, just never get why it’s expected for the woman to?
WRT the situation, it’s understandable you want to separate! If he’s going to be evil about ‘supporting’ you, then maybe make an extra bit of food so he can’t whinge that he’s paid for it, but everything else, treat him as a housemate and don’t let him intimidate you.

As multiple people have said and many many unmarried women have found out the hard way, he won’t have to ‘pay his share of childcare’. He will have to pay at most a few hundred pounds CMS that is expected to cover everything for the children - accommodation, food, childcare, clothes etc.

Nobody is saying this is morally right, we are saying this is the law and that the OP needs to be careful with the whole ‘completely separated’ argument that her ex doesn’t decide that applies to him as well.

Exactly

When she is earning again it all changes

But right now, she's unmarried, no income, no way to afford to cover her share of mortgage or other bills.

And she has agreed (rightly or wrongly, actively or by usage) to which household chores fall to her during this period. As others have pointed out, it doesn't have to be this way, but for OP it is.

So she's taking back some of her input. So her STBX would be acting fairly if he reduced his input by a similar amount.

I am left wondering what the longer-term plan is here

Sounds like this could turn into a long, unpleasant bumpy ride for you all (children included) unless you both reach an amicable arrangement regarding boundaries & individual financial contributions to household/childcare costs. You might want to ease up on the cooking arrangement (keep him sweet & amenable to changes ahead), playing ‘tic for tac’ is only going to make situation worse, but definitely get a bolt lock on your bedroom after removing all his clothes from the room & put them in spare room - your privacy is essential for your emotional wellbeing. Then, most importantly, find the funds to secure a good divorce lawyer to make this split go as smoothly as possible. I know a friend who had to share family home with her (now) ex-husband with their 2 young sons for well over a year, as he refused to move out, and had to wait for sale of house before getting her share to move on. That was a very tense & unpleasant situation for her & her kids, so the quicker you can go your separate ways (if you are both 💯 this is what you want?) the better. I wish you well.

Laxatives in the leftovers…. Not a long term solution but might make you feel better in the meantime. Make sure you’ve not supplied loo roll too

That would be a crime. The OP shouldn't follow this silly advice.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/24470267/shocking-moment-man-puts-laxatives-sisters-milk/ - with no health issues resulting.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/mar/07/man-jailed-for-42-months-after-secretly-poisoning-his-wife-with-laxatives - where injury resulted.

The OP is about to be financially much worse off, I really don’t think she needs a criminal record as well.

I can’t believe how many people are saying he shouldn’t support you financially, just because you don’t want him to enter your bedroom! You doing the childcare is absolutely you paying your way! You cooking his dinner and doing his laundry is a favour, which you no longer need to do if you don’t want to. They’re his kids too and he’d have to pay half of any nursery fees if you weren’t at home with them.

I would do everything you can to get out of this situation as soon as possible though. The longer it goes on, the more volatile it will get and this guy is the father of your children. You will need him in the future, and he’ll need you too. Get out while it’s still semi-civil!

Unfortunately he won't be on the hook for half the nursery fees and I doubt he will agree to pay them voluntarily.

Please fully read the comments above about this, I don’t think anybody is saying that morally he shouldn’t have to pay, but everybody is pointing out that if they are truly “separated” then legally actually he doesn’t have to, and he could well decide not to and only give OP the CMS amount each month if he gets on board and decides to agree to behave as separated.

It’s also incorrect that he would have to pay half of nursery fees if separated, again, all she would get is CMS amount to cover everything.

@Starfish11674 , please read the full thread. Multiple people have explained that LEGALLY (not morally) he does not have to pay half the nursery fees and does not have to financially support her because she is caring for the children.

That may be completely morally wrong but that’s not much consolation when he stops paying!

All your demands are reasonable however you can't expecting him to keep financing you that is completely unreasonable so you need to sort that out ASAP if you can't then you are going to need to compromise and cook his meals until you go back to work you can't have it all your way if he moved out tomorrow what would you do then ?

The OP is not being "financed" by her ex. She is on maternity leave providing full time care for his children and most of the housekeeping.

I can't believe this thread is still going and still perpetuating the trope that "wife work" and childcare of their joint children are not real jobs because they don't get a salary.

Its no wonder women end up run ragged and lose self belief when other women are so quick to condemn an OP for having the temerity to take maternity leave to recover from birth and care for their joint children.

Its maternity leave not house slave leave.

Lots of posters are pointing out legally he doesn’t have to support her financially - legally he has no obligations to her. Never has. He has never entered into a legal contract with her (marriage)
It also doesn’t sound like he’s a man who could be persuaded to do the right thing morally.
It is supporting Op and women to make this clear. So many women are unclear as to their legal status.
At the minute it sounds like he’s paying mortgage, bills, food, stuff for children like nappies and perhaps her car and insurance etc.
She has zero income except child benefit presumably. That is such a vulnerable position to be in.
If he gets some advice he’ll be told you just need to pay cms for the children. No idea of his income or if self employed but realistically only going to be a few hundred pounds a month.
If he says ok Op we are separated here’s £200 as per cms calculator how is Op paying her mortgage, bills, buying food etc for next few months.
I really do think it’s a case of playing a long game for the sake of a few months - keeping things ticking over is in her best interests.
Op needs legal advice re forcing sale of joint property. Will be expensive and take time if it needs to go to court plus time to sell house - some are taking months to sell around here.

To be honest I'd be doing whatever I could to reasonably keep the peace and be as amicable as possible for the DC's sake. It is petty not to cook another portion when you're cooking anyway, however much he deserves it.

@Phoenixfire1988 , of course they are real jobs and of course the OP should be compensated appropriately.

I just don’t see how it would help to lie to the OP and tell her that in the UK legal system they are for an unmarried woman.

She is in a very vulnerable position and is currently making it so her ex has every incentive to exploit that vulnerability.

Advising her to ‘play nice’ for a few months in order to feed herself and the kids and keep a roof over their heads isn’t ‘condemning the OP for taking maternity leave’, it’s advising her how to deal with the consequences of doing as an unmarried woman whose partner doesn’t need to give her more than a few hundred pounds CMS a month.

Read the whole thread.

Nobody is saying that looking after their children (not HIS children, THEIR children), isn’t hard work.

But the fact is, OP is currently being financed by her ex. It doesn’t matter how you phrase it, yes she’s on maternity leave, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is being financed by him. His wage is paying all of the household bills and supporting the entire family- that means, he is financing the entire house, her included.

That’s how most people’s maternity leave works, you have an agreement with your partner that while they earn to support the household, you have that time off to recover, get used to being a mum, look after the baby etc. But lets be clear, that ONLY works if your partner also agrees and chooses to support you financially during this time. It’s not possible otherwise, yes absolutely it’s hard work, but because there is no pay for it you do need to be supported (financed) by somebody in order to do that.

As OP now wants to behave as if they are a separated couple, this means that her partner could also choose to act as if they are separated. This means that he could turn around tomorrow and refuse to give OP anything more than child maintenance- and that would be well within his legal rights.

I haven’t noticed any comments condemning OP for taking a maternity leave, what people are pointing out to the OP, rightly so, is that she must be careful driving the “separated” point, because if he decides to get on board with that before she starts earning again she will be left extremely vulnerable.

She is being financed by him.
He has no LEGAL obligation to fund another adult.
She presumably had an arrangement that ex boyfriend would pay her way while she was off work but it’s not legally enforceable in any way.
The situation has changed. If she’s in unpaid part of leave baby is older. Lots of women go back to work when paid leave ends as they can’t manage financially without pay.
To have a full Maternity leave most women need to be funded by husband or have savings or income eg from second job or rental property.
At the minute it sounds like ex boyfriend is doing the right thing morally and still supporting her financially but he doesn’t have to and can change his mind today.

Bag his things up; put them in his room. Get a lock for your bedroom door.

Get a locking box for your freezer and put your meals in it that you're saving for you and your DCs.

Keep your laundry detergents, etc in your room; they're expensive.

Get legal advice re the house and how to get him out or start the process of selling it so you can get your equity/share of the house.

Yes, lots of women go back to work earlier than they would like. But that still requires making childcare arrangements that OP presumably doesn't have at the moment. This is a recent split and these things take time.

OP should be filing for child support, etc if they are split up. And looking for legal advice to force a way for them to not be living together anymore if he's till thinking he can walk in on her changing etc and expects her to be his maid/chef/shopper/etc.

If he’s paid for the food and laundry detergent it’s his.
While I can fully understand the desire to do as you have suggested what if he says if you want to be like that i’m not paying another penny for you only the kids so Op suddenly had no phone, car, car insurance, food for herself and needs to pay £350 for her share of mortgage on 31st etc.